Hello, my dear ones! There's a reason why I am not in the chapel or in the Church or outside
today or I'm not outside because it's still very windy and the microphone
would pick up all that noise but um I am here instead of the chapel or the Church because
before land and before we face the light of the resurrection at Pascha we go through
an annual general scrubbing of everything including ourselves we have to clean ourselves
cleanse ourselves and our buildings and the Church and the house and everything in order
to be as white and as clean as possible when we approach again the light of the resurrection
and um it felt appropriate also to be here today because one of you has written to ask me about
the proper reaction after immediately after falling into sin the question had to do with
a particular scene but it is applicable to everything and we all know because we are
all humans what sin is and we all know what that feeling of falling into a sin is particularly when
it is the same weakness the same passion we've given way to into our hearts not once
not ten times not a hundred times but for perhaps years if not decades of our lives
and there is an understandable desire need of the heart to somehow freeze itself
it's almost like the heart goes into a voluntary willing self-paralysis
for an hour or a day or a week before it has the courage to throw itself out again and re-approach
Christ in prayer and this is what the question was how long after I've committed a certain sin
how long should I wait before I turn back to Christ and I face him again in prayer
and everything I know from the Holy Fathers and everything I know from my own spiritual father
and everything I know from my own experience provides the same answer get back
to prayer as soon as possible get back to prayer as soon as you've woken up from that sin
as soon as that nightmare is over as soon even as you become aware that you are sleeping into
that nightmare I know people who wait for a day or a week before they gather the strength to
refocus their hearts on Christ and even then they do it with showiness and they do it with
not repentance that's not the proper word because if it had been done in repentance
it would be the proper way to do it they do it without without courage without
hope they do it without the strength of the belief of the faith the repentance is
immediately received that Christ is receiving our good intention and our repentance
not when we offer it but even before we offer it because Christ God knows even the intentions
of our heart before these intentions are being materialized are being turned into proper actions
I remember once my spiritual father telling me concerning a scene I was fighting myself
I was a teenager at the time or early in my 20s that I should go back to pray
I should fall down on my knees this was his expression fall down on your knees get back
on your knees immediately after you've fallen not after an hour not after a day not after a week
but immediately after and I'll tell you something that my heart has taught me since then which is
to do things even sooner even earlier than after the consummation of that particular passion of sin
start praying as you fall start praying as you commit whatever sin it is that you are committing
in the midst of that weakness in the midst of that sin of that passion of yours as you are entrapped
in it as you are being fought by it and even defeated by it as you are in the hell of your sin
start praying and redirect your sight towards God look towards God from the depth of the scene
I was taught that I don't know how but my heart was taught that one year I remember in Moldavia
when we were celebrating the Holy Great Saturday just before Pascha just before Easter night
when we are reading those teachings from the Old Testament and the New Testament and the
Holy Fathers about Christ descend into hell to save all of those who are waiting for him
and I remember thinking well I am in my own hell I am in my own sin the hell of my sin
what am I waiting for earth I am in that hell I should look up and I should be waiting and hoping
and trusting with my my entire being that God's love for me is more powerful and overcoming the
hatred of the devil and the weakness of my own nature and my own will from the depth of your hell
my brother and my sister as you are trapped in that hell as you are trapped in that sin
even before you finished committing that sin whatever that sin may be refocus
your eyes on God turn yourself spiritually towards God put aside shame because shame is not
useful any more after you've opened your heart to sin shame is useful and it is brought to our minds
by our guardian angels in order to prevent us from opening our hearts to sin after those gates have
been opened and the battle has moved inside our hearts shame is no longer a useful tool
this is why the Fathers remind us that God sends us shame and remembrance of God's judgment
before we fall into sin and they bring back to our minds repentance and the love of God
after we've fallen into sin because God's purpose for us is to prevent us from falling into death
and after we have fallen into death to give us everything that we need in order to get ourselves
up and return back to life whereas the devil has the exact opposite purpose he brings back to our
minds the all-loving the all-powerful mercy of God before we fall into sin so that we can justify
our gradual slippery into that sin and once we've fallen he reminds us of the judgment
and the harshness of God's judgment so that once we've fallen we do not gather the strength and the
courage to get back through repentance and face God once again the purpose of God is to save us
the purpose of the evil one is to crush us to the ground and to keep us down you may say
but the Holy Fathers in their canons
give us punishments so to say they are rules and canons of repentance after each of our sins
and that is indeed true and all those scanners should to the best of our ability
be followed of course always being measured by your spiritual father against
your personal abilities but look at these canons what are they they are canons of prayer
they might keep you away from church they might keep you away from receiving communion for a while
but these are the things that you are not supposed to be doing
the things that you are required to do as part of the punishment which in fact is just treatment
healing for our weakness that to do things are all the things of repentance prayer and fasting
and vigil and prostrations and everything else that does what ultimately but feed our prayer
the canons of repentance of the saints after we've fallen in one sin or another are just
rules of prayer and they are there precisely in order to help us get back
to prayer because as we pray we get back into feeding our being from the source of life
from God himself and it's not only about how much we should pray it's also about
what kind of prayer we should use the quality of the prayer is of interest to the Holy Fathers as
much as the quantity of the prayer all the prayers that they ask us to do as a canon of repentance
are prayers of repentance all of them they are not prayers of of gratitude they are not prayers of
boasting in the gifts the holy spirit has bestowed upon us they are not prayers of
reminding ourselves of the many gifts of God they are all prayers of repentance
there are prayers of us falling down to the ground physically as well as spiritually before God
because repentance, metanoia, means to change to turn to turn oneself from the path that leads to
self-destruction and eternal death onto the path that leads to life
the life the divine life of God himself do not wait until your sin is consumed in order to get
back to prayer there's no need to wait there's no need for that period of throwing our hearts from
from the self-imposed frozenness and paralysis of our being I know we all develop all sorts of
rituals after we've fallen into sin some of us wait for a week others feel the need to I don't
know abstain from drinking for a month if drinking is the problem others need to ask for forgiveness
from the person that they've offended either by being angry towards them in a word indeed
or being envious or angry inside others feel they need to physically cleanse themselves by showering
or doing all sorts of other things if the if the sin is a physical bodily sin such as lost
my brother and my sister God created us in full knowledge of who we are God created us in
full knowledge and awareness of everything we shall be doing good or bad all the good
things the virtues in our lives have been known to him when he created us and all the ways in which
we fail him all the horrible ways in which we let go of him and we embrace sin were known to him
when he created us and he still created us out of love and he still put himself on that cross
for us out of love in order to save us and to make us one with him who is nothing but love my brother
and my sister God is never disgusted at us he is never ashamed of our fallenness no matter what
form that fallenness takes no matter how old we've grown in our sin from the depths of your sin
before it is finished and completed I'm not even going to mention waiting after that but as you
are in the middle in the midst of committing that sin send any trace of prayer towards God
send any trace of hope of repentance of desire for God desire to be washed away to be cleansed
to be welcomed back towards God and that good intention sent towards God will weigh heavier
than all the horrible deeds of our wickedness and our sinfulness because that is a trace a fragile
line uniting us with being itself with God the only one who is who he is and all the other heavy
ropes that that are surrounding us and toying us down are connecting us with nothingness
and nothingness does not stand a chance before him who is
God himself the source of all life being and love.
Be blessed, my brother and my sister, be blessed to the core of your being. Amen, amen, amen.