WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IF YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS, YOU KNOW THE WORLD
CONTINUES TO TALK ABOUT THE ECCENTRIC POWER-MAD CULT-LIKE
LEADER WHO HAS LAUNCHED A SURPRISE BID
TO RETAKE WHAT WE THOUGHT HE'D ABANDONED LONG AGO.
BECAUSE TOM BRADY HAS CHANGED HIS MIND ON RETIREMENT AND WILL
RETURN TO THE BUCCANEERS TO PLAY A 23RD SEASON.
(WHISTLES) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"FALSE START TO RETIREMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, UNNECESSARY HANDSOMENESS."
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, MY DEAR FRIEND TOM
BRADY'S NOT JUST RETURNING FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
HE'S ALSO SET TO MAKE $25 MILLION NEXT SEASON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHICH IS, COINCIDENTALLY, WHAT
YOU'D HAVE TO PAY 'ME' TO GO TO TAMPA.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LOVELY!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT JOKE COMES FROM!
THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR THE N.F.L., BUT BAD NEWS FOR THE GUY
WHO BOUGHT TOM BRADY'S 'LAST' TOUCHDOWN FOOTBALL FOR OVER HALF
A MILLION DOLLARS, JUST HOURS BEFORE BRADY ANNOUNCED HIS
COMEBACK.
SO, IT LOST ITS VALUE IMMEDIATELY.
THAT GUY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
WHEN IT COMES TO BALLS, BRADY'S ALWAYS BEEN BIG ON DEFLATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S THAT JOKE MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT -- I DON'T -- I --
TOM'S RETURN TO PROFESSIONAL -- I CALL HIM TOM.
TOM'S RETURN TO PROFESSIONAL MEN'S FOOTBALL RAISES ONE BIG
QUESTION FOR FANS LIKE MYSELF: WHAT, I ASK YOU, IS GONNA HAPPEN
TO JANE FONDA, RITA MORENO, SALLY FIELD, AND LILY TOMLIN?
TOM BETTER NOT PULL THE PLUG ON THIS, OTHERWISE JANE AND LILY
ARE GOING TO INTRODUCE HIM TO THEIR PALS
"GRACE AND FRANKIE."
( APPLAUSE ) I GUESS THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO
RECAST THE MOVIE AND CALL IT, "HONK IF YOU'RE GRONK."
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE OTHER BIG STORY
CONTINUES TO BE RUSSIA'S WAR CRIMES IN UKRAINE.
THE RUSSIANS EXPECTED TO COME IN AND ROLL OVER THE UKRAINIANS IN
48 TO 72 HOURS.
"EASY PEASY, WORLD WAR THREESY."
BUT THE UKRAINIANS HAVE PUT UP ONE HECK OF A FIGHT.
AND NOW WE'RE ON DAY 19 OF THE WAR, AND THINGS ARE GOING
'NYET BUENO' FOR PUTIN.
RUSSIA HAS GAINED ONLY LIMITED TERRITORY, WHILE SUFFERING
SUBSTANTIAL LOSSES IN BOTH PERSONNEL AND EQUIPMENT, AND
EVIDENCE IS MOUNTING THAT THE INVASION HAS NOT GONE TO PLAN.
SURE, UNLESS THE PLAN WAS CALLED "OPERATION MAKE THE WORLD HATE
US, BYE BYE BIG MAC."
( LAUGHTER ) THE RUSSIANS WERE SO CONFIDENT
OF VICTORY THAT, ACCORDING TO ONE REPORT, INSTEAD OF EXTRA
AMMO AND RATIONS, RUSSIAN SOLDIERS WERE EVIDENTLY CARRYING
DRESS UNIFORMS FOR THEIR VICTORY PARADE IN KYIV.
KIND OF JUMPING THE GUN THERE.
IT'S LIKE SCHEDULING YOUR FIRST TINDER DATE AT THE ALTAR.
( LAUGHTER ) "OH, YOU'RE A SAGITTARIUS?
SO AM I.
DO YOU TAKE ME IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH?"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, RUSSIAN TROOPS ARE RUNNING
OUT OF SUPPLIES, AND THEY'VE GROWN DESPERATE.
MANY HAVE RESORTED TO BREAKING INTO SUPERMARKETS AND SHOPS, AND
RAIDING HOMES IN SEARCH OF FOOD AND VALUABLES AS THEIR OWN
SUPPLY LINES HAVE FAILED.
REMINDER: THEY'RE LIKE 90 MILES FROM HOME.
THAT'S LIKE DRIVING FROM NEW YORK TO PHILLY AND TURNING
CANNIBAL AT TRENTON.
( LAUGHTER ) "WELL KIDS, WE LEFT THE GRANOLA
BARS BACK HOME, SO WHO'S FIRST ON THE MENU?
( LAUGHTER ) TIMMY, YOU LOOK WELL MARBLED."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY SIMPLY DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH FOOD.
AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS VIDEO POSTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA WHICH
APPARENTLY SHOWS AN ABANDONED RUSSIAN FIELD KITCHEN TRUCK FULL
OF RATIONS THAT ARE ENTIRELY ONIONS AND TURNIPS MAYBE SOME
POTATOES.
INTHE BACK, MORE ONIONS AND TURNIPS.
JARS OF PICKLES AND SHARDS OF DELICIOUS GLASS.
OF COURSE, RUSSIANS ARE USED TO THIS KIND OF FOOD.
IN FACT, THAT'S THEIR MOST POPULAR ICE CREAM TRUCK:
MR. ONION.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ ROUND AND ROUND THE ONION
TRUCK ♪ ♪ A BIG BITE OF ONIONS ♪
♪ TAKE A BITE AND NEVER SMILE -- OOPS -- IS POTATO ♪
( IN POP GOES THE WEASEL TUNE AS RUSSIAN BOY).
( APPLAUSE ) IN HIS DESPERATION, PUTIN HAS
TURNED TO ONE OF THE FEW FRIENDS HE HAS LEFT BECAUSE, ACCORDING
TO US INTELLIGENCE, RUSSIA IS SEEKING MILITARY EQUIPMENT AND
AID FROM CHINA.
DON'T DO IT, CHINA WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU ON THE
SIDE OF DECENCY?
WE MADE 6 "TRANSFORMERS" MOVIES.
JUST FOR YOU, TWO OF THEM ARE 3D, I THINK.
ALL OF WHICH I LOVE, BY THE WAY, BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM PARAMOUNT.
"A MOUNTAIN OF THINGS I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO
ENJOY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY'RE ALWAYS WATCHING.
WITH HIS INVASION GOING POORLY, PUTIN HAS ONLY ONE MAN TO BLAME:
ANYONE BUT HIM.
CASE IN POINT, WE JUST LEARNED THAT RUSSIAN SPY CHIEFS HAVE
BEEN PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE STUCK AT HOME, WITH NOTHING TO DO EXCEPT WATCH THE
POPULAR RUSSIAN REALITY SHOW: "LOVE IS BLINDFOLDED AND THROWN
INTO A VAN."
PUTIN HAS ALSO REPORTEDLY FIRED GENERALS OVER HIS INVASION
LOSSES.
OF COURSE HE FIRED THEM.
THEY ALLOWED UKRAINIANS TO CAPTURE THEIR GREATEST WEAPON:
TRUCK FULL OF ONIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) SOME INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS
BELIEVE PUTIN'S INCREASINGLY ERRATIC BEHAVIOR COULD BE CAUSED
BY 'ROID RAGE.
OH... WE GOT A "JUICIN' PUTIN'! ( LAUGHTER )
FINALLY EXPLAINS WHY HE HIT 68 HOME RUNS FOR CARDINALS LAST
YEAR.
BECAUSE THEIR WAR IS GOING EMBARRASSINGLY POORLY, THE
DESPERATE RUSSIANS ARE GOING FULL MONSTROUS.
AND IT COULD GET WORSE.
AND MAY GO SO FAR AS TO USE CHEMICAL WEAPONS.
HOW DO WE KNOW RUSSIA'S CONSIDERING CHEMICAL WEAPONS?
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER JAKE SULLIVAN EXPLAINS.
>> THEY'RE RIGHT NOW ACCUSING THE UNITED STATES AND THE
UKRAINIANS OF POTENTIALLY USING CHEMICAL OR BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS,
WHICH IS A TELL.
IT'S A TELL THAT THEY, THEMSELVES, MAY BE PREPARING TO
DO SO AND THEN TRYING TO PIN THE BLAME ON SOMEONE ELSE.
THAT'S A CLASSIC PAGE OUT OF THE RUSSIAN PLAYBOOK.
>> STEPHEN: AND ON THAT PAGE, IT JUST SAYS "HE WHO SMELT IT,
DEALT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SURE.
WISDOM.
IN RUSSIAN, IT DOESN'T RHYME.
TTHENT RHYME IN RUSSIAN.
THE LIES KEEP COMING, BECAUSE RUSSIA IS NOW CLAIMING THE U.S.
TRAINED BIRDS TO DELIVER UKRAINIAN BIO-WEAPONS.
THE KREMLIN HAS EVEN RELEASED FOOTAGE OF THE SECRET OPERATION:
>> STEPHEN: AND THINGS MIGHT HAVE JUST GOTTEN WORSE FOR THE
DICTATOR BECAUSE, YOU KNOW HOW THE U.S. AND ITS ALLIES HAVE
BEEN CONFISCATING OLIGARCH'S BIG BOATS?
WELL, RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE TARGETING A $700 MILLION
SUPERYACHT, WHICH THEY BELIEVE COULD BELONG TO
PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN.
AUTHORITIES WERE TIPPED OFF WHEN THE YACHT WAS SEEN IN THE OCEAN
RIDING ON TOP OF A HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE U.S. AND ITS ALLIES ARE ALSO
CONTINUING TO TURN UP THE ECONOMIC PRESSURE.
ON FRIDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED THAT THE US WILL
BAN IMPORTS OF SEAFOOD, VODKA, AND DIAMONDS.
THAT IS TERRIBLE NEWS FOR OUR NATION'S SUGAR DADDIES.
"TRINA, I KNOW YOUR PROFILE SAID YOU LIKE COLD MARTINIS, SHRIMP
TOWERS, AND SPARKLING TENNIS BRACELETS.
BUT HOW ABOUT A BUD LITE LIME, A MEATBALL SUB, AND THIS SCRUNCHY
I FOUND ON THE BUS?
WHERE YOU GOIN'?
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME.
BRENDA ALREADY LEFT AND TOOK THE KIDS!"
THIS IS A MAJOR MOVE, BECAUSE IN 2021, THE U.S. IMPORTED 48,867
METRIC TONS OF SEAFOOD FROM RUSSIA.
OLY LACK OF MACKEREL.
EXPLAINS WHY RED LOBSTER HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO
'LOBSTERFEST.' ( LAUGHTER )
NEED A BIG POT OF BOILING WATER, YOU NEED A VERY BIG POT OF
BOILING WATER.
>> Jon: BIG POT.
>> Stephen: IN THE FACE OF MONSTROUS
BRUTALITY BY RUSSIA TO BREAK THEIR SPIRIT, THE UKRAINIAN
PEOPLE CONTINUE TO RESIST AND MAINTAIN THEIR HUMANITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CASE IN POINT, UKRAINE JUST
UNVEILED A NEW POSTAGE STAMP BASED OFF THE "RUSSIAN WARSHIP
GO ( BLEEP )YOURSELF" INCIDENT.
A STAMP THAT SAYS THAT?
UKRAINE JUST WENT POSTAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FOR MY YOUNGER VIEWERS, A STAMP IS LIKE A LITTLE RECEIPT
THAT GOES ON A LETTER, WHICH IS A PHYSICAL EMAIL THAT YOU TYPE
WITH A PEN, WHICH IS LIKE A VAPE STICK FULL OF INK.
DO NOT SMOKE INK.
...AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S ALREADY A TIK TOK CHALLENGE.
SO, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS NEW STAMP.
( LAUGHTER ) OK, THAT IS GRAPHIC.
IT ALSO COUNTS AS THEIR NEW NATIONAL BIRD STAMP.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE TO BLUR
THAT FOR THE BROADCAST.
WE HAVEN'T HAD TO BLUR A POSTAGE STAMP SINCE THE POST OFFICE
ISSUED THAT STAMP OF WASHINGTON MOONING THE BRITISH.
THE UKRAINIAN POSTAL SERVICE ANNOUNCED THE STAMP DESIGN AFTER
HOLDING A PUBLIC VOTE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
UKRAINIANS ARE VOTING ON STAMP DESIGNS IN THE MIDDLE OF WAR.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS AN UNBELIEVABLE,
UNSTOPPABLE SENSE OF CIVIL DO THE.
(UKRANIAN ACCENT) "IN LIGHT OF TANKS COMING DOWN
STREET, PLEASE REMEMBER THAT ALTERNATE SIDE PARKING IS
SUSPENDED."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS SANDRA BULLOCK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )