- How have I changed from when we first started dating?
And how do you feel about it?
- Oh my god! - How have I changed
since I was 14 years old? - Since we have spent
over a quarter of our lives--
- Oh God! - With each other.
(laughing) - We went from being,
stupid freshman, to stupid adults,
but like-- - It was such a nice time.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I have no idea who I'd be without you, and--
- Oh, for sure, that was like our whole,
crying over pasta, was what we would be
without each other.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
How have we changed?
- I think that when we first started our relationship,
you were not in the best place.
- Oh yeah (laughs).
I forgot about that. - You had, yeah.
Seasonal depression. - It was worse than that.
- It was worse than that. - Yeah.
- It was just-- - It was just bad.
- It was just bad, and you are so different now.
You know how to take care of yourself.
- I try.
- You're an adult, and I don't take credit for that at all.
But yeah, you're one of the most mature people I know.
(laughing) - How'd that happen?!
(laughing)
Thank you. - Yeah.
But to even...
I don't know, to even begin naming the things,
the way you've changed. - Mm.
- I don't even know where to start.
- And I don't think you know,
- Yeah. - How much I've changed.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You know.
- If you could like, see me-- - I'd like to.
At some point. - At some point.
When you don't have that hold over me,
then it'll happen. - Is that still there?
- If we hang out long enough. - Yeah.
- If we hooked up-- - Yeah.
- Oh my God, this can't happen.
(laughing) No.
Platonically, possibly. - Okay.
- I'm doing okay today, it's been fine.
- Okay, good.
- Yeah, it's just, there's certain,
if we get into certain things, and now it's just like--
- Yeah. - If we watch Game of Thrones,
and eat Chinese food, in our PJs.
That's it I'm out.
(laughing) I can't go back (laughs).
I can't do it.
I'm going to cry (laughs). - All right.
- Like, It's gonna be like, oh, no.
(mumbles)
- What are you hesitant to tell me?
Oh, I got this one.
(laughing) - You know this question?
- Yeah! (laughing)
I mean, I'm sure there's so much.
- Oh I'm-- every time we talk. - Yeah.
- Everything I say, I have apprehen--
like, I'm apprehensive to say.
- Part of being in an open long distance relationship,
is ignoring so much. - Oh my God!
- Like, willfully.
- And because the thing is, dating is such a big part
of anyone's life-- - Yeah.
- Like so, there's just times I just naturally
wanna tell you a story-- - Yeah.
- That involves someone I'm dating,
or seeing, or whatever. - Yeah.
- And I just can't. - Yeah.
- Like and, I like notice sometimes,
you like, when you refer to people you use like, they,
like so I don't, like you don't say he or she.
Yeah. - I'm like,
super careful about what-- - You say.
- I tell you and stuff. - Yeah.
'Cause I just feel like, that's such a big part
of each other's lives. - Mhmm.
- That we are so not aware of.
Which has been working.
(laughing) - Yeah, no.
- Which has been great. - I don't need to know.
- I don't want to know.
I think that's gonna take me a while.
I do think that, if you had a girlfriend.
- Mhmm. - Like officially,
Facebook status official girlfriend,
I'd wanna know. - Yeah.
- Because I just...
It's gonna happen, and I'm gonna have to,
I'd rather like know, and I don't think,
I might not be able to hang out,
like with you and her for a while,
but like-- - Sure, yeah.
- Of course, but I would want to know.
I would hate to hear it from somebody else honestly.
I'm probably gonna have to go through
the grieving process again, once you start dating somebody.
- Mhmm.
- And I'm kind of like, prepping myself for it.
Because it's gonna happen-- - Yeah.
- And it's gonna suck, so that I'm really,
I'm hesitant...
I'm hesitant to say anything to you.
It sucks, because we used to tell each other everything,
we knew everything. - We were the best
communicators. - And now I'm just like,
I really watch what I say, - Yeah.
Like, 'cause you know, we're single, we're dating and--
- I know that's frustrating for you,
I know there's times that you wanna tell me.
- It's because I've been through a lot of pain,
when it comes to dating.
I've been through like, a lot of pain.
And it really hurt, and I've been hurt really, really bad,
and I want to tell you because you've always
been there for me, and I can't.
So if a fuckboy fucks me over,
I don't really tell you, even though I want to sometimes.
- Yeah. - You know?
- The big things you'd-- - I will continue,
oh for sure, you're the first person I would call,
for the big things. - Really?
- Still.
Yeah, honestly yeah.
'Cause you handled it so well,
when I called you, that time–
- Yeah. - Like,
even though we were still kinda "dating",
like you still handled it really well.
- Mhmm. - With what happened.
What is one experience you wish we never had?
- Hm.
One experience...
- Yeah. - Never had.
Oh.
There was one time, this was like,
at one of the toxic peaks of our relationship.
Like, right after the summer had ended.
- Mm.
- Where, I'm so not proud of this moment.
- Wow. - Of when...
When you were hanging out with our friends at our
mutual friends house.
- Oh, what's his name's, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- At the person-- - At the mutual friend's.
- The mutual friend. - Yeah, oh and you--
- And I was, I was so paranoid.
That is the most unhealthy I've ever felt
in a relationship, I was stalking your Snapchat location.
- Yeah, you were.
- To make sure that you left, when you said you left.
That's insane. - Yeah.
- I've never--
- I've never seen you like that.
- I've never been like that-- - You've never been like that.
- Besides that, that area of our relationship.
And that scared the shit outta me.
- That was, yeah.
That was like, the depths of insecurity,
and like, fear.
- Yeah.
- I'd like to think I'm not like that most times.
(nervous laughing) - You're never like that.
That was shocking to me, that was like,
absolutely shocking, that you were so...
Like fucked up over that.
Of like, of that fear, you know.
- Mine is similar too.
Mine was earlier this summer, when you were kinda still
in your, dickish phase. - Fuckboy?
- Terrible.
- And we were, we were on your bed,
and I was so weak and dumb, and I was just asking you like,
about the girl that you had like, hooked up with,
and we were kind of on a break,
right before you broke up with me, and like,
all that stuff.
And then I asked you, I'm like, "Do you still love me?"
And you were like, "Less, I love you less."
And then I stayed. - Yeah.
- And I stayed, and I'm pretty sure we hooked up,
and I slept over, and I like, I've never had panic attacks,
but I was like shaking all night.
Like, because I was next to someone who didn't love me,
who I was madly in love with, after hearing about them
being with other people, and I stayed.
I should've fuckin' left.
I should've left, but I was so--
I was the weakest I've ever been.
I was so like, and I– oh my God,
it was just terrible.
You, yeah that was just like the night you were like,
yeah, I'm not, I don't think we're gonna get back together.
Like, I don't love you like I used to.
- Yeah. - And then I stayed.
That was terrible.
It was a really bad night.
That was my lowest, I wish we never had that experience.
I think about that, a lot. - I wish we didn't either.
- Yeah, we really fucked each other up.
- Yay. - Yay.
(laughing) your turn.
- How do you think our lives would be different,
if we never met?
- We talk about this all the time, easy.
- No clue.
- We grew up together. - Yeah.
- We were 14.
- We were each other's best friends, until we were 14.
- Yeah. - Through, now (laughs).
- Yeah.
- I can't even imagine my life without you.
Like, it's not even fathomable, at this point.
- Hmm, yeah.
We didn't have, best friends--
- No. - In high school.
We had each other. - Yeah.
- And that was good.
Like I don't regret at all what happened--
- Oh, me neither. - In our high school years.
- No, I have no regrets-- - Yeah.
- From that, we were kids, we didn't know.
- Yeah. - We were in love.
I was the best it could've been.
- Yeah, junior and senior year,
Solid. - So good, so good.
I like it.
- If we met for the first time this year,
do you think we would date?
- Hmm. - Why or why not.
- That's so interesting. - That is a
really interesting question.
(sighs)
- I don't know, I'd like to think so,
but that's just because I know.
(laughing) Like I have,
I have six to seven years of hindsight,
- Mhmm. - Or five to six years
of hindsight, like I know you like the back of my hand but,
I don't know, I don't know.
- Hm.
- I know you, when you're vulnerable,
I know you, what you're like, at all stages.
And, I think you're a hard person to read.
- Hm.
- And I don't know if I, if the current you,
I'd like to think so.
- I think we would. - Yeah.
- You're cute, I would be like, yeah.
You know, I would, I think so.
I think we would date.
But I actually really hate thinking about it.
Because then I feel like I'm setting an expectation,
and you could go off and get married--
- Yeah. - in five years, I don't know,
probably not, but like, you could so.
- Yeah. - I try not to think about it.
- What do you wish for me?
- You know, actually this is really sweet.
(nervous laughing) you're gonna make me cry.
I've been like writing lately,
'cause like, it's just been helping me,
and I wrote about you.
'Cause, you know I still think about you all the time.
But I was writing, I was thinking about like,
I was thinking, you know, because I've been dating,
and you think about like, you learn things
from different people, and you grow,
and I was thinking about what you would learn from
another person you're dating.
And I was fearing that like, you dating an amazing girl,
is that gonna make you feel like, we weren't amazing,
You know?
But, I was trying not to be so selfish thinking about that,
and I was thinking like well, I want him to
continue to grow.
And I feel like a relationship helps with that.
So, I wrote in my little thing I wrote about you,
it was like, "I want you to date someone that,"
"Helps you sleep better," (laughing)
"And like, makes you open up, and not stress as much.
"And like, doesn't make you feel like
"you're being a caretaker, and actually date someone
"that maybe takes care of you, a little bit"
- That's scary. - Yeah.
Yeah, that was like, that just like--
'cause I've always wanted to be like,
the girl that like, helps you sleep more, (nervous laughing)
like I remember like we used to sleep in the same bed,
like when we first started doing that,
I was like, "Oh, maybe this'll help him like, sleep."
And it didn't, and I'm like, I really want you to meet
someone that like, you'll sleep in the same bed
and she'll help you fall asleep.
- Your hair would tickle my nose.
- Yeah, yeah.
You have to date someone with really short hair I guess.
I don't know.
- It won't, no matter...
It sounds weird saying, but no matter how
amazing someone else I date will be,
it's never gonna tarnish what we had.
- Yeah, I know but you can't help it, like you haven't--
- I think I can, I think that I can separate
what I needed then, and what I need now.
And, you were exactly what I needed.
- I know - And,
like I said, I will always love you, in a sense.
Maybe not be in love with you,
but I will always love you.
And I don't think I'm ever gonna love someone else
the same way, but I will love others.
And that love will be different.
It's not gonna change the way I feel about you.
- I know, I just think people give you different things.
Yeah, I just want you to be, I don't know, happy.
- You too. - I'll try.
- You too. - Okay.