This episode is part two of our discussion on cognitive distortions. If you haven't seen that
one already, go back and watch part one where I cover 10 common cognitive distortions. So just
as a refresher, cognitive distortions happen when our thinking gets twisted or exaggerated.
But most of the time we don't notice that we're thinking this way. It often feels true,
so we just go with it. But cognitive distortions make us feel more sad, anxious, depressed,
or ashamed because we end up believing something that isn't necessarily true or helpful. Learning
to recognize the 10 common cognitive distortions is the first step to gaining some power over
cognitive distortions in your life. In this episode, you're going to learn how to challenge
and replace those distorted thoughts. You can change how you think so that you can change how
you feel. But before we jump into that, we need to talk about the benefits of distorted thinking.
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Everyone says "Be positive," but almost everyone spends some time thinking negatively. Why is that?
Distorted thinking kind of screws us over in the long run, but we do it because in the short term
it has some benefits. So the first benefit of negative thinking is that it's comfortable.
So have you ever heard someone say, "I'd rather expect to fail and be pleasantly surprised than
expect to succeed and be disappointed"? Negative thinking is just another subtle way to attempt to
avoid pain. We seek to protect ourselves from disappointment by expecting the worst or by
labeling ourselves as broken. So let me give you an example. Let's start with the first cognitive
distortion, all or nothing thinking. So James really wants to get a better job. He knows that
to do this, he needs to write a good resume. He works the evening shift, so he has a lot of time
during the day to do it. But each day he starts off by watching a lot of gaming videos on YouTube.
Once I checked his uh screen report, and he was spending 40 hours a week watching
gaming videos on YouTube. So when his morning is over and he's watched all these gaming videos,
he thinks, you know, I should work on my resume. But now he only has two hours before work,
and he still has to shower and get ready. So even though he would have some time, he might not be
able to finish. So he thinks, "I've completely wasted my morning. My whole day is ruined.
Why try? It's not worth the effort." And now that he's convinced himself that it's pointless to put
in effort, he's also excused himself from doing the hard work of figuring out his resume. His
all-or-nothing thinking protects him from feeling like he needs to work, but it also leaves him
feeling depressed. When I made James sit down and do his resume in session, it took like 30 minutes,
right. He did have time, but this all-or-nothing thinking protects him from, you know, taking
that risk, taking that vulnerability, putting in that emotional effort that it requires to,
you know, do hard things. If you look carefully at each type of cognitive distortion, you'll see
that it does something for you. It has a secondary gain, a benefit that in the long run really isn't
that helpful. Distorted thinking helps us avoid responsibility, prevent risk, or try not to feel
so vulnerable. This is called a secondary gain. We don't notice that we're doing it, but it does
something for us. Cognitive distortions may make you feel vindicated, but in the long run,
thinking this way leaves you miserable. Okay, second benefit of distorted thinking is it's
easy. It takes a little effort. Maybe we learned to think this way from a parent or we developed
this way of thinking to cope with stressors, but when this type of thinking is habitual it changes
from a defense mechanism to a paradigm. The the whole way that we see the world becomes distorted,
and this leads to depression and anxiety and anger, loneliness and unachieved dreams. So again,
short-term avoidance leads to long-term suffering. The side benefits we get from
negative thinking make it hard to let go of. It's often not helpful to say "Just be positive"
because people just don't believe or don't want to risk believing the positive thoughts.
If we want to overcome distorted or negative thinking, we have to recognize our thinking,
explore what it does for us, and replace it with more truthful or more helpful thinking.
In the last video, I challenged you to identify which type of cognitive distortions you use.
In this section, I want you to write about those secondary gains you get from thinking this way,
how it maybe serves to protect you or if it helps you avoid uncomfortable emotions. If you're on
YouTube, you can do this in the comments section below. Now that you've identified what you get out
of distorted thinking, let's explore how to change it. I have full videos on four of these cognitive
distortions on my YouTube channel. I'll link them in the description. And if you want to see how I
do this with each of these cognitive distortions with James, you can buy the full course. Think
about a recent time you got really emotional, or you can use this activity the next time you do. So
we're gonna use James's example again to look for these distortions and get started changing them.
One of the running themes in James' thinking was that he is a loser, he was a failure,
that he was never going to be successful or able to achieve his dreams of becoming a pilot.
He would tell himself, "I'm such a loser. I'm never going to amount to anything.
I fail at everything." Okay, so the first thing to do is to notice and to name. This is learning
to identify how you think. Now because we don't know we're thinking falsely, it's really helpful
to get the help of a therapist or a friend or write down how you're thinking about a situation.
So in therapy, I would help James identify the cognitive distortions in his thinking.
When he says, "My life will always be a failure," I would help him notice that he's catastrophizing.
When he says, "I'm such a loser," I would help him notice that he was labeling himself. When he says,
"I fail at everything," I would help him notice he's using black and white thinking. So then next,
check for distortions. So for example, start to catch yourself when you say words like always or
never or when you're making assumptions, and then you can say, "Oh, that is black and
white thinking." In therapy, I help James notice each time he says always or never.
Over the course of a couple sessions, James started to notice himself talking this way,
and then he would start to catch himself. So then instead of saying, "I fail at everything," he
starts saying I messed up that job interview, but maybe the next one will go better. Or "At least
I have more opportunities to interview for other jobs." Third, explore. What does this thought do
for you? Is there any benefit? Does this thought give you a sense of control? Does it help you
avoid taking responsibility, or does it protect you from feeling vulnerable? James was able to
see that most of his distorted thinking just helped him to stop trying. It excused him from
putting in the effort to go to a trade school or to work on his resume, and it gave him an excuse
to just spend more time gaming. When James was able to see how his mind was distorting things,
it made him kind of mad. And that helped him get motivated to do something different. Okay,
now is where you challenge the thought. So here's a couple of ways to do that, right.
If you told this thought to your kindest, most reasonable, rational friend or family member,
what would they say to you about this thought? You could ask yourself, what would you tell a friend
if they had this thought to help them? And you could ask yourself, are there some other ways of
seeing this problem? You could try reframing your thinking. That means looking at the problem from
a different perspective. And you could check out the six-pack exercise to learn more about that.
Look for exceptions to this thought. Is your statement partially wrong or is your
way of thinking possibly false? In at least one situation, you try to see both sides of
a situation. People are usually a mixture of good and bad. Situations have pros and cons.
And watch for extreme wording, and try to be precise instead. So instead of saying, "You never
take out the trash," say "You did not take out the trash today. This is becoming a pattern." Okay,
here's another way to challenge your thinking. Just try thinking the opposite for just a second.
And then what action would that motivate if you did believe the opposite?
And which action is going to be more helpful? So, for example, if I believe that I'm always going to
be a failure, that motivates me to quit, right. That's the action it motivates, so if I believe
the opposite - I can be successful in the future - then that would motivate me to take action towards
success. Another thing to do is to ask yourself, how would your life be different if you stopped
believing that thought? Just do that thought experiment, and then choose. So out of all the
different ways you could think about a situation, which one is going to be the most helpful for you?
If you were to be more truthful or more hopeful or more vulnerable, what would you think or say or do
differently? When James would tell himself that he was a failure and that his life was hopeless,
we started to challenge that thinking. James started to think differently. So
instead of saying, "Everything is hopeless," he would say, "Oh, that didn't go very well."
Or he would say, "What can I learn from this?" And instead of saying, "I'm a failure," he would say,
"I made a mistake, but I can try little by little to change just one thing at a time."
Instead of saying, "I hate my job," he would say, "I don't enjoy work, but there's other
parts of my life that I do enjoy." He learned to focus on progress and not perfection.
He would say things like, "Oh, just because I haven't found the success I want yet,
it doesn't mean I never will. I'm going to keep trying until I get there." After we challenged his
distorted thinking, James was feeling a little bit more motivated. He started doing one small
thing each day to improve his life. He started exercising just a little, he started looking for
a better job, he started working on his resume, and he started taking one online class at a time.
Before long he had left his job at the restaurant and he'd gotten trained to be a commercial truck
driver. So this job paid a lot more, but it also freed him up to take courses that he
could listen to while he drove. So he started taking courses on things like money management,
and then he would save his paychecks and started paying off his debt. He took courses on how to
have better relationships and on other topics on how to improve his life. And at this point
he still hasn't achieved his goal of becoming a pilot, but he's starting to feel even more
optimistic about the future, and he doesn't struggle with depression as much as he did before.
You really can learn to change how you feel by changing how you think, and it starts
with just these little baby steps. Noticing how you think, identifying if it's distorted thinking,
challenging your thoughts, looking for different ways to think, and then choosing
which type of thought is going to help you live the life that you value. Use the exercise in the
workbook to practice CBT on yourself, and start getting your life headed in a more positive and
empowered direction. Thank you for watching, and take care. This video is one skill from my
30-skill course How to Process Your Emotions, where I teach 30 of the most essential skills
for resolving depression, anxiety, and improving mental health. Emotion processing is an essential
skill for working through intense emotions, but most people have never been taught how to do it.
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