When you base a movie on a theme park ride, expectations shouldn't run too high.
So, it was pretty surprising when Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the
Black Pearl did as well as it did… especially when compared to Disney's other park-ride-based
monstrosities, like The Haunted Mansion.
Or Tower of Terror.
Or The Country Bears.
"Oh my word!"
But Curse of the Black Pearl was a legitimate monster hit.
It was so huge, in fact, that it spawned several sequels of… varying quality.
There's a reason the original did so well — it was a lot of fun.
Of course, that doesn't mean it was perfect.
Here are a few things in Curse of the Black Pearl everyone just ignored.
What are the chances?
The entire plot of the movie depends on the crew of the Black Pearl attacking Port Royal
at the exact same time Jack Sparrow happens to stumble into town.
Okay, we can buy that — life is full of coincidences...and so are movie premises.
But what are the odds Jack would just happen to save the young lady who stole the medallion
a decade ago and get himself wrapped up right in the middle of the action?
Sure, sure...action-adventure movies usually hinge on some wild circumstances to get started.
But this film's got actual zombie pirates running around — and they're still somehow
more believable than all these introductory coinkydinks.
The Aztecs' priorities
So, the big conflict here is kickstarted by a magical spell from the Aztec gods, who cursed
their gold after their people were taken out by greedy explorers.
"So the heathen gods placed upon the gold, a terrible curse."
That's some real ultimate power right there.
If these gods are powerful enough to create elaborate zombie curses, why didn't they use
some of that power to keep their people from getting wiped out in the first place?
Do the Aztec gods only pull out the big magic for revenge, instead of actually protecting
the people who pray for them in the first place?
Use some of that fancy power to conjure up a mystic safe or something, guys.
It would have saved everyone from a lot of weak sequels.
The curse
So let's talk a little bit more about curse at the heart of the movie.
It's a little vague, but it's built around anyone who steals the Aztec gold.
Will and Elizabeth are in possession of a stolen piece of gold from the treasure chest, right?
So...shouldn't they be cursed too?
Some Pirates-apologists have pointed out that Will and Elizabeth didn't actually steal the
gold in the first place — they just took it second-hand, and, like, you don't pass
down Aztec curses like you pass down an old t-shirt.
If you want curses that horrify everyone you know and love, everyone knows that you have
to go full monkey's paw.
"Homer, where did you get that ugly thing?"
"Well, at the little shop over… there!
Hun?
No wait it's over there."
"You'll be sorry."
Still, you'd think a curse with this kind of teeth would have a little more bite.
Inconsistent pirate magic
Early on, Elizabeth negotiates for the safety of Port Royal by threatening to throw her
medallion into the water.
She spooks the pirates into backing down.
That's good negotiating!
But...why were the pirates worried about her dropping it off the side of the ship in the first place?
Didn't they show up in the town because they could sense the coin in the water, meaning
they can track this stuff?
And they're already undead, and we see them walk along the bottom of the ocean like it's
no big deal, making them the ultimate treasure divers.
Those skeleton pirates could absolutely just hop on down there and pull up as many medallions
as they want, and a few delicious lobsters just for fun.
Plus, they're in a relatively shallow port.
The only thing these dead pirates were spooked by was their own laziness.
Get it together
Captain Barbossa shows up and attacks Port Royal once the pirates sense the coin is there,
which is true to their pirate-y nature.
But, time out: why not propose a truce to try and get this curse thing solved?
Pretty much nobody wants to have a bunch of immortal ghost pirates sailing the seas, not
even the ghost pirates themselves.
Even later on, once they realize they need Will's blood to stop the curse, why not just
work together to end the curse so everyone can get on with their lives?
Communication is key, guys.
That's like lesson one at pirate school.
Defying physics
It might look like Will and Jack have invented the world's most ingenious solution to staying
underwater indefinitely, but the truth is that their little canoe trick just wouldn't have worked.
Unless you're 100% full of musket balls and meatloaf, most people's bodies naturally float.
Holding down an air-filled canoe so you can walk on the ocean's floor is absolutely impossible
without some kind of special equipment unavailable to most sneaky pirates.
It makes for a cool gimmick, but don't try this at home.
Because you can't.
Fool me once
Once Barbossa gets the drop on Jack, his master plan is to abandon him on an island.
You know, the same island he already escaped from, proving that he can probably escape
from it again.
Aren't there any better options, like leaving him on a different island?
Keeping him in a cage?
Literally anything else?
An island can't hold Jack.
Why does Barbossa think he won't just escape again?
Five-second rule
In the big climax of the film, Jack shoots Barbossa a moment before Will breaks the curse,
and subsequently, Barbossa dies from the gunshot wound.
So, if an injury like that can take out Barbossa, shouldn't all of the pirates be dead from
the injuries they sustained during the curse?
Nope, because Aztec magic apparently has a five-second rule, just like when you drop
a snack on the floor.
Just a few minutes earlier, Jack took a sword to the chest, but that somehow didn't kill
him when the curse was lifted, and almost all of the pirates, even the ones who took
guns to the face, are fine.
Except for that guy who'd just had a sword in him when the curse was broken.
How did Jack know that would work, anyhow?
Why not hedge your bets on mysterious Aztec magic and wait for Will to just drop the coin,
break the curse, then pull the trigger?
Because, you know, five-second rule.
Except for mortality.
Or something.
Being a pirate is hard, you guys.
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