All right, well, uh, let's get back to real life
or whatever we're calling this thing now.
Donald Trump will be the next president of the United States,
and it's a confusing time.
But luckily we've got news experts.
Trump won. So what now?
We have no idea what Trump is gonna do.
We may not know who we're getting.
There is a great unknown about what Donald Trump is gonna do.
REPORTER:
what Donald Trump's gonna do.
That's true. Nobody on the plant knows
what Donald Trump's going to do, including Donald Trump.
He's making it up as he goes along.
His presidency is basically gonna be
a high-stakes improv scene.
"All right, folks, I need a character
"and a location and something much better than Obamacare.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you."
I'm not surprised that people are terrified at the prospect
of a Trump presidency. I mean, you've probably heard
of many Americans saying they want to move to Canada.
Yeah, which is slightly presumptuous, in my opinion.
You know? Like Canada is just gonna wave you in.
You realize that Canada has a very strict immigration policy.
To be eligible, you have to name at least six cities in Canada,
which is actually pretty easy. I mean, it's...
There's Vancouver, there's Montreal, uh, Quebec,
uh, Toronto...
um...
Nickelback, Celine Dion. Cool. So anyway...
since Trump's victory...
You realize I've been asked that question by many people.
A man in the audience asked me that today,
whether or not I am going to run away back to South Africa.
Which I find slightly ironic, you know?
Before Trump, there were people who hated me who were saying,
"Go back to Africa!"
Now it's people who like me saying,
"You should go back to Africa, man.
You should really go back to Africa."
But-but here's the thing, here's the thing,
running to Africa won't necessarily shield me
from Trumpness. Because, remember,
when I first started hosting
I said Donald Trump reminds me of an African dictator.
And we have the evidence to back it up.
I make a tremendous amount of money.
People love me. Everybody loves me.
God helped me by giving me a certain brain.
We will have so much winning if I get elected
that you may get bored with winning!
Yeah. Remember that? Remember that, right?
And-and that's what I said. He reminds me of an Af...
Although, I-I will admit, now I feel like I owe
African dictators an apology, uh, you know?
They were probably watching this election like,
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
"I might kill people,
"but to grab someone by the pussy,
"no, no, no, no, no. No.
"No, no, no, no.
"I have decorum.
"I have decorum, huh?
"What kind of a man grabs it?
"You touch it, maybe you rub it, huh?
"Why are you grabbing it?
"Maybe your hands are small.
That's why you have to grab, huh? No, no, no, no, no."
Now, the thought, the thought of Donald Trump as a dictator
was funnier when him in power was hypothetical.
But then America decided to shake things up.
And now it seems like the best place for you to find
the answers about a possible future lie in the third world.
Which I know can be hard for a lot people,
because you usually look to the third world
only when you want to guilt trip your kids
when they hate their Christmas presents, you know?
"Well, I'm sure some kids in Africa
"would love to get this educational computer game,
Timmy."
And don't get me wrong, I-I know that hearing
about foreign politics can sometimes be drier
than Marco Rubio's tongue. But-but bear with me here.
Bear with me here. Looking at leaders like him
may be the only way to figure out Donald Trump.
And I'm thinking specifically of my home country,
South Africa, also known as the one African country
you can easily find on the map, right? Yeah.
It's just like, "Africa. Uh, there. Cool."
Up until a few years ago, our economy was humming,
tourism was thriving, and we, too, were celebrating
our first black president.
You remember that feeling? Yeah, yeah?
You know that feeling? Basically, times were good.
REPORTER:
walked out of Victor Verster Prison today.
(singing)
SEPP BLATTER:
FIFA World Cup
will be organized in South Africa.
(cheering and applause)
MAN:
MAN 2:
♪ Of life... ♪
Oh, man, so many good memories.
I was in the crowd when the Simba thing was happening.
-(laughter) -That was...
Yeah, we had to stop doing that
'cause the next year, he dropped the cub.
-It was weird. Anyway... -(laughter)
The point is, things were looking up for us as a nation.
But unfortunately, in the last few years,
things have taken a turn for the worse.
The economy has stalled.
Unemployment is at record highs.
Government corruption is rampant.
And it wasn't just Oscar Pistorius who disappointed us.
Just last year, Simba was arrested for securities fraud.
(laughter)
Yes, so why did this all happen?
Well, I'll tell you why.
Because South African voters decided to shake things up.
And, so, we elected a man by the name of Jacob Zuma,
a charismatic, anti-establishment president.
And I know you can't relate, but bear with me.
Bear with me.
You see, the inept, self-serving way
that Zuma has run his administration
has turned South Africa from a rising power
to a very troubled state.
And the reason I'm telling you this is that
because when you look at Zuma and Trump,
it seems like they're brothers from another mother.
In South Africa, that country's high court says
the nation's president, Jacob Zuma,
should face more than 700 corruption and fraud charges.
Donald Trump has over 400 lawsuits against him right now.
WOMAN:
as the man of the people.
Donald Trump is a man of the people.
MAN:
in rural areas and townships.
His supporters are
overwhelmingly rural area voters.
MAN:
He has a rape status conference with a judge coming up.
MAN:
I've said it time and time again. He is the Teflon Don.
Yup. Just like my president,
Donald Trump appears to be Teflon.
Literally, Teflon, though.
I think that's what he's spraying on his face.
-(laughter) -That's why it looks so strange.
And now, look,
all of these similarities are amusing on the surface.
What's more important is understanding
what a leader like this could mean for America.
For instance, let's... let's just look
at what Donald Trump said just this week.
MAN:
in a blind trust to be run by his children,
but the legal experts say the definition of a blind trust
is that it's run by people not in contact with the owner.
Yeah, it's a bit weird that we have to say this,
but, Donald, the point of a
that you can't see where your money is.
It reassures the country
that their president isn't making decisions
for his own financial gain.
If your kids, who you talk to every day,
are running the trust, then it's not blind.
You see, it's the difference between Ray Charles
and Jamie Foxx
-(laughter) -Right?
-(applause) -One of them is blind.
And one of them is faking it, and getting rich in the process.
(laughter)
We saw the same thing in South Africa.
Jacob Zuma started off like this.
He was like, "Oh, my kids are gonna run businesses."
And they do. They also run businesses.
And then, those businesses have won billions
in inflated government contracts
which has cost the taxpayer millions
and billions of dollars, and they screwed the economy.
So what's another one of Donald Trump's signature moves?
If I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general
to get a special prosecutor
to look into your situation.
It's just awfully good
that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump
is not in charge of the law in our country.
Yeah, because you'd be in jail.
Oh!
-(sniffles loudly) -(laughter)
I wonder if... (laughs)
We're probably gonna have to cut this, but I'm like,
-can his dealer get to The White House? Whatever. -(laughter)
So Trump using prosecution to intimidate his opponents--
it might seem like a novel thing in the U.S.,
but just like soccer, you might want to get used to it.
You see, it's called "state capture."
Hijacking state resources for your personal benefit.
And by the way, the term "state capture"--
we didn't know that term in South Africa until this year.
Now we just use it in common.
Like, everyone's just like, "Ah, state capture."
"Yeah, state capture, state capture."
It's become a normal thing because in South Africa,
it's a tactic that Zuma has exploited again and again.
For instance, this year,
when the finance minister of South Africa
called out our president for illegal business dealings,
Zuma ordered our FBI
to prosecute the finance minister on dubious charges.
Oh, and just in case you're wondering,
we don't call them the "FBI."
Our agency is called the Hawks, right?
And before that, we called them the Scorpions.
And, yes, I know
our law enforcement agencies sound like gangs
in a bootleg
-(laughter) -It makes us feel at home, you know?
It's not only great
for intimidating your rivals, as well.
It's also good because it distracts the people
from the problems you're having.
And now, I'm not saying that Donald Trump will do that.
But if he does, you guys owe me 20, all right?
For everything that you look at,
Zuma and Trump even feel the same way about the media.
And the media are among the most dishonest people
-anywhere at any time. -(crowd clamoring)
But they can't stop us.
They write lies, they write false stories.
They know they're false, it makes no difference.
The election is being rigged
by corrupt media pushing completely false allegations
and outright lies.
It's exactly the same.
It's almost like when they leave the house, Melania is like,
"Okay, Donald, I do Michelle's ones,
you take the African guy's lines, okay?"
(laughter)
You see, when you're the head of government
and you're trying to get away with (bleep),
a free press is not your friend.
It's the reason that President Zuma has been trying for years
to get the legal power to censor South African press,
or as Donald Trump would so eloquently say...
We're gonna open up those libel laws,
so that when
writes a hit piece which is a total disgrace,
we can sue them and win money.
So we're gonna open up those libel laws, folks,
and we're gonna have people sue you
-like you never got sued before. -(cheering)
Yeah! I love the crowd cheering like they're getting the money.
We're all getting the money! Yeah!
Now, now, again, I'm not saying that Trump's
definitely gonna do that.
But if it's true, I'm not gonna be able
to say that later on.
So I may as well say it now.
Now, luckily, Zuma hasn't been able
to muzzle the press in South Africa, right?
Because he doesn't have control of South Africa's court system.
That is a big hindrance to him.
But a hindrance that El Trumpo may not have to face.
-He's gonna be filling the lower courts. -Mm-hmm.
There are dozens of district court vacancies,
federal court of appeals vacancies,
and these are the courts that actually decide
the vast majority of litigation in the United States.
...at least one Supreme Court justice,
maybe as many as four.
NEWSMAN:
for a generation.
Now, look...
there are many differences and many similarities,
and I'm not saying it's going to be the same here
as it is in a Third World country,.
Of course not.
I'm saying it could be much worse.