(THEME SONG) This girl eats food.
This girl eats food.
JOANNA: So, I've just got all the sweets I was never allowed
as a child.
Because when I was younger, my mom used to lock me in a
pantry with only raisins and dry Weetabix.
Not letting me have any sweets made me into a sugar fiend
when I was older.
Oh, god, there was this guy at my school called Kevin.
I remember one lunch break we all dared him to snort some
popping candy.
First of all he put it in his ear, fair enough.
And then we made him snort it.
It was funny for about a second,
until he was like [UGH]
and it's all popping up his nose.
What a dickhead.
So, to make use of all my culinary skills, I'm going to
make the ultimate feast I never had as a child.
I'm going to have a popping candy pavlova,
and my fantasy Alcopops.
ANNOUNCER: Popping candy pavlova.
JOANNA: Popping candy pavlova.
It's a really easy recipe.
It's just whipped egg whites and sugar to make the meringue
base, then I'm going to sprinkle it with a buttload of
news agent sweeties.
ANNOUNCER: Meringue mix.
JOANNA: Mm, phlegm.
It feels like I'm cupping a very delicate
testicle right now.
It'll be like a fucking huge marshmallow.
Ah!
OK.
So they're nice and fluffy, so we need to start
dumping in the sugar.
There's loads of it.
You're going to add it gradually, but it is literally
a bag full of sugar.
ANNOUNCER: Sugar.
JOANNA: I think if I'd been allowed sweets when I was
little, and just got it out my system then and there, I'd
probably have a much more refined palette.
Because everyone else my age started eating chorizo and
liking olives and Guinness and all the weird flavors, and I'm
still eating strawberry laces.
The next step is to plop it onto a baking tray
just like a cow pat.
And you're going to put it into the oven for an
hour on a low heat.
ANNOUNCER: Squirty cream.
JOANNA: So your pavlova's cooked.
You've had it out of the oven for a couple of the hours, so
it's nice and cool.
So it's not going to melt your cream.
I love spray cream.
It gives me a sugar boner.
Oh, yeah.
Just put loads on.
Don't be a pussy.
Just put popping candy everywhere.
ANNOUNCER: Decoration.
JOANNA: OK.
Got the cream on.
So now you've got to decorate it.
I don't mind nice girly sweets like Flump.
It's Kind of pretty and pink.
But boy sweets are so much better.
All the characters on boy sweets look like they're
mescaline or something.
Ah!
It's like a tongue deodorant.
It's not that she's anti-sweets, my mum, but she
just wanted to keep us calm.
Because my brother was fucking mental.
He was always running into ongoing traffic.
And whenever my dad gave me sweets, I was really
obnoxious, that's when I discovered swearing as well.
She could have given us Ritalin.
I would have been much happier on Ritalin.
Ah!
ANNOUNCER: Alco-float.
JOANNA: So now, for the puberty portion of my dessert.
When I was a teenager, I have to say, I was a
bit of a late bloomer.
So when everyone else was behind the park benches,
getting finger banged, I was just on my own, downing
schnapps and playing with my Tamagotchi.
Then just finish off with the peach schnapps.
ANNOUNCER: Schnapps.
JOANNA: Have a swig of that.
Mm.
Peachy.
Now it's got just enough room for a dollop of ice cream.
There we go.
Look at that.
The perfect peaches and cream drink.
So, there's my popping candy pavlova and my
fancy Alcopop float.
[EXPLOSIONS]
(THEME SONG) This girl eats food.
This girl eats food.