- Yeah, somebody's like, "That's cheating."
I'm like, "This is fucking drug hiding.
There's no... there's no rules."
This isn't Milton Bradley, all right?
Fucking they won. They did it exactly right.
They got the pot, and they ate it.
[police siren blaring in the distance]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[coughs]
♪
Ha! Yes! [laughs]
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah!
[truck horn honks]
♪
[cheers and applause]
He's got his own podcast called "The Skeptic Tank."
Please give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
I-I go to UFC events a lot, and my friend gets me tickets--
Joe Rogan. He's my buddy.
And I like to get high.
I like to get super fucking high and go to UFC events.
The first three or four were really fun, you know.
It was exciting, people punching each other,
but then it got fucking boring after a little bit,
so I needed to get blasted on marijuana edibles.
Yeah, my friend's like, "How do you smuggle 'em in?"
I'm like, "In your stomach, that's how you smuggle them in."
Just as soon as you get to the parking lot,
you just eat that shit and then
fucking have a great time at the UFC.
It's, like, six hours long.
Those pot cookies last sometimes six, seven hours.
And we--in L.A., we have the best system.
You just go to a dispensary like a fucking gentleman,
stop by a store, say, "What are you doing?"
Like, "I'm going to a UFC event."
They're like, "Oh, I got just the cake for you,"
and they'll fucking pick one out.
They'll help you with it, too.
Anyway, so we take these pot breath strips.
Have you guys ever had the pot breath strips,
the marijuana breath strips?
No?
All right, well-- You've had them.
They're great. They come two to a pack.
They're in those little, like, Ziploc bags--
the ones that are, like, that big,
the ones that are, like, only for drugs.
[laughter]
There's nothing else you have to keep fresh in that size.
Like, what else--
What, you have to keep one apple seed
from going sour?
I don't know how they manufacture those
and think they're for anything else.
They're for fucking heroin and crack
and a little bit of pot edibles, so...
They're breath strips.
They're like Listerine breath strips, but they have--
I don't know how they make them--
scientists, pothead scientists that put marijuana in them.
The proper dose is half of one.
They come two to a pack, so it's a party for four.
And you have to fold it in half and crease it
and then tear it in half.
You eat half. The other person eats half.
It does not make your breath smell good, by the way.
Yeah, it makes it smell like weed.
You need a real breath strip after you're done with it.
So one time I took a full one.
Oh, no, I took one and a quarter,
'cause somebody wasn't gonna join in.
So we're like, "Fuck it. Let's just keep going."
And I was high for 27 hours.
[laughter]
Yeah, it's too long to be high for.
I woke up in the morning. I was like, "I'm really groggy."
And then by 3:00 p.m., I'm like, "Why am I still groggy?
Oh, I'm high as shit. I'm still super high."
So I take them with Joey Diaz.
We take them. We sit there.
We're like, "Oh, I kind of feel them."
And then after a while, we're like...
Like, you just get blasted.
It's a fun way to watch the fights.
It really is.
It's hard to score the cards...
like, to score the rounds.
Like, "Who's winning?"
I'm like, "I don't know.
"They're both trying really hard.
"I know they're both good at sweating,
"so maybe one round apiece.
I don't know."
Yeah, when somebody does get like, "He won 30-27,"
you're like, "Oh, so close!"
And everyone's like, "It was a blowout."
You're like, "Well, I don't know, man.
I don't know."
It's the best way to watch fights.
And I would tell people on podcasts and stuff
and on Twitter how I did it,
and people are like, "Oh, that sounds so cool."
And after a while, I was like, I feel bad for the people
who can't live life like a California person does,
you know, doesn't have access
to the medical grade marijuana shit we have all the time.
So I decided I was gonna, like, bring some to Vegas
to a fight and just give 'em to a fan,
and just let him watch a UFC the way I watch UFC,
fucking obliterated out of my mind
on a marijuana edible.
And instead of just handing it to somebody,
I decided I was gonna have a scavenger hunt.
Yeah, so Rogan does the weigh-ins on Friday afternoons,
and then the fights are on Saturday night.
So half the stadium will get shut down for the weigh-ins,
and I can walk back there with him.
So I have access to half of the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
I can just walk around, and I just hid stuff.
I just--they're, like, that small, they hide anywhere.
So I taped it to the bottom of a men's bathroom sink,
and then I made a bunch of clues.
Like, on the second floor, I made a bunch of clues,
and I put 'em on Twitter, like, every two minutes.
I timed 'em out for when the fight started the next day.
One was like, "If you want to get high, go up a level,"
you know, I made-- second floor, you know?
And then, like, "Don't forget to relieve yourself
before a long trip," shit like that.
And eventually somebody got to the bathroom.
He followed the clues,
got to the bathroom, was like, "I think it's here,"
and fucking went underneath the sink
and pulled off this little drug bag.
And he fucking did it. He had a great time.
Yeah, I felt like Robin Hood, everybody.
It was wonderful.
[cheers and applause]
It's the power of giving.
And I started doing it more and more.
I got off on it.
For 20 bucks, you could make someone's day.
I would tape them to a pillar, like, down here,
just this small, you know?
You can just tape it right there.
And I went to see if, um, somebody found it,
and I was walking by the section it was in.
Like, this is, like, three fights later.
I went by like this to, like, see.
And some usher comes by, and he goes,
"What you're looking for is no longer here."
[laughter] Yeah.
I guess a bunch of people had come by, like, looking.
'Cause that's the thing-- I don't tweet, like,
"Hey, party's over. Somebody found it."
I just, like, put the clues out,
and then when somebody gets it, they get it.
Oh, it's great. It's so much fun.
And then I started doing it at comedy shows, too.
One time I just taped those breath strips
to the bottom of a chair in Philadelphia,
and then I wrote on Twitter-- no clues.
It was like, if you follow me, look under your chair.
If you find it, you get it.
If not, somebody at the next show will get it.
So the very first show, Wednesday night,
these two, like, 22-year-old kids--
they just waited till the show was over
and went under all the chairs.
Yeah, and they found it.
Yeah, somebody's like, "That's cheating."
I'm like, "This is fucking drug hiding.
There's no... there's no rules."
This isn't Milton Bradley, all right?
Fucking they won. They did it exactly right.
They got the pot, and they ate it.
So, yeah, it was a lot of fun.
One time I hid a lollipop in Austin,
outside in the parking lot, outside Cap City Comedy Club.
And some pregnant lady found it.
- Ha! - Yeah.
She was like, "Is this safe to eat?"
And I'm like, "I don't think they've done any studies
"on that at all, so...
Yeah, eat it. I would eat it."
Better safe than sorry, you know?
'Cause what if she didn't eat it,
and then they do tests, like, years later,
and they find out it would've been safe
and she didn't eat it?
She'd never forgive herself.
[laughter]
Is that what "better safe than sorry" means?
Am I interpreting it right?
So my friends are like, "You're gonna get in trouble."
I'm like, "I'm not gonna get in trouble. I'll be fine.
I'll be totally fine," because I'm a good person.
I'm like Robin Hood.
Robin Hood didn't get in trouble, did he?
[laughter]
All right, anyway, back to my story.
So I was in the Mall of America,
and people are like, "Are you gonna bring those"--
We called it "hunt for the edible."
That's what I did.
That was a hashtag on Twitter-- "hunt for the edible."
And I would delete all the clues after somebody found them.
I would go back there and fucking delete them all.
Anyway, I was in Mall of America.
I was like, "Well, what better place to bring fucking drugs...
you know?
So I hid, uh, I hid these marijuana breath strips
in an underwear aisle of a J. Crew
at the Mall of America.
Yeah, there was a--there was a comedy club upstairs.
Rick Bronson's House Of Comedy was all the way upstairs,
and I hid it, and then I made a bunch of clues.
And, I mean, this is big. Mall of America's massive.
There was, like, 50 people
running around the Mall of America
looking for these pot breath strips.
And, anyway, I sent out all the clues
on, like, auto-release.
So, every two minutes, one would go out.
And then I was outside my show getting ready to go on.
I was just texting, and all of a sudden,
I heard somebody to my right, "Ari, can we talk to you?"
And I looked up, and it was a Mall of America cop.
Yeah, and then on my left
was a Minneapolis, like, state trooper.
And I was like, "Well, fuck. All right."
[laughs] And I was like, "What's going on?"
And they go, "Did you hide drugs
in the underwear aisle of a J. Crew?"
[laughter]
And, I mean, I was gonna deny it,
but that wasn't a lucky guess, you know?
Like, they must've already known at some point.
They're not just going to random people--
"Did you hide drugs at a J. Crew underwear aisle?"
No.
So I was like, "Yeah, I did, so?"
And they're like, "That's super illegal here."
I'm like, "Yeah, obviously. I'm really scared."
By the way, mall cops, in general,
they can go fuck themselves.
They don't have any power whatsoever.
I was with Dice once, and he was smoking in a mall.
I think at the Beverly Center.
And I was like, "What are you doing, man?
You can't smoke in a mall."
And he goes, "Really? I'm smoking, so..."
[laughter]
Yeah.
And then some mall cop comes up.
He's like, "You got to put that cigarette out."
He goes, "Okay," and he fucking stamps it out
and was like, "There. Sorry."
And then we walked away.
And I'm like, "See, you got in trouble."
He's like, "No, I smoked half a cigarette.
You smoked none."
Good point, Dice Man. Good point.
So, uh...
But these Mall of America cops, they're, like, top shelf.
Of those shitty mall cops, they're the best of the best.
They have their own jail and stuff.
So I had to talk my way out of it with the mall cop
and with the fucking state trooper.
And so Rick Brunson-- he got on the phone.
He lives in Edmonton.
The guy who owned the comedy club got on the phone with me.
He goes, "Don't smile. I'm gonna talk to you.
"Don't smile, 'cause they're looking at you, so...
"No matter what I say. Act like I'm yelling, I guess.
I don't know."
He goes, "First of all, I don't give a shit.
"Like, I know this is an early booking for you,
"but we'll have you back-- don't worry about it.
"But I can talk you out of trouble with the mall cops.
"They wanted to ban you from the mall forever,
but that's not gonna happen."
He goes, "Did you hide acid at an H&M?"
And I was like, "No."
[laughter]
"Is that what people are saying?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
I'm like, "No. I mean, yeah, keep saying that.
"That sounds way cooler, but, no.
I hid marijuana at a J. Crew."
And... and he goes, "What is it?"
I'm like, "It's marijuana breath strips."
He goes, "They make your breath smell good?"
I'm like, "No, they do not.
They make your breath smell awful."
And he goes, "Well, listen,
"okay, you're for sure going to jail.
"I can get you out of trouble with the mall cop,
"but the Minneapolis trooper-- like, you're going to jail.
"But I need you to do me a favor, man.
"Next time you come,
I was like, "All right, fine."
And so I got back.
They start calling,
like, anyone else in town that could headline the show,
'cause I'm not gonna be able to, you know?
Right then, some fan, by the way, came over.
A lot of times my fans give me, like, weed on the road,
which is pretty cool.
And some lady, she, like-- into her purse.
She's like, "Ari, can I talk to you?"
'Cause the cops are behind me by, like, five feet.
And I was just like, "No, no, don't."
Like, I'm like... you know?
It's that thing when you open up the door and a cop's there.
Like, "Everything all right?"
Like, "Yeah, everything's fine," you know?
But I had to say it without saying it, you know?
And so I was like, "No, no."
But then it was just Swedish Fish, so...
So, anyway, so this Minneapolis trooper,
he's like, "Explain to me what happened here,"
and I was like, "I-I hide...you know...
"marijuana across the country...
"in, like, different areas to give people the experience
of what it's like to live in California."
And he was like, "You sell this stuff?"
I'm like, "No, I don't sell it. I just give it away.
I'm like Johnny Appleseed, I guess."
[laughs] Like--like--Johnny Appleweed!
Fuck!
[audience groaning]
For sure that's what I should have said!
[cheers and applause]
And I'm like, "First of all,
how did you find out that I did that?"
And he goes, "Here's your Twitter feed, man.
"It's just a list of clues.
"It's just you going, 'Here are the drugs I'm about to hide.'
"And then the next one's like,
"'Here's where I'm hiding the drugs.'
"And then fucking 17 clues
on how to find the place where you hid the drugs.
He's like, "I'm not gonna get my fucking detective badge
for this."
And I guess what happened was
the first guy to follow the clue went in there,
found it, went right to the underwear aisle,
was like, "Oh, here it is," was like, "Yeah!"
And then he left, and then somebody else
was following the clues, like, two minutes behind,
and they went in there, and they're like,
"Oh, nothing's there," and they go,
"It must be here somewhere," and they just start fucking...
throwing shit around in the underwear aisle
of the J. Crew until they got kicked out.
And then five minutes later, somebody else would come in
and just start fucking throwing--
Like, "Where the fuck are these drugs?"
It happened, like, eight or nine times to them,
and they're like, "Are we in the worst terrorist attack
of all time?"
So then somebody called one of the employees
and was like, "Hey, I saw there's some drugs
being hid under your thing," and they found me.
It was super easy to find me, and so...
this cop was like, "All right, so explain to me what it is.
It's marijuana inside a breath strip?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
He asked me the same--"Does it make your breath smell?"
"No, it's terrible."
And I think he thought
I was just, like, a good person, I guess.
[sighs] And I didn't have any ill intention.
I wasn't selling it. I wasn't trying to make a profit.
I was just giving it to people-- Johnny Appleweed.
[laughter]
And he goes, "So explain this to me,
"was it a real breath strip,
or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
And I was like, "It was a marijuana breath strip."
And he goes, "No, no, no, was it a real breath strip,
or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
And I was like, "You no, no, no.
"You didn't hear what I just said?
"I just told you the fucking answer, idiot.
"You fucking hard of hearing?
It was a marijuana breath strip."
And he goes, "No, idiot, listen to what I'm saying to you
"out loud where people can hear me.
"Was it a real breath strip,
or was it a marijuana breath strip?"
And I was like, "Oh, ho, ho, ho, all right.
"Oh, man, I misunderstood the question completely
"the last two times.
"I did not get that at all.
"Now that I hear it completely,
"I'd like to strike from the record my other two answers,
"'cause those were completely wrong.
"Uh, that was a real breath strip.
I hid a real breath strip in the J. Crew underwear aisle."
And he goes, "Well, then that's just mischief,
"so I don't see a crime here.
Go apologize to the manager of the J. Crew."
And he let me off,
and that is when I figured out what white privilege is.
[laughter, cheers, and applause]