-We don't always have enough time to cover everything
in the recent news, so, here with a recap is one
of our writers, Amber Ruffin,
in a segment we call "Amber Says What."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
-You guys, things have been crazy!
Okay, first of all,
Beyoncé announced her Renaissance World Tour
and I was like, "What?!" -Whoo!
-Then tickets went on sale and I was like, "What, what?!"
[ Laughter ] So, I went online to buy a ticket and I was like,
"Wha-a-a-t?!" [ Laughter ]
These prices were so expensive!
I was like, like, "Who you think you got, Beyoncé?!"
[ Laughter ]
What's that? They do?
Oh, I'll take 14 tickets.
[ Laughter ] Sold out? Dang!
So then I heard that the Kansas City Chiefs
and the Philadelphia Eagles were going to the Super Bowl
and I was like, "What?"
[ Laughter ] But then I heard Rihanna's performing
at the halftime show and I was like --
[ To Rihanna's "Work" ] ♪ What what what what what ♪
Yeah, baby!
The Chiefs and the Eagles are not going to the Super Bowl.
They're opening for Rihanna!
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Then I heard that Florida banned
AP African American studies from their high schools
and I was like, "What?!"
These mother[bleep] said it...
[ Laughter ]
...and was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] Then I realized, hey!
I love Black history and this decision kind of makes me
like a little, um, Black history criminal, right?
I was like, "Wha-a-a-t?!"
I'm going to sneak children Black history on the low.
[ Laughter ]
I'm a little Black history Underground Railroad.
[ Laughter ] Psst! Hey, kid, c'mere.
You want some Black history?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Madam C.J. Walker was the first Black woman millionaire.
Now, scram, and tell all your friends!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then I thought, "Well, at least Florida can't get any worse."
But then I saw that the mayor of Miami unveiled
a new Black History Month
police car and I was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] Psst! Hey, kid.
You want some more Black history?
Sure you do. Now, you're hooked.
[ Laughter ]
The origins of modern day policing can be traced back
to something called the Slave Patrol.
Now, scram, and tell all your friends!
[ Laughter ]
So, then I saw there was a new dating reality show about MILFs,
called "MILF Manor,"
[ Laughter ] and I was like, "What?!"
Is this a joke?
I know I've heard this somewhere before.
Like didn't one of our writers, John Lutz,
have something to do with it?
And then I remembered.
-Welcome to the MILF finals. -Alright, Deborah!
-Oh, you suck, Deborah.
-This show is the worst.
Didn't one of those MILFs die during production?
-She had too much champagne
and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand.
It could've happened anywhere.
I was like, , "Wha-a-a-t?!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
"30 Rock" predicted the future.
[ Laughter ] Also, Lutz's name on the show was Lutz.
This man was born with a name so funny
that some of the best comedy writers could not beat it.
[ Laughter ] So then I read that Connecticut might exonerate women
who were executed for being witches in the 1600s
and I was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] You're exonerating them now?
It's 400 years too late.
[ Laughter ] If this is how you do people convicted of being witches,
I'd hate to see how you do people convicted
of possession of marijuana.
What's that? They're still in jail? Hm.
[ Laughter ] Psst! Hey, kid, c'mere.
[ Laughter ]
You want some more Black history?
Black people are four times more likely
to be arrested for possession.
Now, scram, and tell all your friends!
[ Laughter ]
Okay, so then something crazy happened.
You know that guy, George Santos,
the congressman who got caught telling a million lies?
Well, I read that his campaign spent more than $26,000
at an Italian restaurant and I was like, "What?!"
[ Laughter ] Everything this man does is hilarious!
[ Laughter ] $26,000 at one restaurant?
What do they serve, Beyoncé tickets?
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then I found out that he owed the same restaurant
another $18,000 for an event he threw there
and I was like, "What?!"
What happens if he doesn't pay it?
Does he get his kneecaps broken by...
[ Laughter ]
This man lied about school, work,
said he was Black, said he was Jewish,
all while having a face beat to the gods
[ Laughter ] and eating thousands of dollars of takeout.
Sir, you are very bad and it will never stop bringing me joy.
[ Laughter ]
Then it was Groundhog Day!
And I read that Punxsutawney Phil
predicted six more weeks of winter
and I was like, "What?!"
This rat don't know the weather!
[ Laughter ] Who does this groundhog think he is?
Bitch, you live in a hole!
[ Laughter ] Don't nobody wanna hear your forecast.
You don't know [bleep]!
-Amber, are you just mad that he said six more weeks of winter?
-[ Faux crying ] Yes. I'm so cold.
It's no degrees outside.
We don't have any degrees.
[ Laughter ]
Then people were like,
"Did you hear Tom Brady retired again?"
And I was like, "What?!"
That is crazy because he is very football.
Like it's a whole thing.
Pigskin, touchdowns, tackling field goals,
touchdowns, touch-ups -- he's got it all.
[ Laughter ]
-Amber, do you not know who Tom Brady is?
-No, I do not.
[ Laughter ] -Oh. He played in the NFL
for 23 seasons. He's a legend.
-Oh! Is he that guy who kissed his child on the mouth
and everybody hated it?
[ Laughter ]
-I mean, yeah, but.
-[ Laughs ] Yuck.
[ Laughter ] So, then I read that Pope Francis said
that being gay is not a crime, but it is a sin,
and I was like, "Wha-a-a-t?!"
[ Laughter ] Bitch!
Now, you know what's legal and illegal?
Where were you during "Spotlight"?
[ Laughter ] Pope, please.
Psst! Hey, kid, c'mere.
[ Laughter ]
You want some Black history?
The first Black pope was
George Santos?!
[ Laughter and applause ] Man, George Santos got into my Black history jacket!
This has been "Amber Says What."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]