Alright, when I was a kid, riding bikes was a big deal
Everybody in the neighbourhood had a bike
Now me personally, I had a mountain bike
But not just any mountain bike, it was a big-ass mountain bike!
Shit looked like it was made for 6'5 lumberjack
Mind the size of the kickstand
I had to use a trampoline just to get on the damn thing
Now, most of my friends had bmx bikes
They all thought they were pretty sweet because their bikes had pegs on them
"David, your ass can't even bunny hop, who do you think you are, Matt Hoffman?"
"Is your ass gonna grind down some handrails or something?"
Then we had my friend Michael, who had the shittiest bike I've ever seen in my life
He was over there rolling around on a bike from 1920
*squeaking sound as Michael rides*
"Who wants to get their ass beat in a race?"
"Michael, nobody's gonna race you with your stupid ass Charlie Chaplin bike"
Now, the four of us would ride around our neighbourhoor pretty much all summer long
To us we were like a shitty little biker gang
"Hey, we're like a bunch of bikers"
"How about you guys call me Tomahawk?"
"Michael, I'd rather shit broken glass than call you Tomahawk, do you know that?"
"Well, shouldn't we have like a name or something for our bike gang?"
"Yeah, let's be called something tough, like a... Like the Scorpions"
"How about the Panda Bears?"
"Yeah, Michael, let's be the Panda Bearz!"
"We get some leather jackets made and everything"
"Sounds real intimidating, doesn't it?"
"Hey, what are you, guys, the Hell's Angels? That sounds pretty gay! We're the Panda Bearz!"
We'd be riding around the neighbourhood
We got our fake tattoos and our candy cigarettes
David was also wearing some broken sunglasses he found on the street
We'd see who can make the longest skidmark in Michael's driveway
There'd be dozens of black marks all over the place
Michael's stepdad would come out: "What the hell are you guys doing on the driveway?"
"God damn it, Michael, you're getting 10 across the ass!"
We'd have all the chicks in our neighbourhood checking out our sweet bikes
"Yeah, there's 21 gears on this bad boy and I have no idea how they work"
"Yeah, I'm practically in the X Games, what time I grinded on the Great Wall of China"
"Last summer my stepdad found this bike in a river"
We'd set up a little ramp on the street
So we could soar a whole 3 feet into the sky
Michael would try to go off the ramp with his shitty little bike
The goddamd thing would explode on impact
Like a whole summer Michael didn't have a bike
So he had to ride on David's pegs
Well, riding on pegs is like sitting on the bitch seat in the biker world
Nobody wants to do that
"Alright, we're going to the park, get on the pegs Michael, you're riding bitch"
"I don't want to ride bitch!"
"Get on the goddamn pegs, Michael, you ride bitch and you will like it!"
After a while he started using his sister's pink Barbie bike
They had like one training wheel on it and shit
We didn't want to be seen in public with him So we'd like ride like an extra 50 feet ahead of him
Just pretending we didn't know who the hell he was
"Hey, guys, wait for me!"
"Uh, why is that retarded kid on that Barbie bike following us?"
"I have no idea"
Now, one particular day we were out won the street and we were racing each other
One of our friends Tommy shows up on his bike
And he's with this kid Jonathan
Now, we didn't like Jonathan that much
Because.. Well, because he's an asshole
There's no other way to put it, he was just kind of a dick
And Tommy just hung out with him because he had a Sony Playstation, which makes sense to us
"What are you guys doing, are you guys like a bike gang or something?"
"Yeah, we're the Panda Bearz!"
"Wow, that sounds pretty gay, we're the Scorpions"
"God damn it, Michael, I told you, the Scorpions was a better name"
"So you guys like wanna race or something?"
"Alright, we'll do a 1v1 race, down to the end of the steet and back!"
"Who's gonna go first on your team?"
"Wait a minute, Michael, what the hell are you doing on their side?!"
"My name's not Michael, it's Tomahawk!"
"God damn it, Michael, get over here on our side!"
"Nah, I'm changing teams, Jonathan said I can play his Playstation"
"Ah you're such a hooker, Michael, God damn it!"
"Alright, somebody help me on my bike!"
"Michael, I am kicking your ass"
"Get on your stupid Barbie Dream House bike, let's race!"
"Thank you for joining us at 13 O'clock News!"
"This is just in, there's a drag race happening on Burton Avenue!"
"We have Dan Peterson at the scene, Dan, what do you have for us?"
"Well, Tom it looks like it's the Pandaz versus the Scorpions"
"It's like some kind of a shitty westside story out here"
"That sounds astounding, Dan, can you tell me who the competitors are?"
"Well, Tom, it looks like a toddler on a giant bicycle versus a transvestite on a barbie bike"
So we start racing and we're flying down the street
I'm changing gears all willy-nilly
Michael's pedalling that little Barbie bike like he just robbed a liquor store
But the thing is that this little girl bike was never meant to go over 9 miles an hour
Michael's flying down the road
Well, imagine his surprise when the chain pops
And he goes soaring through the air, cracks his face on the pavement
So I see this happen and I do what anybody would do
I keep on fucking going, we're in the middle of a goddamn race!
Michael's ass could've been shot by a rifle and I wouldn't even have stopped for a second
He's on the ground, there's blood all over the place, he's crying
*crying baby sound*
I get back to everybody else and I'm like: "Yeah, you guys can suck it!"
"This is Panda property! Bamboo boyz for life!"
"Uhhh, where's Michael at?"
"That is a good question, isn't it, Jonathan?"
"Where is little Tomahawk after all?"
"I'll tell you where he is at"
"He's limping his jacked up Barbie bike back home, that's where he's at!"
He still got tears in his eyes, his face is all bloody and shit
"God damn it, Michael, what did you do to your sister's bike?"
"Now you're getting 20 across the ass!"
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