♪♪
[ Static ]
-You're watching "ESPN Classic."
-If you like your winter sports slow and complicated,
then you've come to the right place!
It's the "Gyne-Lotrimin Ladies World Cup of Curling"!
And tonight's matchup is so hot, the ice might melt.
First up, Team Finland led by Captain Helga Birkenstock...
and the reigning world champions, Team Paraguay,
led by Maria Shakira Prinze Jr.
We're comin' to you live from the Tacomadome!
Good evening. I'm Pete Twinkle.
And seated next to me providing great color commentary,
the godfather of my two adopted girls, Greg Stink.
-Thanks, Pete, and a big hello to Lupe and Xao Din.
I got some porcelain collector's thimbles for you young ladies.
I just gotta glue 'em back together,
and they're good to go. -[ Laughs ] What a guy.
-We're best friends! -[ Laughs ]
Now, why don't we meet tonight's competitors?
Up first, we've got Helga Birkenstock.
Now, it looks like she's inspecting
her teammates' brushes.
Very important thing to do.
Greg, I gotta ask you, what is the purpose of those brushes?
-Hoh-hoh. No idea! -[ Chuckles ]
Well, I mean, if you had to take a stab in the dark.
-Well, I'd probably kill someone.
-Well, no, no, no.
No, Greg, I-I wasn't saying a literally stab.
-Oh. -Yeah, okay. You know what?
Why don't we take a look now at Team Paraguay?
Prinze Jr. really knows
how to motivate her teammates, a true leader.
Look at her just giving a pep talk, Greg.
Greg, what do you think is being said right now?
-Well, you just said she was a true leader,
then you asked me that question,
and I am currently saying these words, so I guess these words.
-Well, no, Greg. No, Greg.
I wasn't asking about what we were saying to each other.
-Oh! Then my answer makes no sense.
-Greg Stink. You gotta love this guy.
-That's nice of you to say. -[ Laughs ]
-Hey, you also gotta love tonight's sponsor,
Gyne-Lotrimin "vagynal" cream.
When you got something fungal
deep down in your lady jungle.
Gyne-Lotrimin "vagynal" cream.
Might be "vaginal" cream.
-I do not know which one it is.
-All right.
It's regional I guess.
-[ Chuckles ] -Anyway.
Greg, as the ladies continue to warm up,
what's the best way for them to get in the zone?
-Well, they probably want to find a private room,
maybe grab a hand-held mirror,
pop down in a squatting position --
-Oh, no, no, no, no, Greg! No, Greg.
No. Buddy, that's my fault.
You know, I wasn't talking about a zone where you can put
a fine product like Gyne-Lotrimin.
I meant more of a mental zone. -Oh, like a daydream.
-Yeah, sure, buddy. All right. You know what?
Let's go down to ice where it looks like Helga Birkenstock
is about to slide the first stone.
Here she goes. -[ Screaming gibberish ]
-Look at that. Wow. Look at this. Look at this.
Oh, and quite a shot! Unbelievable!
Look at that! Oh, a big kick.
Oh, she loves God. She loves God.
Greg, how many points
do you think she gets for a shot like that?
-Oh, I don't know. Five?
-Oh, okay, you just kind of pulled
that number out of thin air, didn't you, buddy?
-Well, you put me on the spot, I did not know what to say,
so I looked down at my hand, I saw five fingers,
and I went for it. -I love it. I gotcha.
-Why is it so cold in here?
-Well, we're in an ice rink, buddy.
-Oh, that makes sense.
-[ Laughs ] Hey, you know what else makes sense?
Choosing Gyne-Lotrimin.
From Bo Derek to Susan Lucci,
it's the brand that stars use to clean their coochie.
Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal cream.
Back to the action.
All right. Here they go. Look at this.
The Paraguayans known for their showmanship.
And, oh, what an amazing curl,
knocking Team Finland right out of the house!
Look at that. She is fired up. Bingo!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I have no idea what's happening!
-Well, neither do I, buddy.
The rules of this game are baffling to me.
You know, for once I know
what it feels like to be in your shoes.
-Oh, you'd never fit in my shoes.
I have tiny, tiny, feet. I mean, my toes are literally
the size of little pieces of rice.
-[ Laughs ]
Greg -- Greg, do you know what the word "literally" means?
-No! Busted.
-[ Laughs ]
Hey, you know what's not busted? Gyne-Lotrimin.
Ain't nothin' finah than a yeast-free vagina.
Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal "cremm."
When you hop up from the futon
and all you left was a wet crouton.
Gyne-Lotrimin vaginal cream. We'll be right back!
[ Static, film projector clicking ]
[ Static ] -You're watching "ESPN Classic."
A great way to win money off your stupid friends.
-If you're looking for fast-paced, hard-throwing
lady dart action, you've hit the bull's-eye.
It's the Summer's Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship.
And today's matchup is sure to be a barn burner,
featuring Darcy Vancouver
and the number-one-ranked world amateur,
Olga "The Wolf Bear" Bogunskaya.
Good evening. I'm Pete Twinkle.
And seated next to me, providing great color commentary --
and, man, oh, man, is this guy a snappy dresser --
Greg Stink. -Thanks, Pete.
I got this jacket at a thrift store,
but I could not find the pants that went with it.
-Well, the sweatpants work just fine.
-Well, thank you for giving them to me.
I wrote you a thank-you note.
Just got to track down a stamp and pop it in the mail.
-[ Laughs ] Can't wait to read it.
Well, now why don't we meet tonight's players?
Up first, we've got Darcy Vancouver.
-Now, it looks like she's warming up that elbow.
Such an important part of her process, huh?
Look at that.
Now, Greg, how important is it
to keep the elbow loose and warm in a dart match?
-Oh! Yeah!
-Well, no, that wasn't a yes-or-no question.
-Okay.
-[ Laughs ] All right.
Well, she's gonna be squaring off against Olga Bogunskaya!
Now, Olga is a Russian lady type.
First time competing in the States.
They call her The Wolf Bear.
-[ Growls ] -Uh-huh.
Now, Greg, tell me.
How do you think she got that nickname?
-Oh-ho-ho! Somebody who knew her
probably called her that at some point,
and another person heard it and said, "Hey, I like that,"
and it just kind of stuck. -[ Laughs ]
Well, now, Greg, I know the process of acquiring a nickname,
but I'm asking about how "The Wolf Bear" is specific to her.
-Oh, I don't know.
Probably, uh -- I don't know.
-[ Laughs ] Okay.
Well, wherever she got it from, it fits.
A quick shout-out to our sponsor this evening,
Summer's Eve feminine-hygiene products --
when something's gone wrong,
and it's the smell of your thong.
Summer's Eve. Douche.
Now, Greg, can you tell the viewers at home a little bit
about the equipment they'll be using tonight?
-Well, it's just basically
a bottle with a thin curved nozzle.
I don't know that they're gonna be using it tonight.
Is it something you use every day?
-No, no, no, Greg. No, no, I'm sorry about that.
That's my fault. That's my fault, pal.
I wasn't talking about the, uh, fine equipment
that the good people at Summer's Eve make.
I meant, what kind of darts are the ladies using tonight?
-Oh, boy, I wouldn't put darts anywhere near a vagina.
-No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, Greg. Sorry about that. I was talking about --
You know what? Why don't we just go down to the floor,
where it looks like Darcy Vancouver's up first.
All right. Here she goes. That's the first throw.
[ Thud ] Nice toss there.
Oh, look at that precision. Look at that. Wraps it around.
[ Thud ]
Her college-softball days showing evident.
[ Thud ] Holy -- That no look!
And look at that! Three triple 20s!
She gets 180 on her first turn.
Frozen with excitement.
Wow, wow, wow! How about that for a start, huh, Greg?
-Oh-ho-ho! I missed it!
Just got sucked into this word search.
The theme is animal kingdoms,
so I'm guessing we're looking for -- for names of kings.
-No. No, buddy, I think you're looking for animals there.
-Oh-oh! Okay. I'll keep my eye out for both.
Great idea. -Great idea, indeed.
Hey, you know what another great idea is?
Summer's Eve --
when your man's in a coma from your panty aroma.
Summer's Eve. Douche.
Back to the action.
All right. The Wolf Bear Known for her
unorthodox throwing style.
-Raaaaah!
-Wow! What a cocky move.
Look at -- Oh, an amazing shot!
Two in...
-Oh, my God! -How about that?
Wow. Pretty excited about that throw, huh, Greg?
-Oh. Oh, no.
Just found another animal in the word search.
-Oh, yeah? -"Tostrich."
-Tostrich? -Yeah.
-I think you might want to just go with "ostrich" there, buddy.
-Oh-oh-oh! Good call. -[ Chuckles ] All right.
Speaking of good calls, Summer's Eve --
when your situation down south
makes him breathe through his mouth.
Summer's Eve.
Dootch.
-Pete, I have a question for you.
-Oh, yeah? What's that, Greg? -Now, why can't you just walk up
and put the darts wherever you want?
-Well, then it'd be called tacks, buddy.
[ Laughs ] That's what I think.
-Oh, whoa! [ Laughs ] I found another one.
-Oh, yeah? What'd you get? -"Fish."
-Oh, yeah? Speaking of fish, Summer's Eve.
We'll be right back!
♪♪
[ Static ] -You're watching "ESPN Classic."
-Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action,
you can pop the batteries right out of that remote!
Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship
sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads!
And today we've got some powerhouse hitters,
featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento...
and the Swiss sensation,
Greta "Cuckoo Clock" Kukendorf!
Good afternoon!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It is 12:09 in the p.m. on June 17, 1994.
I'm Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me,
providing great color commentary --
and, man, oh, man, does this guy
love to grow his own vegetables --
it's Greg Stink!
-Thanks, best friend! -[ Laughs ]
All right, now, Greg, it looks to me like
you haven't shaved in a while.
-Yeah, I've been going through some stuff lately.
-Ohh. I'm sorry to hear that, buddy.
What kind of stuff you going through?
-Oh, you know, just some old boxes,
doing some spring cleaning, haven't got a chance to shave.
-Okay, good. I thought you were gonna say
that your wife had left you.
-Oh-ho! Yeah, she did. -Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, buddy.
-[ Laughs ] -Yeah. All right.
Well, hey, a quick shout-out to our sponsor --
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
When you have your monthly boo-boo,
put one of these near your hoo-hoo!
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
All right. Why don't we meet our first competitor?
It's two-time champion Virginia Sacramento.
Now, it looks like she's
deciding where to put that tee, huh?
Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you,
how important is the placement?
-Oh, it's very important. -Mm-hmm.
I mean, she's gonna want to stick that pad
right on the inside
of her underpanties. -Okay.
-You'll line it up with the privates,
and then she can just, you know, let 'er rip.
-Oh, no, no, no, Greg. I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry about that. That's my fault.
I'm not talking about the placement
of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads.
We're talking about the placement of balls!
-Oh, well, I've never wanted to second-guess the Lord.
I think he placed the balls right where
they're supposed to be. -Okay.
-And that's good enough for me.
-[ Laughs ] You know what? Me too.
Hey, you know what's good enough for everyone?
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
It's the downstairs patch for your baby hatch.
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
Oh. Oh. Thank you.
All right. We're getting some breaking news.
Once again, it's 1994.
Uh, I'm hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently
being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway.
We go to a shot now, and you can see that's his Bronco.
That shot is live.
He is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood.
Okay, well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather
covering the action.
We go now to O.J. Simpson's house, live.
-Hey, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late.
How long before we're on the air?
Really? Okay. I could --
I could use a little time to sober up.
-Mm-hmm. -Okay. Okay.
Well, it doesn't look like Randy's quite ready yet.
We'll check back in with him in a minute.
Let's get back to the action, though.
Let's see. Sacramento is ready to swing.
Here she goes. -Eee!
-Oh, boy! And she crushed it!
Whoo! And look at that. She's happy.
She is loving that. Look at that.
Oh, man. Whoo! Look at her go.
Golly.
Greg, I gotta ask you, have you ever seen a woman
hit anything that hard?
-Ohh, yeah.
-Yeah? Well, do you remember who?
-No. -Okay. Okay. All right.
Well, that's all right. Oh, oh, oh! I'm being told
we're going back to Randy Feather.
Randy, what do you got for us?
-I'll tell you exactly how big.
-Randy? -Four inches.
-Wh-- Randy? Can you hear me?
-Around? Oh, I'd probably say like a McDonald's straw.
-No. Randy! -What's that?
Oh, it's a forest out there. [ Chuckles ]
-Okay. Okay, so, uh -- so Randy's still not ready.
-Randy-y-y-y! -No, no, no.
It's all right. It's all right. We're all right.
Hey, you know what's always ready, though?
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
I see London, I see China,
I see one very happy vagina!
Stay Free Maxi Pads.
Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up.
Now, Greg, you can tell
she's got that lower-body injury.
She's clearly not at 100%.
You know, how is that gonna affect her today?
-Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.
-Mm-hmm. -Is she 99%?
-Okay. -98%?
-Right. -97%?
-Right. -98%?
-Oh, you went back up there, buddy.
-96%? -There you go. All right.
Just hold that thought for me, will you?
-Okay. -All right. We got, uh...
Oh, man. Okay, uh, it looks like we're going back
to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson's house.
It's 1994. Randy?
-You know, I used to be a stripper.
I know. I know. With this body? [ Chuckles ]
I used to be way fatter back then.
Like a -- Like a hundred pounds fatter.
-Hey, Randy, can you hear me?
-But it was too much stress on my back,
so I lost weight and got a butt reduction
and then went into broadcasting.
Can I just kiss one of your eyes?
-Okay. Sorry. Sorry about that, folks.
I don't -- I-I don't know what's going on.
-Well, he can't hear us. -Okay, thank you.
Thank you, Greg.
[ Laughs ] Greg Stink. There's not a finer person.
And, hey, there's not a finer product
than Stay Free Maxi Pads.
When your uterine lining
looks like the elevator from "The Shining."
[ Sniffles ]
Stay Free Maxi Pads!
All right. Back to the action.
Kukendorf is at the tee. Here we go.
Let's see what happens.
-Whoo! -Oh, look at that!
No backswing necessary. She crushed it!
Okay. Look at that. Holy smokes.
All right. Oh. Okay. I'm a little wary to do this,
but we're going back to Randy. Randy?
-Yes, Pete? -Okay, great. We got him.
Good. Okay, great.
Uh, Randy, can you tell us what you know?
-Well, Pete...
at this point, not much, except the Juice is loose.
-Hey, speaking of loose juice, Stay Free Maxi Pads!
We'll be right back!