Nickelodeon, the "first network for kids," is more than four decades old.
And Nickelodeon truly changed the game in televised children's entertainment, opening
up territory never dreamed about for kids.
However, in Nickelodeon's quest to be edgy, they sometimes went into really, really dark
places.
One of Nickelodeon's first original cartoons upon its 1991 debut, Rugrats was truly original
and could only have worked as a cartoon.
It depicted life from the point of view of babies and toddlers - surreal, brightly colored,
full of wonder, and a little difficult to understand.
A lot of the show's humor derived from Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, and the rest confidently
mispronouncing words and getting the basic concept of everyday life activities completely
wrong.
But come on, they're babies - they don't know anything about anything.
Rugrats was almost always a gentle and comforting show, except for the Season 1 episode "Ruthless
Tommy."
Grandpa Lou is supposed to be watching Tommy, but falls asleep, leaving a curious Tommy
to crawl out of his playpen and out the front door, which was inadvertently left ajar.
Tommy goes outside to play with a ball, only for two guys to swing by and swoop him up.
Their reasoning for kidnapping a baby on this children's show is comically misguided: They
got the address wrong and meant to kidnap a different baby, the son of a rich guy.
While they throw a ransom note attached to a brick at the Pickles' house - missing the
window - Tommy ends up escaping by causing so much chaos that he annoys the kidnappers
enough to drive him home.
Perhaps this Rugrats episode was the seed that got a generation hooked on true crime-based
entertainment.
SpongeBob SquarePants mines humor from its hugely different characters.
SpongeBob is silly, childish, and unrelentingly happy, while his neighbor and Krusty Krab
coworker Squidward is reserved, aloof, and sullen - and, let's face it: if you had to
deal with that much happy day in and day out, you'd be a downer too.
However, in the 2012 episode "Are You Happy Now?"
Squidward's malaise turns into full-on depression after he realizes he has no happy memories.
SpongeBob takes it upon himself to create some for his pal, but his efforts fail, prompting
Squidward to lock himself away in his house for two weeks.
SpongeBob peeks through the mail slot to see a pile of mail and an unusually filthy house.
Squidward, shuffling around the house in a bathrobe, refuses help.
And so - because, sometimes, people can make big ol' boo-boos - the writers thought it'd
be funny to toss in not one, not two, but THREE jokes about Squidward taking his own
life.
First, SpongeBob remarks:
"Hey.
Hey.
Squidward."
"Well, at least we know he's still alive."
The second occurs when Squidward confesses that he, quote, "just can't seem to get happy,"
and then proceeds to stick his head in his oven.
Of course, it's a ruse, as he's merely pulling out a pan of burnt brownies.
Oh - and did we mention the scene where the writers trick you into thinking Squidward's
about to straight up hang himself.
"I can't seem to get happy.
Maybe this will help.”
That's when SpongeBob takes one last stab at treating his friend's depression: He throws
Squidward a party - but since nobody comes, and because he'd made 100 papier-mache statues
of himself - Squidward works himself into a rage and destroys every last of them, finally
generating a "happy memory."
Writing for television is hard.
After a few seasons on the air, it's tough to come up with new ideas, which is why so
many TV series wind up doing a riff on It's a Wonderful Life.
In that 1946 movie, a schmo named George Bailey attempts to kill himself, only to be rescued
by an angel who shows him how the world would be worse off had he never been born.
"Get me back to my wife and kids!
Help me, Clarence!
Please!
Please!"
Dozens of shows have made their own version, from ALF to Night Court to The O.C.
But it took the Nickelodeon cartoon Fairly OddParents to truly subvert the idea.
Every episode, Timmy Turner asks his bumbling fairy godparents Cosmo and Wanda to grant
him a wish, and in "It's a Wishful Life," Timmy, bitter over a lack of recognition for
doing good deeds, wishes to have never been born.
Fairy commander Jorgen Von Strangle then arrives to show Timmy what life would be like for
the figures in his life had he never come around … and they're… well… better.
Cosmo and Wanda serve Timmy's friend Chester, who uses his magic for acts of kindness and
charity; Timmy's other friend A.J. grows up and graduates college, having not been held
back by Timmy's bad influence; his bully is a nice and compassionate guy; and his parents
instead had a daughter and are rich.
This extremely depressing message is ultimately undone when the wish's effects are reversed,
but still - pretty existential stuff for a cartoon.
There's a fine history of urban blight in children's television.
Probably the most popular and famous kids' show ever, Sesame Street, takes place in a
grimy, rundown Manhattan neighborhood where one of the characters literally lives in a
trash can.
Sesame Street doesn't seem to be located too far from the urban jungle where Arnold of
Hey Arnold! resides in a boarding house with his grandparents.
Sure, he lives in cramped quarters among strangers, but his room is full of high-tech toys, which
is a paradise compared to what life is like for his friend Sid.
He's a tough-looking guy who wears a leather jacket and a backwards ball cap, but that's
apparently just armor to keep up his defenses.
In the episode "Arnold's Room," Sid teams up with a rich kid named Lorenzo for a school
project, and when Lorenzo suggests they meet at Sid's house to work, Sid panics.
His family doesn't have much money, and his room is small and ramshackle.
So he gets Arnold to let him pretend that his happy, toy-filled room is his, so as to
impress Lorenzo and not embarrass himself.
Lorenzo ultimately discovers the lie but forgives Sid, probably because the situation is just
so upsetting.
Way back when, The World of David the Gnome was an integral element of Nick Jr., an early
morning programming block for toddlers and preschoolers.
This quiet, gentle, fantastical show concerned a bearded gnome named David roaming around
the forest with other gnomes, staying away from trolls, and hanging out with a fox named
Swift.
Already steeped in gnome mythology, The World of David the Gnome doubled down in its final
episode - to potentially traumatizing effect.
Gnome lore says that gnomes live to the age of 400 and then die, and for the entire run
of the series, David, along with his wife Lisa and another gnome named Casper, were
about 399.
The series finale finds David, Lisa, and Casper accepting their deaths, and they march to
the Mountain of Beyond.
"Well, this is the end of the road.
There's the Mountain of Beyond."
Little kids at home then watched - as did David's heartbroken best friend, Swift - as
the gnomes died the way gnomes do, which is to magically transform into trees.
Happy birthday, David!
"Don't cry, my friend.
Don't cry.
After we've gone, you'll find some new friends.
I'm sure of it."
Hey, kids love references to Dante's Inferno, the most famous part of The Divine Comedy,
the 14th-century epic poem in which a mortal travels to Hell, right?
That's not even nearly the most troubling thing in "To Heck and Back," a 1993 episode
of Nickelodeon's bizarro cartoon Rocko's Modern Life.
Rocko, a wallaby, and his best friend, a male cow named Heffer, dine at Chokey Chicken,
where the gluttonous Heffer orders nearly $40 worth of food - which is a lot, especially
in 1993.
While devouring his mountain of food, Heffer chokes on a rib cage and dies.
His soul ascends to Heaven, but then his angel wings turn into weights, and he crashes down
in Hell, or rather Heck.
You know, because this is a children's show and saying the word "Hell" would be inappropriate.
It would seem that Heffer's commission of the deadly sin of gluttony was especially
severe, as a highlight reel of his life points out.
He's ultimately saved from eternal torment for eating too much when Rocko revives him.
But as they head out to a movie, Heffer asks if they can stop for a bite at Beef Barge.
Not only did Heffer learn nothing from his journey to Heck, but seeing as how he's a
steer, he's also okay with cannibalism.
Yikes.
For those of you who've successfully repressed chilling memories of the crime against humanity
that was Mr. Meaty, here's a refresher.
This workplace sitcom - which took the form of both three-minute shorts and full-length
episodes - centered on the day-to-day action at Mr. Meaty, a disgusting fast food restaurant
in a mall food court operated by two grotesque puppets: nerdy Parker and too-cool-for-school
Josh.
In between trying to impress classmates who stop by Mr. Meaty, Parker and Josh deal with
unusual fast food problems.
In one episode, Parker eats 12 "Ms. Meaty" burgers, topped with Ms. Meaty sauce that's
apparently so loaded with estrogen that it puts him on an excruciating physical transformation
into a girl.
In another, Parker and a goth girl customer stick their hands in oil… and then proceed
to eat their own crispy fingers.
Oh, and then there's the time Parker eats raw beef and develops a tapeworm.
"Gotcha!"
As there's something at least mildly disturbing in almost every Mr. Meaty episode, it probably
left an entire generation of kids reluctant to go out and get that first after-school
job at a fast food place.
How Invader Zim ever landed on a children's network is a bit surprising.
This cartoon series about an alien named Zim posing as a child and bent on world domination
is the creation of comic book writer and illustrator Jhonen Vasquez, who was previously best known
for his print work - specifically a series called Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, which
centered around the eponymous killer and his penchant for brutality.
Invader Zim wasn't quite as dark as Johnny, but it did come close on occasion.
Take the "Dark Harvest" episode for example.
One day, Dib scans Zim with an X-ray device, noticing that Zim's organs look nothing like
human organs.
That prompts Zim to take his passing-for-human up a notch: He goes on a quiet rampage around
his grade school, attacking teachers and students, stealing their organs, swallowing them, and
leaving objects in their stead.
"Look at you!
You've gone too far!
You're a hideous blob of stolen organs!"
"I've been working out."
Zim eventually harvests the organs of everyone in the school.
In other words, his twisted scheme of organ thievery works, and he suffers no consequences
or punishment.
Well, except for a case of head pigeons.
"That one has head pigeons.
The other one is just annoying.
Fix it!"
Canadian sketch comedy show You Can't Do That on Television became one of Nick's earliest
hits.
It was basically a combination of Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock, although the sketches
were surprisingly dark for a kiddie show - one recurring bit featured a kid tied to a post
trying to talk his way out of execution via firing squad.
The suits at Nickelodeon had no problem with underage capital punishment, so they sure
didn't mind joking about adoption.
You Can't Do That on Television episodes usually had a theme, and, for a 1987 episode, that
theme was "Adoption," but it was really "let's make fun of adopted kids."
In one sketch, for example, a newly adopted child is treated like a dog, leash and all.
"Why didn't you just go to the Humane Society and adopt a dog?"
"Well, you see dear, the Humane Society charges $35 to adopt a dog!"
After it aired, Nickelodeon decided to pull it out of rotation.
In 2012, show co-creator Geoffrey Darby told Splitsider:
"We ourselves didn't understand what buttons were being pushed about an episode dealing
with adoption.
And that was our mistake … And so that was a bad show.
… I think it only ever aired once."
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