"Ahhh,
it's pouring down with rain!"
I screamed while rushing through the doors of the art gallery.
As I was closing my umbrella,
I looked up and realized
that there was hardly any space to move!
The place is super packed.
Everyone who is anyone in the art scene is here tonight.
They all looked so cool and trendy...
and me?
Well,
suddenly I felt uncomfortable
and out of place.
I spotted Sam
all the way at the end of the room surrounded by journalists,
"Sam! Sam!
How does it feel to have such a successful much-anticipated exhibition
following in the footsteps of your famous mother and brother?!"
They screamed at him.
He's really busy being interviewed,
so I waved at him
and he smiled back before giving them his humble answer.
"A family of artists,
how cool is that, right?"
I wonder if I could ever attract such a cool crowd
if I had an exhibition, I thought to myself.
An exhibition of what?!
As if YOU could create anything as cool as this.
And here it is again,
this all too familiar feeling of not being good enough
begins to creep up on me.
"Hey, Daena"
comes a friendly voice with a pat on the back.
"Good to see you.
Pretty awesome party, right?
You know,
he's already sold a few paintings
and it's only two hours into the night,
can you believe it?!"
says James over the loud music.
"That’s great.
He’s super gifted as a painter."
I replied,
trying to sound genuine
and not one bit jealous.
A few of the old college gang gathered around,
all with drinks in hand to catch up.
I drifted in and out of the conversations,
but pretty much everyone was where they wanted to be.
A few were talking about getting married
or having babies,
Sue was traveling to Berlin to run her first marathon,
Toby
- who isn’t even here -
but we’re all talking about him because he’s an up and coming music producer
who was even two years below all of us at school.
“What about you Daena,
still drawing?”
Sue turns to ask me.
Oh no!
This was the question I had been dreading...
“Still drawing.”...
I manage.
“So first marathon huh,
that’s awesome.
How long have you been training?”
I quickly steer the conversation and spotlight away from me.
These guys probably think I’m such a joke
and feel sorry for me,
the struggling freelance artist.
I manage to plaster a smile on my face
and make it through the rest of the party.
But later that night,
I went home and hit an all-time low.
I couldn’t sleep,
I just laid there in bed,
just staring up at the ceiling
thinking about how everyone I went to college with has made something of themselves.
Many of them have become successful at work
in the short couple years since we graduated college.
Some have pursued hobbies and interests
and achieved amazing personal goals,
like Sue and her marathon.
A few of them are happily married with kids or expecting kids.
Everyone seems to be moving forward
really fast.
Yet, here I am.
Still in the same place,
in my safe zone.
What have I done with my life?
I’ll never catch up to them
or be like them,
they can do it,
but I just don’t think I can.
Unable to sleep,
I decided to look for a distraction,
so I grabbed my phone and opened Instagram.
That was a bad idea!
As if I wasn’t sad and feeling like a failure enough,
I come across a post of another college friend
who had just won some prestigious award with his work.
This guy immediately got a job after graduation
and became an Art Director for one of the top publishing companies in the industry!
That’s like a dream come true.
I see him posting pictures about his work sometimes,
he gets to travel to super cool cities,
and now suddenly overnight,
he's an influencer.
He’s so passionate about what he does,
its no wonder he landed that role
and is kicking-ass creating magazine covers.
I felt so jealous.
How could they do all of that
and I
have achieved nothing?
Over the next few months,
I had some really tough days.
I would look through all my old pieces
and tried to figure out how I could improve.
But I felt like no matter how fast I am,
how much I would improve,
I would always be so far behind them.
I spent so much time thinking about myself in such a negative way,
like I’ll never be as good as my friends
and my talent and skills
are not going anywhere.
I felt completely lost,
my self-esteem had taken a beating,
my creativity was nonexistent
and I had lost all the motivation I used to have to improve.
It got so bad
that I started to turn down my friend’s invitations to meet up because
I was so ashamed of myself.
Then one day,
my boyfriend came over to find me in bed mid-afternoon
in a really messy apartment.
He knew what I was going through.
“Ok, enough of this pity party!”
he demanded.
“You’re a great artist,
so much better than you give yourself credit for.
Stop trying to be like everyone else and focus on living your life.
And start by taking better care of yourself,
this place is a dump!”
He pulled out his phone from his bag
and threw it over to my bed
“Look,
so many people have been in your situation.”
A Tumblr post was on his screen.
I read it in bed while he began cleaning up my apartment around me,
and I’ll never forget a sentence
that felt like it jumped out and danced right in front of me.
The sentence that will forever be my mantra.
It read:
"You cannot keep following the path of others so much
that you forget to create your own.”
Those words really hit me.
It’s so true,
I kept trying to follow the path of those who are higher than me.
I wanted to be on that pedestal with them,
shine like them,
be like them.
I was trying to follow THEIR dream
instead of focusing on my own.
Gosh,
I was completely blinded by the negativity in my head,
the cloud of low self-esteem
and feeling of not being good enough.
I put myself down so much,
telling myself that I would never make it to the top like them
without realizing that
I need to be myself to get there,
not try to be someone else.
So after I read that blog,
I instantly decided to pull myself together,
it was like a light had been turned on inside me.
I had wasted so much time trying to be like others
instead of carving my own path
and realizing my strengths.
I’m proud to say that later that year,
I became better and better.
I was more positive and less critical of myself,
my creativity started flowing again
and I had the time to improve my drawings and design.
Heck,
I even joined a booth for an anime convention.
I'm glad that I was surrounded by loving, inspiring people like my friends and family
and of course,
my boyfriend,
who supported me every step of the way.
What I learned along the way
is that your competition is not with other people
but with yourself
and what is going on in your own mind.
Impossible is just a mindset
that only you have the ability to overcome.
Other people should inspire you to be better
but ultimately,
it’s not a race to the top.
So don’t compare yourself to others,
commit to yourself
and you will be happy in your own unique path.
I still follow those people I look up to
and know that someday,
I will be with them,
but I’ll get there at my own pace.
If you have a goal in life,
just walk at your own pace.
You will get there someday,
it may not be today or tomorrow
or the next day,
but you will get there eventually.
Just take baby steps, and keep creating.
Keep drawing.
Keep writing.
Keep reading.
Keep learning.
And who knows,
maybe one day in the not-too-distant future at an exhibition somewhere,
people will gather around to talk about what a big shot YOU have become!