(light music)
- Alf went all out to surprise Kate
and Willy for their anniversary!
He baked a toothpaste cake and made Playdoh pate.
Unfortunately, they can't eat his poison
because they have tickets to a show.
No problem, Alf can party with Lynn and Brian.
Except Brian has a sleepover.
And if Lynn doesn't have to babysit him,
she's wants to go blast farts with her bestie.
Leaving Alf trapped alone in the house,
unable to leave at the risk of being tortured
by the government if anyone finds out he exists.
Alf consumes his diarrhea buffet,
tries to eat the family cat,
then turns on a radio advice show.
He hears a friendly voice named Jody telling
the Doc why she's lonely.
- Los Angeles seems so overwhelming.
Moving here was like moving to a different planet.
- Alf feels that.
- People react funny when they find out I'm not like them.
- Alf feels that, too!
Dr. Laura says Jody needs to put herself out there
and eventually she'll find a friend.
Alf calls in, wanting to talk
to that emotionally unstable caller.
They say they can't give out Jody's info,
because creepy dudes make these requests every day,
so Alf asks if they can give her his number.
And tell Jody she found a friend.
The phone rings instantly,
Jody is super horny for friendship.
Alf and Jody begin talking multiple times a day,
and the family is concerned.
Alf goes to talk to Jody privately,
presumably about fucking,
and Kate wonders where this relationship is going.
Damn, Kate.
What's with all the labels,
just let this alien do phone sex in your kitchen.
Alf says he's in love!
They have so much in common.
They both love cats!
Except Alf loves to eat pussy,
which explains why Jody is so interested
in what he has to say.
Alf has a date with her tomorrow!
The fam says he can't go.
Because if anyone sees him, including Jody,
he's going to be the one getting his guts stuffed.
With Uncle Sam's scalpel.
Alf says that won't be an issue because
- Jody's blind!
(laughing)
- Blind? - Blind.
- Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder did I stutter blind.
Kate says Alf can't go out with Jody.
But has no good rebuttal when he accuses her
of discriminating against the visually impaired.
They want to know what will happen
when she starts asking questions.
Alf says he already told her everything!
Everything meaning a bunch of lies about
how he's from Cincinnati and has two kids
after a brief marriage to a woman named Cathy.
The fam says it's too dangerous.
Alf is sad he can't have friends.
They say they'll be his friends!
Alf clarifies he means NFF, non-family friends,
AKA friends who might maybe, one day,
touch your alien boner
then he sulks his furry ass to bed.
Alf is at rock bottom talking to a sock.
Losing his damn mind at the idea of a life with nobody
to fondle his extra terrest-ricles.
Lynn puts herself in Alf's shoes.
Stuck in the house with her family forever?
Every teen's nightmare.
She vows to bust him out
so he can bust a nut.
Lynn waits for her parents to leave
and hides Alf in the same disguise the Ninja Turtles
used when they want to see a movie.
She says she'll be back at nine p.m.
and whatever happens, do not let this blind chick
know you're an alien.
Alf gives Jody the compliment every blind person
wants to hear.
- Nice place you have here,
in case you were wondering.
- Things are off to a slow start,
but I guess it's always a little awkward
when you meet up with someone from the radio
who can't see shit and you're from outer space.
Jody apologizes for the cat hair on the furniture
and says he'll probably be covered in it
by the time he leaves.
Jody offers Alf some shrimp appetizers
and he wolfs them down without sharing.
This could be the end of the date, but instead prompts
a vulnerable lightning round convo about their insecurities:
they talk about how loneliness, depression,
and anxiety impact their eating habits.
Then move on to bigger potential deal breakers
like Alf is short and Jody reads with her thumbs.
The date is going great,
until Jody hears Lynn whisper calling Alf.
Jody suspects it's his whore ex-wife, Cathy.
Alf tries to explain that it's just the teenage girl
he lives with, which is not an explanation
that puts Jody's mind at ease.
Alf says he wishes he could tell her the truth,
but he can't.
He just wants Jody to know he cares about her.
She cares about him!
Alf wants her to take a chance.
She says...
yes!
Because the dating scene in LA is really this bad.
Alf whispers something mysterious we don't get to hear.
Wait, did Lost In Translation rip off Alf?
Jody says Alf's whisper sounds good,
shakes his hand goodbye,
and becomes urgently concerned
about her cat hair situation.
Lynn says she's glad it's all over.
Alf says it's not over because we do see Jody again
because she's coming over for dinner Saturday night.
So what did we learn today?
Blind women are horny as hell
and will meet up with short hairy dudes
they met over the radio
to feed them plates of shrimp.
And being an alien is lonely.
But if you have to spend the rest of your life
in the valley with these goobers,
it's enough to drive you coo-coo.
And men ain't shit.
If they say they want friendship,
they probably want sex.
And they'll say anything to maybe get that sex
including making up a fake ex-wife from Cincinnati.
But fellas, be careful with your lies,
because they might jeopardize your chances with the horny
blind lady when she thinks Cathy's at the door thanks
to her heightened sense of hearing.
And Lost In Translation ripped off season one of Alf.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.