[music]
- Corey. Corey! You gotta get up. - You gotta get up!
No come on you're gonna be late.
- You're gonna be late. - Come on!
I called your mom.
She's gonna be here in a minute.
(mumbling)
You never listen to me.
Okay I love you I gotta go.
- Get up! - (mumbles)
I'm up.
- There. - Oh yeah! That's it.
You are just... you're on that computer too much.
You're all in knots.
Are you really blaming this on the computer?
What is it?
I'm sorry but I can't sleep on this crappy old futon anymore.
My sister gave birth to beautiful twins on this 'crappy old futon'!
I know and you haven't even washed off that nasty stain!
I can't. It looks too much like Jesus.
or Che Guevara.
I can't decide which. listen.
Listen... I really appreciate that...
you love to collect odd shit.
"Whimsical collectibles!"
But clinging onto a futon mattress that you've had since middle school?
That's... that's beyond nostalgic!
Fine.
We can get a new bed but we're NOT throwing him away.
"it."
Sh!
Whatever. All right...
Hey you know what? I'm just gonna go by Drowzy's tomorrow during my lunch break.
I don't get out of work until 5:00, why don't we go after work?
Oh you don't have to go! I know how you hate box stores, it's fine.
Oh. My. God! You are embarrassed to shop for a mattress
with your husband because of our sexy manly sexuality will be too much!
You're being ridiculous. I'm very comfortable with who I am.
I just prefer to come out on a need-to-know basis.
Yeah well I'm on a need-to-know what mattress we'll be sleeping on basis!
Fine.
Fine!
- This is pretty nice! - Yeah it's pretty firm.
- It's a thousand dollars... - We are NOT making a baby on a cheap bed.
Oh this one's very comfy! You wanna try it out?
Ok!
Some like it hard, some like it soft.
Welcome to Drowzy's, sir!
What can I help you find this lovely evening?
Well I'm looking for a mattress.
But my significant other...
half...
...person isn't here yet.
So maybe we should wait for them to get here.
- Them? - Erm...
You player!
Let's get you started on our smart bed.
- What's so smart about it? - It's high-tech and its user friendly!
It analyzes your bed habits and chooses the best mattress for you and your lifestyle.
Lifestyle?
Push the button.
Good morning! I'm here to help you find a mattress that's juuuuuust right!
Let's get started. Are you a male, female or other?
You are a male. Do you have a sleeping partner?
Your default sleeping partner is a female. Is this correct?
Excuse me do you have waterproof mattress pads?
- Of course. For the little one? - Erm, no...
We're gonna need queen size.
Through there, and against the wall.
Thank you.
You are a male customer with a male sleeping partner!
[loud music]
Awesome!
- What's his name? - Who?
Your sleeping partner!
What's his name?
Corey.
- Corny!? - COREY!
Ladies and gentlemen, his sleeping partner's name is Cory
[fanfare]
Now have we got news for you!
Congratulations Miss Thing! You're the first HOMOSEXUAL customer at this franchise!
You will receive 25% off your purchase
when you complete your evaluation and submit the email addresses of all
your gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning and sexually ambiguous friends!
Hey bro what's your body type as listed on your Manhunt profile?
- Wha... what's Manhunt? - Oh please...
Muscle queen? Twink? Troll? Bear? Cub? Or Otter?
- What's with all the animals? - I know right?
The gay culture finds affinity with various archetypes.
Most are woodland creatures.
Oh yeah I heard that on NPR.
They're so spiritual.
Woof!
When you practice S&M
are you dominant or submissive?
Where's the non-applicable button?
Sorry there's only two options.
You are SUBMISSIVE!
- And proud! - I could totally tell.
- Wait that's not what I pushed! - I knew it...
The smartbed is very intuitive.
- I had him pegged for a power bottom. - Really?
Please assume spooning position with your sleeping partner!
But he's not here yet.
Am I about the right size?
Not at all!
Look I...
I mean... I don't need a complete sleep analysis!
I just came here to buy a comfortable, affordable...
NORMAL bed!
Like this one! How much is this guy?
Well we can make it more affordable with...
a 50% discount when you complete your smart bed evaluation!
- Is he your boyfriend's size? - Erm, no.
I'm... sorry about that?
What about me?
Would you like a mint?
No I'm good.
So good!
Please mount smartbed!
What the hell are you doing!?
That's my real sleeping partner!
(everyone) - Corey!
(clapping)
Resume spooning position!
Let's just do this, please.
[sexy music]
- What's going on? - Don't ask questions just lie down.
Aww!
[clapping]
[singing in Mexican]
Hola! Senorita, would you like to pay your respects?
No? Well, that's cold. Alright chili con carne, vaya con Dios!