♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jesse: AFTER BECOMING THE
KING OF LATE NIGHT, GREG GUTFELD
FINALLY DECIDED TO TAKE A DAY
OFF.
SO HE ASKED THE SECOND FUNNIEST
PERSON AT FOX TO FILL IN FOR
HIM.
BILL KILL ME AND SAID HE WAS NOT
AVAILABLE SO YOU’RE STUCK WITH
ME.
MY NEEDLESS CONDOLENCES GO OUT
TO YOU, THE AUDIENCE.
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GETTING GOT
FILLED.
INSTEAD, YOU’RE GETTING SOMEONE
TALLER, BETTER LOOKING, AND
SOMEONE WHO DIDN’T GET FIRED
FROM A MAGAZINE.
YOU GOT "WATTERS!" INSTEAD.
THIS IS LIKE BUYING TICKETS TO
SEE JERRY SEINFELD AND CARROT
TOP TAKES THE STAGE.
I GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK, BUT
I FOUND OUT GOT FILLED DOESN’T
CHARGE ANYBODY TO COME SEE THE
SHOW WHICH MAKES SENSE.
BUT THERE IS A SILVER LINING.
UNLIKE A NORMAL SHOW, NONE OF
TONIGHT’S JOKES WILL GO OVER
YOUR HEAD.
THAT I PROMISE YOU.
IT’S ME.
AND IT’S AN HONOR TO STEP INTO
GREG’S SHOES TODAY EVEN THOUGH
IT KIND OF HURTS BECAUSE HE IS A
SIZE 6.
GREG HAS BEEN ON A HOT STREAK
RECENTLY.
HE NEEDS A BREAK.
A NUMBER ONE BEST SELLER, A NEW
HOUSE, A BABY BOY.
WAIT, THAT’S ME.
YOU WOULD THINK GREG WOULD WANT
A BABY.
FINALLY SOMEONE IN HIS LIFE WHO
IS SHORTER THAN HE IS.
ALSO SOMEONE TO LAUGH AT HIS
JOKES.
GREG HAS A STRANGE SENSE OF
HUMOR, DOESN’T HE?
IT’S ALMOST LIKE THERE IS
SOMETHING BENEATH THE SURFACE
THAT HE WANTS TO TELL US.
>> HERE ARE MY LATEST CANDIDATES
FOR MY PERSONAL ASSISTANT.
THIS IS HAN.
THIS IS LARS.
AND THIS IS CLIVE.
HOPE Y’ALL HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.
MINE WAS NOT SO BAD.
I SPENT MOST OF IT WORKING ON MY
ABS WITH MY PERSONAL TRAINER.
♪ ♪
I AM THE ONE ON THE BOTTOM.
FOR A CHANGE.
I WORK OUT BUT I DON’T USE
WEIGHTS.
I USE THE BODY WEIGHTS OF MY
WORKOUT PARTNER.
THEY STRADDLE ME ON MY BACK AND
THEN I SQUAT THRUST.
YOU WANT TO GO WORK OUT?
>> I DON’T HAVE MY WORKOUT
CLOSE.
SPEAK OUT WON’T NEED ANY.
♪ ♪
[LAUGHTER]
>> Jesse: NOT THAT THERE IS
ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
PEOPLE SAY THAT GREG IS MASKING
HIS FEMININE INSTINCTS BY
CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT GUNS,
REDS, AND DEATH METAL.
AND BY PEOPLE, I MEAN ME.
OUR SOURCES THINK GREG TOOK OFF
TODAY BECAUSE HE IS
TRANSITIONING.
TO WHAT EXACTLY?
UNCLEAR.
BUT A NEW SYMBOL HAS BEEN ADDED
TO THE ACRONYM LGBTQ.
IT IS NOW LGBTQ!
GREG IS PROBABLY AT A GENDER
REVEALED PARTY TONIGHT.
HIS OWN.
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, THE REAL
REASON GREG IS NOT HERE TODAY IS
BECAUSE IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BESIDES 30-YEAR-OLD WOMEN AND
ANYONE IN THE
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION DURING A
CRISIS, WHO TAKES OFF ON THEIR
BIRTHDAY?
GREG DOES APPARENTLY.
YET MUCH LIKE SLEEPY JOE, GREG
HAS CHANGED HIS POSITION.
>> WE WOULD LIKE TO WHICH OUR
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER A VERY HAPPY
BIRTHDAY.
>> Jesse: I DELIVERED THAT
BECAUSE I AM HER FAVORITE HOSE.
>> DID YOU TAKE TODAY OFF
BECAUSE IT’S HER BIRTHDAY
QUESTION MIKE YOU KNOW HOW I
FEEL ABOUT THAT.
>> Jesse: SO BESIDES
FLIP-FLOPPING, GREG AND
JOE BIDEN HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON
COMMON.
THEIR LOVE FOR HUNTER.
THEIR ADVANCED AGE.
ACTUALLY, BIDEN LOOKS A LITTLE
YOUNGER THAN GREG AND THAT.
AND OF COURSE THE THING TO HAVE
MOST IN COMMON, HAIR PLUGS.
WOULD SOMEONE SECURE ABOUT THEIR
HAIR OBSESS OVER SOMEONE ELSE’S
HAIR THIS MUCH?
>> JESSE WATTERS HAS SAVED
THOUSANDS OF LIVES JUST BY THE
AMOUNT OF HAIR SPRAY HE USED
EVERY DAY.
HIS HAIR IS LIKE AN EXTENSION
CORD, THICK, DARK, AND FULL OF
PLUGS.
CONGRATS ON THE BOOK.
IT’S GOING TO BUY YOU A LOT OF
HAIR GEL.
JESSE’S HAIR HAS ENOUGH PRODUCT
TO GET HIS STARE, HAIR STANDING
ON END FRATERNITY.
>> Jesse: JUST LIKE JOE -- I
WANT TO BE AS RESPECTFUL TO GREG
AS POSSIBLE WHILE I SIT IN HIS
CHAIR.
WAIT, WHAT IS THIS?
OH, WHAT IS THE STACK OF PAPERS
DOING HERE?
BUT I REALLY WANTED TO PAY
HOMAGE TO GREG TONIGHT.
I EVEN WANTED TO DRESS LIKE HIM
SO I PEEKED IN HIS CLOSET JUST
TO GET A LITTLE INSPIRATION.
FILLING IN FOR GOT FILLED
TONIGHT.
HAVE TO TRUST THE PART.
LET’S SEE WHAT HE GOT IN HIS
CLOSET.
PRETTY NICE. DARK PANTS.
DARK PANTS.
SLIM FIT.
I’M ALMOST THERE.
BLUE BLAZER.
WHITE SHIRT.
I JUST HAVE TO GET THE BLACK TIE
TIE.
OH, THESE ARE PERFECT.
NAILED IT.
>> THE SEGMENT WAS BROUGHT TO
YOU BY A B GAP. BABY GAP.
>> Jesse: THEY SAY IMITATION
IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY.
I’M TRYING TO LOOK AND ACT AS
MUCH LIKE GREG AS POSSIBLE.
SO AFTER THE SHOW I’M GOING TO
GO DRINK WINE ALONE.
AND TEXT DANA.
I ALSO SEARCHED HIS DESK TO FIND
SOME OF HIS FAMOUS NOTES TO USE
ON THE SHOW.
BUT THEY WERE ALL LOVE LETTERS
TO KAT.
KAT, SERIOUSLY, CONTACT HR
IMMEDIATELY.
THIS GUY’S SAKE.
>> I WROTE THOSE ABOUT MYSELF.
TRYING TO WORK ON MY
SELF-ESTEEM.
>> Jesse: AND TYRUS, HE COULD
NOT MAKE IT HERE TONIGHT.
I AM SORRY.
BUT A SOURCE JUST SENT US SOME
VERY EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE. HERE IS WHAT TYRUS IS UP TO YOU
HERE IS WHAT TYRUS IS UP TO YOU
RIGHT NOW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> Jesse: BUT IN ALL
SERIOUSNESS, I LOVE GREG LIKE --
HE IS THE MAN.
FUNNIEST GUY I KNOW.
I DON’T REALLY KNOW THAT MANY
PEOPLE BUT IT IS A COMPLIMENT.
IS A HUGE HIT.
HE IS A PROLIFIC AUTHOR.
GREAT COHOST.
AND DID YOU GUYS HEAR, HE JUST
INTERVIEWED DONALD TRUMP.
WAY TO GO, GUTFELD.
QUITE THE ACHIEVEMENT.
YOU ARE THE LAST FOX HOST TO
INTERVIEW TRUMP.
IN FACT, GREG MIGHT BE THE LAST
HOST IN AMERICA TO INTERVIEW
DONALD TRUMP.
GREG DIDN’T EVEN LIKE TRUMP WHEN
HE WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
AND THEN I REMEMBER THAT GREG
DIDN’T EVEN LIKE ME BEFORE I
STARTED POSTING "THE FIVE."
JUST ANOTHER THING HE HAS IN
COMMON WITH BIDEN.
TERRIBLE INSTINCTS.
GREG DIDN’T THINK THE
CORONAVIRUS WAS GOING TO BE THAT
BIG OF A DEAL.
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS ME.
IN ALL HONESTY, GREG SOLID
COMING, WHICH IS SOMETHING
NOBODY HAS EVER SAID ABOUT GREG.
BECAUSE HE IS LITTLE.
YOU CAN HARDLY SEE HIM.
GREG IS SO TINY, BRIAN STELTER
GAVE HIM A NICKNAME, THE
INVISIBLE ENEMY.
BUT AS YOUR DOCTOR TOLD YOU,
GUTFELD, SIZE DOESN’T MATTER.
IT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH IT THAT
COUNTS.
AND YOU HAVE DONE A LOT.
MORE THAN ANY OF US.
MOSTLY BECAUSE YOU ARE SO OLD.
YOU HAVE HAD MORE TIME TO DO
STUFF.
BUT ALSO BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A
HARD WORKER.
AND AS THEY SAY, WHEN YOU DON’T
HAVE TALENT, YOU HAVE TO MAKE UP
FOR IT WITH HARD WORK.
SO WAY TO GO, BUDDY.
GIVE IT YOUR BEST.
AND WHEN YOUR BEST ISN’T GOOD
ENOUGH, JUST DO WHAT I DO -- AT
A MOVIE CLIP TO MAKE IT FUNNIER.
>> I AM KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
>> Jesse: NOW THAT IS COMEDY.
STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S MATERIAL
MATERIAL.
KIND OF LIKE WHAT GREG DOES WITH
SCOTT ADAMS.
SPEAKING OF COMEDY, AND
EVERYTHING IS FUNNY, GUTFELD.
NO YOUR AUDIENCE.
YOUR CACKLE KIND OF REMINDS ME
OF KAMALA.
>> -- A GOOD IDEA AND YOU’RE
LIKE YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
>> LET’S START WITH THE
POSITIVE.
[LAUGHS] REALLY INTERESTING QUESTION
REALLY INTERESTING QUESTION
[LAUGHS]
>> Jesse: READ THE ROOM, DUDE.
COVERING UP YOUR INSECURITIES
WOULD COMEDY IS WET STAND-UP
COMEDIANS DO.
THAT IS NOT YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON’T DO STAND UP
BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT
STAND UP MEDIANS DON’T HAVE.
NOTES IN A TELEPROMPTER.
SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GREG.
I KNOW YOU’RE WATCHING BECAUSE
HE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND I WAS AS MEAN AS POSSIBLE JUST SO YOU NEVER ASKED ME TO
JUST SO YOU NEVER ASKED ME TO
HOST AGAIN.
LET’S TALK TO OUR GUEST TONIGHT.
SHE HAS POSE FOR MORE PICTURES
WITH HER GUNS OUT AND SYLVESTER
STALLONE.
KATIE.
HE WILL BE THE MAYOR AND HAVE A
SPECIAL TASK FORCE COMPRISED OF
RESCUE CATS.
REPUBLICAN MAYOR CANDIDATE,
LEROY.
RECOMMENDS HIS JOKES TO INDUCE
VOMITING.
WRITER AND COMEDIAN, JOE MACHI.
AND SHE IS THE ONE CAT EVEN THE
ASPCA WON’T SHELTER.
FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR, KAT TIMPF.
ALL RIGHTS, CATS, NOW UNLIKE
GREG, I ACTUALLY WROTE THAT
MONOLOGUE MYSELF.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOT FILLED
GUTFELD TAKING A DAY OFF?
>> HE IS GOOD AT FINDING
TALENTED PEOPLE TO WORK FOR
HAND.
LIKE ME.
I AM VERY FUNNY AND SMART.
I AM NOT JUST A PRETTY FACE.
AND THEN JOE JOE MACHI WHO IS SO
FUNNY THAT --
LAST NIGHT AT GUTFELD’S WITH A
PARTY FOR ABOUT AN HOUR I HAD TO
HEAR MY HUSBAND TRIED TO
CONVINCE HIM TO GO TO SANDALS
RESORT WITH THEM TO GO ALONE.
THAT’S HOW FUNNY JOE MACHI IS.
>> IT WAS MY IDEA.
>> Jesse: SO JOE, YOU’RE GOING
TO HAVE TO CARRY THE REST OF THE
SHOW BECAUSE I AM ALL A LOT OF
JOKES.
>> I THOUGHT YOU DID A GREAT
JOB.
YOU KILLED IT ON THAT MONOLOGUE.
RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I’VE BEEN WORKING FOR GREG FOR
SIX MONTHS NOW AND I THINK YOU
ARE THE FUNNIER OF THE TWO BUT
GREG IS MY BOSS.
HE IS IN CHARGE OF HOW MUCH I
GOT PAID AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM
A HEARTFELT MESSAGE ON HIS
BIRTHDAY.
JUST OFF-THE-CUFF HERE.
GREG GUTFELD IS A HANDSOME,
DARING LEADER THAT WILL SHEPHERD
AMERICA TO VICTORY IN THE FIGHT
AGAINST COMMUNISM.
>> I AGREE WITH THAT.
BECAUSE HE IS ALSO MY BOSS.
>> Jesse: I DON’T HAVE TO KISS
HIS BECAUSE HE IS NOT MY BOSS.
SPEAKING OF COMMUNISM, YOU ARE
FIGHTING AGAINST IT RUNNING FOR
MAYOR HERE IN NEW YORK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU ARE MENTIONING TO ME IN THE
GREEN ROOM THAT YOU ARE REALLY
GLAD GUTFELD WASN’T HERE AND I
WAS HOSTING BECAUSE I COULD HURT
YOUR CAMPAIGN, SO YOU ARE
WELCOME.
>> JESSE, WE NEVER HAD THAT
CONVERSATION.
YOU HAVE A VERY ELABORATE
IMAGINATION.
WE DID NOT HAVE THAT
CONVERSATION APPEARED TO BE ONE
THAT’S TRUE.
I JUST LIED.
I’M GETTING A FEEL OF THE SHOW.
>> NOW YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHAKE
HANDS, KISSED A BABY, AND YOU
TOO COULD BE A POLITICIAN.
>> Jesse: I COULDN’T TAKE THE
PAY CUT.
DOES GREG MAKE YOU NERVOUS?
>> SOMETIMES.
I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO MANAGE HIS
COMPLAINTS AT MY NUMBER ONE GOAL
IN LIFE IS -- I LIKE WHEN HE
COMPLAINS ABOUT YOU INSTEAD.
>> Jesse: GREG COMPLAINS ABOUT
EVERYTHING.
I’M SURE HE IS GOING TO BE
COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS SHOW.
CATS, ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY
TO GUTFELD BECAUSE AS I SAID, HE
DOES NOT HAVE ANYTHING ELSE
GOING ON.
BUT HE IS WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
>> I HAVE THE EXACT SAME FOCUS
IN LIFE AS KATIE.
WE ARE ALL WORRIED ABOUT.
>> LAST NIGHT HE COMPLAINED --
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GREG.