After the world saw
how a private conversation Donald Trump had
almost destroyed him, most people said,
"You know what? I've got to be more careful around mics."
But down in Brazil,
the government heard that tape and was like,
-"Hold my caipirinha." -(laughter)
WOMAN: Brazil's presidential palace is denying
that President Michel Temer, seen here,
authorized bribes to a jailed politician.
He's facing claims that there are recordings of him
discussing payments to silence a former speaker of parliament.
There are supposedly some tapes.
A potential political crisis,
tape recordings of potential payments
of hush money by the current president.
I-I don't understand this.
How are people still being caught
saying scandalous (bleep) on tape?
Here's a rule, guys.
In 2017, you should just always assume you're being recorded.
That's it. Just always assume you're being...
I assume I'm being recorded right now.
-(laughter) -Yeah, I just assume that.
That's why I won't share my real views on koala bears.
-I won't. -(laughter)
Eucalyptus chewing mother(bleep).
-(laughter) -Anyway, I've said enough. I've said enough.
'Cause I know.
Now, I've been trying to keep up with the scandal
that's plaguing the Brazilian government,
'cause it's really fascinating.
The current president was part of the team that might have
helped get the old president out for corruption.
And then, the current speaker of the house
is in prison for corruption.
And now, this is gonna be more corruption maybe.
But the truth is, I can't keep up, because I've been swamped
with all the scandals happening right here with President Trump.
It honestly feels like this guy stops all other news.
There are probably asteroids headed to earth right now.
-(laughter) -That are looking at each other like,
"Yo, man, maybe we should come back later.
"Yeah, no one's gonna notice us. Let's go."
This whole week has been engulfed by Russia and by Comey,
and... and we just don't have time for anything else.
But luckily for us, whenever this happens,
we have the perfectly segment at The Daily Show,
and it's called "Ain't Nobody Got Time for That."
-(cheers and applause) -(dramatic music plays)
Let's get right into it,
because it turns out Brazil isn't the only nation
whose top people have something to hide.
MAN: The king of the Netherlands has revealed
he's been leading a secret second life
as a commercial airline pilot.
King Willem-Alexander has been moonlighting
as a co-pilot for the past 21 years.
The 50-year-old monarch has been flying short-haul routes
twice a month with his passengers none the wiser.
-I'm-I'm sorry. What? -(laughter)
The King of the Netherlands was a secret airline pilot?
-How did no one notice? -(laughter)
Or maybe people did notice.
It's just that no one can take you seriously
when you get off a flight from Amsterdam.
It's like, "Dude, the pilot was the king!"
(laughter)
-"Okay, Chaz, okay." -(laughter)
But, still, this is unbelievable.
The Dutch king secretly working as an airline pilot.
Like, now it makes me wonder.
You know all those pictures we've seen
-of Queen Elizabeth driving? -(laughter)
Like, what if she's actually an Uber driver, huh?
-(laughter) -We don't know.
Brexit hit the British so hard, the queen was like,
-"Well, I guess it's time for a side hustle." -(laughter)
I bet if the queen was an Uber driver,
her small talk would be hilarious.
Just her in the car looking over like,
-"So, uh, you're poor, huh?" -(laughter)
"Yes, I've heard of that. It must be dreadful."
I guess this is the world we live in now.
World leaders have a second job.
The king of Holland is a pilot,
the queen drives for Uber, possibly.
And Donald Trump is a TaskRabbit for Putin.
-You know? -(audience groaning)
Yeah. You guys don't like TaskRabbit?
-Is that what it is? -(laughter)
You know, I wish it was the kind of week
where we could have more fun with this crazy story,
but we just don't have the time,
because the president of Turkey was visiting America.
And it turns out, he brought his laws with him.
There have been some new and startling images emerging
from Washington, DC, not far from the White House, in fact.
It all happened as the highly-controversial
president of Turkey was visiting,
here to meet President Trump at the White House.
Protesters in the nation's Capitol allegedly attacked
by President Erdogan's own security.
And some of the people attacked in this video were Americans
who were protesting.
Sweet Jesus.
Do you understand how insane this is?
A foreign leader brought his goons into America
to turn a peaceful protest into a surprise Black Friday.
Except it's worse than that,
because you don't get to leave with a TV.
I mean... that is one of the scariest things ever.
Especially for me. I'm not gonna lie.
'Cause in America, I'm like, "I'm safe.
I can talk (bleep) about anybody."
Now foreign leaders can come in and punish you?
Imagine if the queen heard my jokes from earlier on.
Now she's waiting at The Daily Show like,
"Where's Trevor? Where is he? Where's Trevor?"
Beating up Americans-- like, in any other news cycle,
this would be the story we'd all be talking about,
a foreign president's security detail
beating up American citizens
exercising their First Amendment protest rights.
This is like watching a stranger come into your house
and just start beating up your kids, you know?
Just, like, everyone. Just like, "Daddy, Daddy!
This strange man's beating us!" And like,
(like Trump): I know, I know. He's teaching me how to do it.
Carry on.
Uh-huh, uh-huh. I like your style.
(laughter)
The story of Erdogan's people
beating up protestors in DC is particularly disconcerting.
Because now it feels like there's a leader
in the White House who appreciates that level of force.
You know. And with more time, we could have...
we could have delved into Trump's admiration
for autocrats, you know, but... but the truth is,
the story that we have to cover
is the one that just broke last night.
It's been a stunning week and a stunning 24 hours,
with events that have
potentially enormous implications
for the White House.
Now word of a special counsel to investigate
whether there was collusion between the Trump campaign
and the Russians.
Oh, damn...!
Oh, damn, people!
A special counsel is gonna be investigating Trump!
You know what that means-- Trump is going to prison!
No, not really. He's gonna serve two terms, probably!
Two terms in prison!
-(cheering) -Yeah!
To visit Hillary Clinton!
Who he locked up. No? I keep losing you guys.
This is weird. This is weird.
No, look, we don't know what's gonna happen, right?
What we do know is both Republicans and Democrats
are putting a lot of trust into the man
who's now investigating Donald Trump.
Because it looks like he's one of the good ones.
NEWSMAN: The man leading this new investigation,
Bob Mueller, a former FBI director.
In some ways a unique figure in Washington.
Last confirmed by the Senate 100 to nothing.
His prestigious ten-year appointment
as FBI director extended by an additional two years.
There is no more respected figure
in American law enforcement than Bob Mueller.
Princeton lacrosse player, he's a jock,
he's-- more important, he's a marine.
He is not one of the best, Robert Mueller.
He is the best I ever saw.
Wow. Forget investigating the president.
Just make this guy the president.
Seriously. Good at his job, and everybody loves him?
He's like a reverse Donald Trump.
I bet his hands are huge.
-(laughter, whooping, applause) -Like... who is this man?
Who is he?
You know, watching these people on the news,
they're talking about Mueller like black guys in a barbershop
talk about sports, you know?
It's just like: Yo, man, Bob Mueller's on track
to be one of the greatest of all time, man.
Coming out of retirement, going after the president.
(bleep) Kobe was robbed, B!
That dude would've been the go.
Came after Hillary and Trump.
Yo, man, killing it on the right and the left!
(older voice): Yo, you young'uns
don't know nothin' about federal law enforcement.
If J. Edgar Hoover were around today, man,
he'd be running circles around their skinny white asses.
(younger voice): Man, (bleep) J. Edgar Hoover!
(bleep) J. Edgar Hoover!
We still don't know who killed Kennedy.
(older voice): Boy, you better watch your mouth!
Show me respect. I was cutting your daddy's hair
while you were still in his pubes!
All right, man, that's 20 d... $20.
Get out of here, man. Have a good day. God bless.
God bless, buddy. God bless.
(cheering, applause, whistling)
Barbershop 5. Thank you very much.
Now, uh... obviously, a special prosecutor,
especially of Mueller's stature,
essentially puts the White House on notice.
And you could tell by the way they reacted last night.
NEWSMAN: The White House released a statement, saying...
Wow.
You know what?
I'm proud of Trump.
That's a smart response.
It's calm, it's measured, it's appropriate.
It's also clearly not from him.
-(laughter) -You see, for real Trump,
you have to wait until the morning.
The president is awake.
He seems angry, and he is tweeting this morning.
Gone is the relatively measured statement from last night.
(cheers and applause)
No, I'm sorry.
I'm... Did you hear what that guy said?
"The president is awake and he seems angry.”
Trump being awake is breaking news?
That sounds less like a president
and more like we're being ruled
by the giant from "Jack and the Beanstalk.”
You know? "He's awake and he's angry.”
"Fee-fi-fo-fum.
"I smell the counsel of a special one.
"Be he alive or be he dead,
I grind his bones to make my skin red."
What is this?
What madness?
Anyway, anyway, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What were the tweets?
Here are the tweets from the president this morning,
saying, "With all the illegal acts
"that took place in the Clinton campaign
"and Obama administration,
there was never a special counsel appointed.”
The other tweet: "This is the single greatest witch hunt
of a politician in American history.”
You know, sometimes I feel bad for Trump's press team.
I mean, every day they're probably coaching him,
saying, "All right, Mr. President,
"just go out there and be calm,
and we'll get through this.” And he's like...
(imitating Trump): "Got it, got it. Stay calm.
Be presidential.”
"Mr. President, questions.”
(imitating Trump): "(bleep) you guys!
"You're all my enemy.
"I wish you were all dead,
"super dead, most dead ever.
All right, how did I do?”
Who is this guy?
You know what?
I know that they're struggling right now,
but I hope that Twitter never goes out of business,
because without them,
we'd never know who the president really is.
And that's all we didn't have time for.