Andrew Dice Clay looks at Donad Trump he says
enough cream cheese
in the bagels in the greenroom!"
The President says, "Andrew, whose problem is that?"
And he says, "It's your problem, Donnie!
It's your problem!" "Andrew, you're fired."
[dark electronic music]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
♪ ♪
Some say it only lasts 15 minutes.
Some people are gonna tell you it's a mythical creature
that lives at the bottom of a rainbow.
And some'll tell you not to overdo it.
[cheers and applause]
[roars in slow motion]
But if you ask me,
I say...
enjoy it while it lasts.
♪ ♪
[laughs in slow motion]
[cheers and applause]
He's a legend in the game.
Two words: Tom Green!
[cheers and applause]
- You know, I don't like talking politics, but...
[laughter]
It's hard for me to not talk politics when I'm on stage
doing stand-up, because I know the president.
[laughter]
And that's my story today.
[cheers and applause]
I know the president.
I know the President of the United States.
He fired me on "The Celebrity Apprentice."
[laughter]
He screamed at me when he fired me.
He didn't scream at the other celebrities.
He didn't scream at Brian McKnight.
[laughter]
Whoever the fuck that is.
[laughter]
No, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.
[laughter]
The president fired me.
You know, I watched "The Celebrity Apprentice."
I used to watch that show.
And I thought, "I could win that.
I could win that business competition."
So when they asked me to do the show, I thought,
"This is great; I'm gonna do 'The Celebrity Apprentice.'
I'm gonna win this thing," and I studied the show.
I studied all the strategy.
I got the tapes.
I was gonna win this thing.
Episode one.
[laughter]
I showed up. I didn't know who the other
celebrities were gonna be.
In walks my good friend Andrew Dice Clay.
[laughter]
One of the great stand-up comedians in history
and my good friend.
I'd known Andrew Dice Clay for ten years.
He used to come do my internet television show.
I was doing an internet TV show on the internet
from my living room.
[laughter]
Yeah, my career was going pretty well.
[laughter]
[sighs]
Immediately when Andrew walked in,
I thought, okay, this is gonna throw
my whole strategy out the window.
'Cause whenever I'm hanging out with Andrew Dice Clay,
we like to mess around with people.
We'll get in fake arguments
just to confuse people around us.
So on the first episode of "The Celebrity Apprentice"--
season two--
the president gave us a challenge.
[laughter]
We had to make cupcakes.
I guess the President figured
that would be a good business competition.
So I'm making cupcakes with Andrew Dice Clay.
[laughter]
And we start messing with the people around us.
Andrew gets mad, he says,
"Tommy, you're not putting enough sugar in the batter!"
I say, "Calm down, Andrew, calm down!"
Clint Black and Scott Hamilton are looking at us.
"Wow, these guys really seem to know each other."
So now we got an alliance against us, right?
Andrew Dice Clay and I were too familiar.
Clint Black didn't like me.
Country star Clint Black.
I don't want to say anything bad about Clint Black,
but that guy's a fucking asshole.
[laughter]
No, no, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
[laughter]
So we finish our cupcake challenge.
We go to the boardroom.
Everyone hears that we've been yelling at each other.
The President of the United States...
says to Andrew Dice Clay,
"Andrew, I hear there was a problem today."
Andrew Dice Clay looks at Donald Trump,
he says, "Donnie, there wasn't enough cream cheese
in the bagels in the greenroom!"
The President says, "Andrew, whose problem is that?"
And he says, "It's your problem, Donnie!
It's your problem!" "Andrew, you're fired."
[laughter]
So now my friend, my only ally, is fired.
[laughter]
I'm all alone with Jesse James.
[laughter]
Clint Black. Herschel Walker.
And Dennis Rodman.
[laughter]
Episode two.
[laughter]
Olympic gold medalist figure skater Scott Hamilton
is the project manager.
Our task is to make a commercial campaign
for a shoe company that starts with the letter Z.
Okay? Doesn't matter which one.
But it starts with the letter Z.
He suggests to us that we do a campaign
called EEE.
Energy, Enthusiasm, Excitement.
I look at Scott, and I say,
"That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard."
[laughter]
This did not ingratiate me to my team members.
[laughter]
We lost the challenge.
We go into the boardroom.
I don't know if you're familiar with the rules
of "The Apprentice,"
but the President of the United States...
[laughter]
Says to Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton,
"Scott, you get to fire one person.
"Who are you bringing into the boardroom today?
"You can bring two people into the boardroom.
Who are you bringing in?"
And Scott Hamilton says, "Mr. Trump, I know I can bring
"two people into the boardroom, but I'm only bringing one
"person into the boardroom, and that's Tom!
'Cause Tom deserves to get fired."
And he says, "Fine," and we walk out into the hallway,
and we wait around, and the other cast members leave,
and then we go back into the boardroom.
I look at the President of the United States...
[laughter]
And I say, "I know, Mr. Trump,
"that Scott doesn't think I did a very good job,
"but I think the reason that we lost this challenge
"was 'cause his idea was to call the campaign EEE
"and the company starts with a Z,
and that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard."
And Donald Trump looked at me, and he said,
"You know, Tom, I think you're right.
Scott, you're fired."
And I got him fired!
I...I got-- I got--I got him fired!
I got Scott Hamilton fired!
I got Scott Hamilton fired. Yeah.
I got Scott Hamilton fired.
I'm not bitter or anything, but I...
[laughter]
It was eight years go. I'm fine now.
[laughter]
Episode three.
[laughter]
The President of the United States
walks into the room.
He says, "Now we're going to decide
who is the project manager of this week for each team."
It was the men versus the women.
I raise my hand, I say, "Mr. Trump,
I would like to be the project manager."
Our whole team looks at each other.
They say, "Fine."
On the ladies' side, the late,
great, legendary Joan Rivers raises her hand.
[cheers and applause]
She is the project manager for the ladies.
Then Mr. Trump, the president, says,
"Okay, your challenge this week
is, who can sell the most wedding dresses."
[groans and laughter]
Who do you think's gonna sell more wedding dresses,
me and Dennis Rodman
or Joan Rivers and Khloe Kardashian?
[laughter]
So needless to say, things didn't go well.
My entire team now had an alliance against me.
They mutinied.
Everyone had a job.
Clint Black was supposed to do the promotion and marketing.
He didn't do it.
[laughter]
Brian McKnight was supposed to do some stupid thing.
I don't know what the fuck...
[laughter]
He didn't do it.
[laughs]
We lost the challenge.
At the end of the day, after working hard
trying to sell wedding dresses,
Dennis Rodman leaned to me,
and he said, "Hey, Tom, you wanna go out for a drink?"
So I went out for a drink.
With Dennis Rodman.
The president fired me 'cause I went out drinking
with Dennis Rodman
on the night I was the project manager.
I mean, this is why, sometimes, I question
the president's judgment.
[laughter]
I mean, what are you supposed to do?
You're a kid from Canada.
You're in New York City.
A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing basketball champion
asks you out on a date.
You say yes, right?
It's Dennis Rodman, right?
[cheers and applause]
It's Dennis Rodman.
The guy's a legend; he's probably gonna pick you up,
take you out for a steak dinner.
You head out for a night on the town.
You have some cranberry vodkas.
You hit the strip club.
At the end of the evening, you head back to the hotel.
If you're lucky, he doesn't have sex with you.
[laughter]
That's what I call a backcourt violation.
Okay.
No, that's just jokes, a little basketball joke.
I don't know.
I-I guess-- I guess as a Canadian,
sometimes I feel...
odd talking politics
during this strange year in America, you know.
I mean, at the end of the day, what do I got to do
with it, right?
And I know things could go bad, but if things really go bad,
I'm just gonna move home to Canada.
We're building a wall.
[laughter]
Gonna make Donald Trump pay for it.
But if I can say one thing, I will say that...
it does demystify the presidency
when you know the president.
I know the president personally.
The president knows me.
Anyone who knows me should probably not be president.
[laughter]
Hey, thank you very much, everybody.
- Tom Green, everybody, Tom Green!
[dark electronic music]