WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.
HOPE 2020 IS OFF TO A GREAT START TO YOU.
HAPPY TO BE BACK.
REALLY EXCITED TO BE HERE.
THERE RECENTLY HAVE BEEN MOMENTOUS WORLD-SHAKING EVENTS,
AND LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE BIG STORY EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT.
THE 77th ANNUAL GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS CEREMONY!
OH!
IT WAS A NIGHT OF GLITZ AND GLAMOUR, AND GOD HELP US, WE
MIGHT BE GOING TO WAR WITH IRAN.
ALL THE STARS WERE THERE AS WE INCH CLOSER TO YET ANOTHER
TRAGICALLY ILL-CONSIDERED MILITARY CONFLICT, INCLUDING
SALMA HAYEK, WHOSE GUCCI DRESS FEATURED A NECKLINE THAT DIDN'T
LEAVE MUCH TO THE IMAGINATION.
UNLESS YOU'RE IMAGINING AN ENDLESS QUAGMIRE IN THE MIDDLE
EAST.
BECAUSE THIS IS IT, FOLKS.
THIS IS WHAT'S BEEN KEEPING YOU UP AT NIGHT FOR THE LAST THREE
YEARS!
IT WASN'T THE BAGGY SUITS, IT WASN'T COVFEFE, IT WAS HIS
ABILITY TO WAGE WAR WITH NO UNDERSTANDING OF THE
CONSEQUENCES.
AND NO ONE CAN STOP HIM.
ALSO, CONGRATULATIONS TO AWKWAFINA FOR SNAGGING A GLOBE
FOR BEST ACTRESS!
WELL-DESERVED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, THE REASON THAT I'M A
LITTLE ON EDGE TONIGHT IS THAT ON THURSDAY, IN RESPONSE TO
IRANIAN-SPONSORED MILITIA ATTACKS ON THE U.S. EMBASSY IN
BAGHDAD, PRESIDENT TRUMP ORDERED A DRONE STRIKE, KILLING
THE TOP IRANIAN COMMANDER IN BAGHDAD, QASEM SOLEIMANI.
WHICH BRINGS US TO THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF OUR LONG-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "AMERICA AT WAAAAAAAHHHHHH?
CRISIS WITH IRAN IN IRAQ ABOUT IRAN."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, CARDS ON THE TABLE.
I DON'T KNOW IF WHAT TRUMP DID WAS A GOOD IDEA OR A BAD IDEA
BUT I DO KNOW THAT IT'S A BIG IDEA.
AND THAT IRAN IS VERY UPSET.
ON FRIDAY, THEIR SUPREME LEADER AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENEI WARNED
THAT A "HARSH RETALIATION IS WAITING."
KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS IRAN'S SUPREME LEADER, WHICH I'M PRETTY
SURE MEANS HE COMES WITH SOUR CREAM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: BUT -- MMM!
MMM.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: DELICIOUS!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP'S NOT BACKING DOWN,
TWEETING, "LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING THAT IF IRAN
STRIKES ANY AMERICANS, OR AMERICAN ASSETS, WE HAVE DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT TARGETED 52 IRANIAN
SITES, REPRESENTING THE 52 AMERICAN HOSTAGES TAKEN
BY IRAN MANY YEARS AGO."
HE'S STILL MAD ABOUT THE IRANIAN HOSTAGE CRISIS.
WHAT'S NEXT ON HIS 1980 AGENDA?
(AS TRUMP) "I'M ALSO TARGETING FOUR TOP
IRANIAN GENERALS-- ONE FOR EACH OF THE THREE MEN AND A BABY, SIX
DIFFERENT REGIONS: ONE FOR EACH SIDE OF THE RUBIK'S CUBE, AND I
HAVE CHANGED THE LAUNCH CODES TO:
♪ 876-5309 ♪ 867-5390.
I'M SORRY.
SIR, I INTERRUPTED YOU.
YOU WERE THREATENING TO BOMB IRAN 52 TIMES-- "SOME AT A VERY
HIGH LEVEL AND IMPORTANT TO IRAN AND THE IRANIAN CULTURE."
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL: BOMBING IRANIAN CULTURAL SITES COULD BE
A WAR CRIME.
(AS TRUMP) "WHAT DO YOU MEAN COULD BE A WAR
CRIME?
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?
KICK THE SPHINX?
URINATE ON THE TERRA COTTA SOLDIERS?
'CAUSE I'VE ALREADY DONE ONE OF THOSE THINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE OTHER ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I COULDN'T DO IT.
I COULDN'T DO IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BACK!
SO SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE HAD TO TRY TO CLEAN UP TRUMP'S
TWITTER MESS.
ENTER SECRETARY OF STATE AND VITAMIN-D DEFICIENT SHREK, MIKE
POMPEO.
POMPEO WENT ON "SUNDAY ON THE TUBE WITH GEORGE" AND EXPLAINED
THAT TRUMP HAD NOT TYPED WHAT HE TYPED:
>> SO, JUST TO BE CLEAR, WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID HE HAD 52
IRANIAN SITES, INCLUDING SITES IMPORTANT TO THE IRANIAN
CULTURE, THAT WASN'T ACCURATE?
>> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT EVERY TARGET THAT WE
STRIKE WILL BE A LAWFUL TARGET.
>> STEPHEN: SO EITHER ONE OF THEM IS LYING AND THEY BOTH
ARE.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABOUT
IT, TRUMP IMMEDIATELY SAID "THEY'RE ALLOWED TO KILL OUR
PEOPLE, THEY'RE ALLOWED TO TORTURE AND MAIM OUR PEOPLE
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO USE ROADSIDE BOMBS AND BLOW UP OUR PEOPLE,
AND WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH THEIR CULTURAL SITES?
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY."
THAT'S A REALLY STRANGE USE OF THE WORD "ALLOWED."
( LAUGHTER ) "YOUR HONOR, TED BUNDY WAS
ALLOWED TO MURDER OVER 30 PEOPLE IN THE 1970S.
I CAN'T STAB ONE GUY?
DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOESN'T-WORK-THAT -- ♪ 867-5309 ♪
NORMALLY, WHEN A PRESIDENT TAKES AN ACTION THIS BIG, HE PREEMPTS
OUR STORIES AND ADDRESSES THE NATION TO REASSURE US.
TRUMP DIDN'T DO THAT.
INSTEAD, HE TWEETED THIS LOW-RES IMAGE OF AN AMERICAN FLAG.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY -- THESE COLORS DON'T RUN.
BUT THEY DO KIND OF BLUR.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, PRESIDENTS USUALLY INFORM
SOMETHING CALLED THE "GANG OF EIGHT," WHICH IS THE TOP
DEMOCRAT AND REPUBLICAN OF THE HOUSE AND SENATE AS WELL AS THE
CHAIRS AND RANKING MEMBERS OF EACH CHAMBER'S INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE, BUT TOP DEMOCRATIC LEADERS IN CONGRESS RECEIVED
NO ADVANCE NOTIFICATION OF THE STRIKE.
YEAH, THEY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T STAYING AT
A TRUMP HOTEL.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, DAYS BEFORE THE
STRIKE, TRUMP ROAMED THE HALLS OF MAR-A-LAGO, TELLING FRIENDS
THAT HE WAS WORKING ON A "BIG" RESPONSE TO THE IRANIAN REGIME
THAT THEY WOULD BE HEARING ABOUT VERY "SOON."
CAN YOU IMAGINE CHECKING INTO THAT HOTEL?
"OKAY, THE POOL IS TO THE LEFT, THERE'S A FITNESS CENTER ON
SEVEN, AND IF YOU MAKE YOUR WAY INTO THE COURTYARD, THERE'S AN
OLD MAN GIVING AWAY STATE SECRETS.
( LAUGHTER ) TIP HIM.
YOU WANT TO TIP HIM.
JUST TIP HIM.
>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT WE ASK, 2020.
>> Stephen: HERE'S HOW IT WENT DOWN --
TRUMP'S ADVISORS WENT TO MAR-A-LAGO AND
MILITARY OFFICIALS PUT THE OPTION OF KILLING SOLEIMANI--
WHICH THEY VIEWED AS THE MOST EXTREME RESPONSE-- ON THE MENU
THEY PRESENTED TO PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THEY DIDN'T THINK HE'D DO IT.
THEY TACKED ON THE CHOICE OF TARGETING GENERAL SOLEIMANI TO
MAKE OTHER OPTIONS SEEM REASONABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) QUICK NOTE TO THE GENERALS, THE
ONLY WAY TRUMP ISN'T GOING TO ORDER SOMETHING ON A MENU IS IF
IT COMES WITH VEGETABLES.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"LET'S SEE HERE, WHAT IF WE GOT?
WHAT IF WE GOT?
OOOH, OH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, THE KILLING SOLEIMANI LOOKS
TEMPTING.
OH, IT COMES ON A BED OF SPINACH.
CAN YOU HOLD THAT?
NO?
THEN I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN-FRIED SANCTIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) OR HERE'S A BETTER IDEA -- IF
YOU DIDN'T WANT HIM TO PICK IT, DON'T GIVE IT AS AN OPTION.
IT'S LIKE A BOYFRIEND SAYING, "WAIT, YOU CHOSE BREAK UP?
BUT I ONLY OFFERED THAT SO YOU'D BE MORE INTO THE THREESOME
IDEA!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHICH, OBVIOUSLY, IS A JOKE.
( CHEERING ) SO WHY DID TRUMP CHOOSE WHAT THE
PENTAGON SAW AS THE MOST EXTREME OPTION?
WELL, TRUMP SAYS, HE HAD NO CHOICE.
>> LAST NIGHT, AT MY DIRECTION, THE UNITED STATES MILITARY
SUCCESSFULLY EXECUTED A FLAWLESS PRECISION STRIKE THAT KILLED THE
NUMBER ONE TERRORIST ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, QASEM SOLEIMANI.
SOLEIMANI WAS PLOTTING IMMINENT AND SINISTER ATTACKS ON
AMERICAN DIPLOMATS AND MILITARY PERSONNEL, BUT WE CAUGHT HIM IN
THE ACT AND TERMINATED HIM.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, IMMINENT ATTACK.
BUT THE PENTAGON SAID THAT THE STRIKE WAS CARRIED OUT TO
DETER "FUTURE" ATTACKS.
SO, WHAT WAS THE IMMINENT THREAT?
EVENTUAL THREATS.
IT'S LIKE THAT OLD VAUDEVILLE ROUTINE:
WHO'S ON FIRST?
KILL HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) KILL WHO?
YES.
( APPLAUSE ) ACCORDING TO OFFICIALS WHO WERE
BRIEFED ON THE STRIKE, THE EVIDENCE ABOUT AN IMMINENT
THREAT WAS "RAZOR THIN."
OKAY.
SO, A NEW, DANGEROUS CONFLICT IN THE MIDDLE EAST, LAUNCHED BY THE
U.S. GOVERNMENT ON A MURKY PREMISE, WITH RAZOR THIN
EVIDENCE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS: 2003 IS BACK, BABY!
IN 17 YEARS, WE'VE COME FULL CIRCLE, FROM YELLOW CAKE TO
"CHOCOLATE CAKE."
( LAUGHTER ) FROM W.M.D. TO K.F.C.
FROM "SHOCK AND AWE" TO "SHOCKINGLY AWFUL."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JANE FONDA IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, EXCITING THINGS IN THE WORLD OF TECH.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
IT INVOLVES TOILET PAPER!