Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘You’re so bad.’
If you’re making a generic 1980s action movie, you may as well give it a generic title.
Action USA opens with a supercool car,
although someone seems to have parked a steam train in it.
Billy Ray and Carmen arrive home with one thing on their minds.
‘Wait a minute.’
Not sure the door would have been my first thought but safety first.
'Who the hell are these guys.'
Thank God he checked the lock.
These bad guys take out Carmen,
'Shut up.'
and hang Billy Ray from a helicopter,
with only that extremely obvious harness stopping him from falling.
Billy Ray escapes…
'Arrrrrrrghhhhhhh!'
#THUD#
'Oh no I let him drop.'
and it turns out the bad guys didn’t really plan ahead.
‘We’re out of gas.’
Carmen picks up Billy Ray.
'I want to help you.'
‘I don’t need any help God Dammit.’
It was all going really well.
Although I think he might have had a blow to the head.
‘I jumped into the cold, cold world, into snow and ice.’
Now we’re into a car chase.
This is why you wear a seatbelt and – you know – don’t open the door.
The bad guys catch them.
'Eat Lead!'
'Mutha Fu....'
Something of a relief cos I was not buying him as the lead.
Carmen runs and…
'Get off me.'
‘Relax, I’m with the FBI.’
Here’s the lead and you can immediately tell.
A good guy hits a woman with an open palm,
'I bury people.'
see, bad guy.
‘I’m Clay Osbourne.’
Of course you are, and I bet you have a black sidekick.
‘Call me Panama.’
Outstanding. Carmen mourns her dead boyfriend.
‘He was weird. He was crazy, like he was making things up as he went along.’
That explains his escape plan.
'Hang on baby we are going airborne.'
And we learn that he stole diamonds from William Shatner’s mobster body double.
‘Ahh! Ahh!’
Carmen is their only link to the diamonds so Clay and Panama take her into witness protection.
‘I kinda feel sorry for her.’
You should, the two of you are terrible at this.
‘Hang tight okay, I’ll be right back.’
You’ll be alright on your own won’t you.
At first, Carmen doesn’t take it seriously.
‘Get away from that window Miss’
‘Why what are you worried about?’
What was he waiting for the curtain to open?
Let’s bear in mind they need her alive.
‘Bunch of fucking amateurs.’
Not sure anyone in this film should be bragging, but he calls in a pro.
‘Mr Drago, I;m Lucky, this here is Hitch.’
I know they’re not, but it sort of feels like every 80s bad guy is called Drago,
and with him in charge this will be a more professional operation.
'Get the door for you Maam.'
They called in ‘Mr Drago’ for that?
Having secured Carmen they then stop to make a phone call, allowing Clay and Panama to catch up.
We outnumber them and we have a hostage – retreat!
Make no mistake, Drago’s only use is quotable dialogue.
‘Everyone’s a prisoner on this mud ball, only those poor dumb bastards don’t know it.’
Through a plot contrivance, they have to drive rather than fly back to headquarters,
and they find the diamonds on the way,
'Look at these rocks.'
Purely because they happen to pass where Billy Ray hid them.
‘Wait a minute I know that place.’
Drago captures Clay but…
Drago there they are, comeon.
'Look, he safe, as long as I've got you.'
What are you getting into the car for? They’re right there! And again you have a hostage!
One of the problems with this film is that the bad guys are as incompetent at kidnapping
as the good guys are at witness protection…
'Morning.'
and we’re into another well-thought out plan from Mr Drago.
Until…
‘Let’s get it over with.’
Could just trade the diamonds for the girl, which would let us know what you really care about,
rather than losing a fist fight with a pensioner.
'Oh you son of a bitch.'
Thank God she was there to save the trained agent.
‘I’m just trying to do my job.’
Is it my fault I suck at it?
It all seems to be over but there’s a twist
as Clay delivers the diamonds and discovers his boss is a bad guy who’s been working with Drago.
‘Drago knew where we were and where we were going all along, didn’t he.’
Then why has he been chasing you for the last 90 minutes?
‘What’s the point?’
Fortunately, Carmen is there again.
Did she just blow up Clay? Because if so, I’m suddenly onboard with this movie.
Sadly not. So let’s just reflect on how many innocent bystanders were killed by the FBI just to recover a handful of diamonds.
‘Guess that bag had a hole in it.’
Which they now steal.
What exactly is the difference between them and the bad guys?
Of course, the open palm slap.
But that’s it.
'Sorry about your house buddy.'
#KaBooooom#
Thanks for watching. To se more 80s action reviews click here.
The movie finishes with outtakes cos you don’t want to miss gold like this.
Let us know your favourite movie outtakes in the comments below.