An Englishman and a Frenchman were drilling a tunnel under the Channel.
Who made sure they met in the middle?
(Alan) Were they all really dressed like that?
The Frenchman is called Phillipe Cozette,
and the Englishman is called Graham Fagg.
*laughter*
Er. And they did meet in the middle. I mean, they were like, just, uh, like, 300-odd millimetres out.
I mean, it was extraordinary how accurate it was. But what would they use, to know exactly-
-Sonar, I would imagine. -Not sonar. -Shouting? -Not shouting! No.
"Hello?! Are you there?!"
"Oui, we are here!"
"Oh, we've gone past you!"
"We've gone past you! We're coming back!" That's the way, yeah.
Then, they would just say "No no no, it's two tunnels. One- one's, one is the extra tunnel."
-"We'll keep going! We'll keep going." Have you read Birdsong, by Sebastian Faulks? -Indeed, yes.
-It's all about tunnelling, the... -The saps. The, the, the, yeah.
-It's a brilliant book. - It is a good...
-But they would tunnel underneath the enemy trenches... -Yeah. Yeah.
...plant explosives, and then... but of course, the other side were doing the same thing!
So they would be... it's a brilliant novel, they're in... in the tunnel and everyone has to be completely quiet,
and they can hear the Germans. Tunnelling.
And they've... are they gonna... let their bomb off, are we gonna let our bomb off?
-I can't... See? How quiet it's gone? That's how good the book is. -Yeah. You're right.
-I'm not gonna tell you what happens! But it's really good. -It is.
Be a Scot. It'll be an engineer...
-It wasn't a Scot, I'm afraid to say. -Oh, come on. It must be.
You'd think it would be.
Whoa. Is that Superman, up the top there?
*laughter*
It is Superman!
-Well spotted! -What the hell is going on?
They were told to wear high-visibility clothing, and he did.
-He came straight from a party, the night before. -I think he did.
Obviously, it was some celebration there.
That- that machine that they used, they had it at the side of the motorway for ages after they finished the Tunnel.
It had a large sign on the side of it, just said "One careful owner".
*laughter*
The French, rather sweetly, gave them names: Brigitte, Europa, Catherine, Virginie, Pascaline, and Séverine...
...and they, after the Tunnel, they dismantled them and rebuilt them, and, you know, kept them.
And the British didn't give them names, rather dully,
and they made the machines burrow themselves into the ground, where they just left them.
[everyone] Awww!
-Just says it all, doesn't it? -Doesn't it?
I'm ashamed. I'm faintly ashamed.
So who did get them to meet in the middle?
A German. Invented a machine, to do it.
And the machine is called a gyrotheodolite.
Because the problem is you can't know where you are underground, because you can't use a compass
-because the magnetic ore in... -Or GPS.
Er, er, or GPS, because you haven't got line-of-sight, obviously, with the...
-"Turn left." -Yeah. So...
*laughter*
-So it uses, being a GYROtheodolite- -"Do a U-turn." -"Do a U-turn, where possible."
"When possible. Please do a U-turn."
-"You are: under the sea." -Yeah.
But no, it was... what- what would a GYROtheodolite use, to find out where- where you are, or where north is?
So "gyro" means...
-Revolving. -Revolving. It's the rotation of the Earth.
Ahhh.
So it can work out where north is.
Oh. Why don't you... you could just ask Superman where you are.
-Yeah, you just ask Superman, who has a little place near the North Pole. -Love the fact that Superman's got a hard hat.
"Come on! You're the Man of Steel!"
"Can't be too careful."
So it was a German invention. His name was Max Schuler.
-So they had one at each one? The French had one of these machines, and, and the British had one. -Yeah.
They didn't meet half-way, however. Er, who had got furthest? The French or the English?
Oh, the English, surely.
No, we got furthest.
It was the... it was the French, because the English were wandering about disposing of the earth,
out the bottom of their trousers.
*laughter*
Making sure nobody could see.
"Just past the guy vaulting the horse. We'll be fine, come on."
We- we got further?
-That's good. -Yes, but, err... not because the French were lazy and workshy.
-Well, they were talking to their machines, weren't they? [French accent] "My beautiful machine..." -Well, because...
They had geological difficulties their end.
[French accent] "Oh. We are experiencing geological difficulties at the moment, mon petit cher, but..."
"...soon, we'll all be good.
-No, they're giving them names. -[French accent] "Let ze English do ze work."
Remind me... remind me, Stephen, of the German who made - what was it? A gyroscopic theodolite?
-Yes. -Cause I've got to say, a brilliant invention, but not a huge market.
No, you're right! That's unfortunately true, there are just not enough tunnels being built there.
-[German accent] "Ve have sold two!" -Yeah.
*laughter*
"All going very vell!"
"Ve vere hoping for sales of one, but ve are selling two!"
There was... there was a man called Colonel Barog, who could have used it in India when they were doing a tunnel for the railway there,
and, uh, they missed, and he went home and shot himself.
-He was so ashamed. -Did he hit?
*laughter, applause*