Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette! In today's video, we'll discuss something
that's important for every gentleman to be able to do well and often, apologize.
Inherent to the process of any apology can be feelings of failure, regret,
insecurity, defensiveness, and indignation. But even though these are natural
emotional responses when you find that you're at fault in a given situation,
knowing how to apologize politely and with class is a skill that should be in
every gentleman's arsenal. The simple fact to remember is no one person can be
right a hundred percent of the time. You may think you're right all the time but
if you do, I've got news for you! Not only does everyone else around you
think you're insufferable to be around but it's also simply not true. Of course,
this is an extreme case that's easy to condemn and we believe that most viewers
here are aspiring to be gentlemen and therefore, probably don't believe that
they're right a hundred percent of the time. Still, even if you do apologize when
you're at fault, there are skills that you can improve upon to make sure that
your apologies will be received effectively and that's what we're going
to go over today. Some men are hesitant to apologize when they're in the wrong
because they believe that it will look like a sign of weakness. The fact of the
matter is though, never apologizing for anything will be a losing tactic for you.
By never apologizing, not only would you deny other people in your life the
respect they deserve by getting a proper apology but also you will, in fact, end up
with the result that you're trying to avoid which is that by never apologizing,
you will actually look weaker. Phrased another way, apologizing is not actually
a sign of weakness and it doesn't mean that you're less; less intelligent, less
competent, less successful, or have less potential.
In fact, just the opposite. If you never apologize for anything, what this
actually signals to others is that your ego is too fragile to ever admit being
wrong. In other words, you'll just end up looking insecure rather than stronger in
your convictions. Others will think that you're trying to avoid feeling bad for
doing something you did which is something that we all need to go through
in order to grow as people. In other words, not apologizing to someone for
something you did shows that you value your own ego more than the other
person's feelings. Being strong in this regard or if you prefer being a
gentleman means doing the hard emotional work that's inherent to any strong
relationship and this, in turn, means that you should apologize well and apologize
often when it is warranted. In fact, there are several benefits to good apologies;
the first of these is that you will have a greater understanding of what is and
isn't workable in any given relationship. Also, you'll be able to create a balance
between your own needs and the needs of other people and clear the air in rough
patches with open and honest communication. And after an apology,
everyone involved will be able to deal with the given situation and move
forward and ultimately, you'll probably learn something more about yourself. Okay,
so with all of that said, let's say in a situation that you screwed up and now an
apology is due, here are the ways to properly apologize as befits a gentleman.
Firstly, when you're called out as being in the wrong, start by not putting up a
defensive wall but rather by genuinely listening to the other person. You may
think that you don't need to apologize but studies have shown both that men and
women have different levels of tolerance for offensive behavior and that women, on
average, tend to apologize more than men. In other words, men are the ones who most
likely will put up this defensive wall as a first reaction. Another component of
actively listening to what the other person is trying to say here is keeping
in mind that no one will ever be able to share your perspective on a situation
100% because they just aren't inside your head. And of course, the reverse of
the situation is true so you won't be able to know exactly what the other
person's perspective is. Still, by listening actively and keeping calm,
you'll be able to get a better sense of it and move forward. The most important
thing here is to get to the root of whatever caused the offence, in the first
place. Next, if it's become clear that you are, in fact, in the wrong in a given
situation, don't drag out the time it takes to make an apology rather it's
best to apologize promptly, as soon as you realize it's necessary. "Earlier this
week, I had insisted that I had sent you some notes for our upcoming meeting and
you communicated to me that that was not the case"... when apologizing to someone,
doing it in person is the best course of action. The second best option here is to
apologize over the phone and the third best would be textual communication such
as text messages or email. However, we wouldn't recommend that you
use a textual apology unless it's an absolute last resort and you don't have
another alternative. One big reason that text based apologies should be avoided
is that some of the nuance of in-person conversation can be lost over text and
therefore, there's a greater potential for things to be miscommunicated more.
Generally though, a textual apology just removes some of the sincerity of the
apologizing process and the other person will probably find it less valuable. The
key here then is sincerity. Think of it this way, when a parent demands that
their child apologize for something that the child has done, this apology is often
not delivered with very much sincerity. The child is just apologizing because
they think they have to. In a similar vein, if
you're only apologizing because you think you have to, it won't come across
as sincere and the other person won't find it to be meaningful. What's the best
way to communicate this sincerity then? It's a matter of perspective and how you
phrase your apology. In other words, you should only be focusing on what you did,
the actions that are actually at fault. This is the key difference between a
genuine apology like "I'm sorry I did this" and a heavy-handed non apology like
"I'm sorry you feel that way". In this latter case, what you're communicating is
that you're not actually sorry for anything you did, you only think that the
other person in the given scenario reacted in the wrong way. Also, don't add
any qualifiers to your apology by saying something like "I'm sorry
but.." If you try to add anything else on to the apology, it will probably cheapen
the sincerity and may also have the potential to again shift blame to
another party which you're trying to avoid doing. So what happens when you're
not the only person or party who's at fault in a given situation? In this case,
you can acknowledge that everything wasn't entirely your fault but also
still apologize, you could say something like "I'm sorry for my part in this" that
way, you're still acknowledging responsibility while also communicating
that you weren't the only one who was at fault and yet at the same time, not
shifting blame away from yourself. To summarize all of this then, just to keep
it simple, start by saying you're sorry then explain what you're sorry for and
third, if you feel like it, you can also add on what you plan to do in the future
to avoid similar situations. The other party will probably appreciate an effort
for proactive action on your part. Next, a few words here on how to move forward
after an apology has occurred. Moving forward can be a simple process but it
can also sometimes be complicated. People may hold a grudge for a little while
based upon something you've done and frankly, it's at least somewhat in
their right to do so if you did commit an act of wrongdoing. You shouldn't
expect that an apology, even if it's one that's well worded and sincere, is going
to completely nullify any wrong thing you may have done, in the first place.
Instead, just make a commitment to be the bigger person and avoid committing the
same mistake you did, in the first place to warrant an apology. If you can
actually show that your behavior is changing, the other person will be more
likely to regain that respect for you that they had. In other words, not only
should your apology be sincere but so should your follow-through as you
proceed into the future. Also, one other note here, if someone apologizes to you,
it's important to accept their apology gracefully. In other words, don't meet
them with hostility or dismissiveness, just take their apology, especially if
it's genuine for what it is and then hopefully, you'll both be able to move on.
To wrap up today, we're not saying that any man should necessarily think that he
has to be a shrinking violet and apologize for everything under the Sun.
All we're saying is that when situations arise where you are actually at fault, it
is important to give a sincere apology to the parties who were affected. By the
way if you found today's video useful you can check out our full etiquette
playlist here. in today's video I'm wearing an outfit comprised largely of
the colors of purple and blue you can see a recent video we did on how to wear
purple in menswear here my central purple element is my shirt which in fact
features a small glen chek pattern of purple on a white background in other
words the cumulative effect is that the shirt is light and pastel in color and
therefore relatively subdued my vintage pocket square features a purple center
with a linear design in blue running around the border the edge is still
purple however so you can see both colors the other purple elements in my
outfit today are all from fort belvedere the tie is wool
grenadine and it features a striped pattern in purple petrol blue and a thin
grey my cornflower boutonniere while traditionally referred to as blue
definitely has a purple hue to it and therefore harmonizes with all of the
purple and blue elements of the outfit my shadow striped socks actually have a
base that's dark green in color but it's so dark as to not be clashing with the
other colored elements of the Wardrobe the shadow stripe itself on the socks is
purple and that's the more visible element also from Fort Belvedere today
are my cuff links which are platinum plated sterling silver and in a monkey's
fist knot design the other pieces of my wardrobe today are my sport coat which
features a charcoal herringbone weave that also has elements of brown and this
is echoed by my trousers which are taupe in color finally my shoes are dark brown
suede Oxfords and of course you can find all of my Fort Belvedere
accessories including the tie boutonniere cufflinks and socks in the
Fort Belvedere shop here