-Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
We are here from Studio 6A in New York City!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much for watching.
Thanks for being here. Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, it's been five days since the election was called,
and President Trump still has no plans to concede.
Pretty soon, we're going to need
Vladimir Putin to stage an intervention.
[ Laughter ]
[ Russian accent ] "Look, it actually isn't my birthday.
We -- We're worried about you."
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Yeah, we could be working
on the pandemic or the economy,
but instead, we had to lure Trump out of the White House
like a cat burrowed under the couch.
[ Laughter ]
Ss, ss, ss, ss, ss, ss!
Trump's pretty much refusing to leave the house.
He's basically turning into the old man from "Up."
[ Laughter ]
"I should've put helium in these balloons.
Why -- Why did I choose water?"
[ Laughter ]
Well, yesterday, a reporter asked
President-elect Biden about Trump's refusal to concede
and what it means for the country,
and here's what he had to say.
-I just think it's an embarrassment, quite frankly.
-Trump heard that and was like,
"That's what you thought was embarrassing?"
[ Laughter ]
"A porn star sued me."
[ Laughter ]
"What about when I tossed paper towels like free throws
at the hurricane victims?
This is embarrassing? Okay. Okay."
That's right, Biden called Trump an embarrassment.
Then he left the podium and spent 20 minutes
trying to find the opening in the curtain.
[ Laughter ]
"You gotta be kidding me."
But it's been a pretty rough couple of weeks for Trump.
Has there been any good news for him?
-NBC News has projected President Trump
as the winner of the state of Alaska.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-When the news broke, Steve Kornacki was like,
"You woke me up for this?!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's three electoral votes!"
Trump needs like 63 electoral votes, and he got 3.
It's like asking your friend for 20 bucks,
and they're like, "I have a Canadian loonie."
[ Laughter ]
But Trump appreciated the victory.
Today, he said, "I want to thank Alaska
and their leader, Queen Elsa."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is interesting. Most Republicans
haven't congratulated Biden on his win,
but they have been talking to his good friend,
Democratic Senator Chris Coons. Listen to this.
-What are they telling you behind the scenes?
-Um -- [ Chuckles ] -- bluntly, that they accept that --
I mean they call me to say, you know, "Congratulations.
Please convey my well wishes to the President-elect,
but I can't say that publicly yet."
[ Laughter ]
-Is this the third grade?
It's like, "Can you tell Emily
that I have a crush on her friend Ruby?"
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, assuming Trump does leave office,
the intelligence community is worried that he might reveal
some of the country's most classified secrets,
possibly in exchange for favors.
It's already not a great sign that the White House
Domino's guy is like, "I know some things."
[ Laughter ]
"I've seen some things."
Yeah, America's gone from thinking,
"How could he not read intelligence memos?"
to, "Thank God he didn't read intelligence memos."
[ Laughter ]
I wouldn't worry, though. You know the Pentagon
probably made stuff up just to see if he was listening.
It's like, "Sir, this is highly classified, but at night,
the Natural History Museum comes alive."
[ Laughter ]
"What?!" "Shh! Just don't tell."
Speaking of Trump's life after the presidency,
here's something that should make him feel a little better.
-President Trump could land a $100 million book deal
about his time in the White House.
"The New York Post" reports the President has been bombarded
with offers for book and TV deals.
The White House has not commented.
-$100 million.
When he heard that, Trump didn't just concede, he quit.
He's like, "I'm out. It's 100 mil."
Meanwhile, Melania was like,
"Just when I thought I was out, he pulls me back in."
[ Laughter ]
$100 million is a lot,
'cause you know Trump's just gonna print out
all his tweets and staple them together.
"Done. Pay me. There you go.
There's my book." [ Laughter ]
In the meantime, I read the Trump administration,
though, wants to make the U.S. citizenship test
more difficult so it's harder to become a citizen.
They even had President Trump try it out,
but I think they might have made it a little too tough.
I mean, check out his answers.
For example, when asked, "To win an election,
you need the most blank," Trump wrote down, "Lawyers."
[ Laughter ]
Next, for the question, "Where was the Constitution signed?"
Trump wrote down "Four Seasons Total Landscaping."
[ Laughter and applause ]
What?
Not a good start.
Next up, for, "What is the U.S. motto,
which can be found on the dollar bill?"
Trump wrote, "Nobody out-pizzas the Hut."
[ Laughter ]
So close. [ Chuckles ]
Next up, for, "What did the Declaration of Independence do?"
Trump put "Separated Harry and Meghan from England."
I mean -- [ Laughter ]
Why would he keep taking the test if he's --
But, up next, "If the president
and vice president can no longer serve,
who becomes president?"
Trump put down "Colonel Sanders."
[ Laughter ]
Next up, it says, "What does the president's cabinet do?"
Trump said, "Hold the president's snacks."
I mean, at this point, he should stop taking the test.
Why would they even have him --
But he continued to answer more questions.
[ Laughter ]
For the question, "Who do we thank on Veterans Day?"
Trump somehow wrote, "Doctors who take care of animals."
That's not veterans. [ Laughter ]
And finally, Trump answered one more question
before they took away his pen,
for, "What is the supreme law of the land?"
He wrote, "Eat, tweet, repeat." There you go.
Actually he did better than I expected.
Some business news. I saw that Chipotle is opening
its first-ever digital-only restaurant,
where customers have to order ahead and pick up their food.
I'm just afraid, because of these changes,
eating Chipotle will no longer feel
like an authentic Mexican experience.
[ Laughter ]
When the cashier calls out, "Steak burrito for Greg!"
a lot of customers will be like, "Whoa! How did you know?"
[ Laughter ]
Here's some more tech news.
Uber is launching a new feature. Check this out.
-Uber is launching a new service to try to attract
more customers during the pandemic.
The new option is called Uber Reserve.
Customers can now reserve rides up to 30 days in advance,
and they can pick their favorite driver for the trip.
-Who has a favorite Uber driver?
[ Laughter ]
It's like having a favorite subway conductor.
Now Uber drivers are gonna be the ones thinking,
"I hope this guy doesn't murder me."
[ Laughter ]
Also, 30 days? Who's like, "Okay.
I'm gonna be drunk in Brooklyn on a street corner
30 days from right now"? [ Laughter ]
And, finally, in Spain, a 19-year-old climber
made it to the top of a 660-foot crane
and then decided to hang out naked.
Here's the photo.
[ Laughter ]
Everyone on the street below was like, "That guy's nuts!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
When people told him no one wants to see his testicles,
he was like, "In Spain,
it's actually pronounced 'tethicles.'"
[ Laughter and applause ]