- What do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Woman In Audience] Love.
- Love, let's dive into that, love is very general.
Let's be more specific, so an aspect of love
or something like that.
- [Man In Audience] Sex.
- Sex is an aspect of love.
Cool, so I mean, really, you can tell.
The lady was like, "Love" and the guy was like, "Sex".
And that's really where the genders differ.
- [Man In Audience] Shit.
I tell you what, I tell you what.
I didn't even come to you yet, mate,
unless that was a heckle, in which case, no.
So, I will not even entertain that.
I'll just go, "No."
Okay so, love and sex and the tension between those
in a relationship.
I like that, that's a good topic.
Let's come to this wedge here.
What do you want to hear a rap about?
- [Man In Audience] Yorkshire pudding.
- Yorkshire pudding, I mean, technically it's a food,
but it is a pretty obscure, specific food,
so I am happy to take that.
Love and sex and the tension between them,
Yorkshire pudding.
I never had a Yorkshire pudding.
Don't worry, I'll explain it.
Middle of the room here, tell me what you want a rap about.
What was that?
- [Woman in Audience] Gnomes.
- Gnomes, yeah, I like it, I like gnomes.
I was doing a gig in Little Rock, Arkansas.
I was talking about genetics because I'd had
my 23 and Me done.
I mentioned the human genome and someone goes,
"What's a genome?"
And his friend next to him went, "Are you stupid?
"It sits on your lawn with a fishing rod."
(audience laughing)
A lesser comedian would have saved that joke
and worked it in a bit later on
so it would seem like I'm real smart, but I'm honest.
I let it out up front.
So, we have love, sex and the tension between,
Yorkshire pudding, gnomes, thank you.
Let's come to this line here.
What do you want a rap about?
- [Man In Audience] "A Clockwork Orange".
- "A Clockwork Orange", the Anthony Burgess novel,
Stanley Kubrick film, "A Clockwork Orange".
Yeah, you see, you were like, "He won't know this."
Yeah, I did, fuck off.
I've read it as well.
I've read it.
It's hard because it's not really written in English
and he doesn't ever translate.
You just try and absorb.
Have you read it?
Yeah, so suck it.
I'm sorry, that was a really good suggestion
and then I've just been going like,
"Yeah, I know all about it."
Okay so, we have love, sex and the tension between them,
Yorkshire pudding, gnomes, "A Clockwork Orange".
Final section over here, what do you want
to hear a rap about?
- [Woman in Audience] Pickles.
- Pickles, it's a food.
Any raise on pickles?
None, any raise on it?
- [Man In Audience] Snorkels.
- Snorkels, cool.
Pickle snorkels is the suggestion, we'll combine them
to make that more original.
So, love, sex and the tension between them,
Yorkshire pudding, gnomes, "A Clockwork Orange"
and pickle snorkels.
Piss then, lovely people at the Comedy Cellar.
A little treat to close out the night.
A little thing called a freestyle rap.
That is a rap made up on the spot
based on telling those suggestions.
It is not prepared, it is not written, and do not worry.
It will not be anywhere near as bad as you are expecting
a privately educated, middle-class white boy to be.
(audience laughing)
Let's drop that beat, my friend, let's have some fun.
(hip hop beat begins)
I'm excited for this.
Thank you for the cheers over there.
You're like, "Yeah, he can do this."
♪ Grass in the garden at home ♪
♪ I'm by the side of the path ♪
♪ I laugh at my gnome ♪
♪ Looking so funny ♪
♪ I say, "What is it?" ♪
♪ Basically a cross of a smurf and a midget ♪
♪ Little red hat and a fishing rod ♪
♪ I really find it weird ♪
♪ Right by the wishing pond ♪
♪ It's like a wishing well ♪
♪ You can drop a coin in ♪
♪ And get a lot of good luck ♪
♪ Come to learning ♪
♪ Any gnomes that I see ♪
♪ In the gravel driveway ♪
♪ Pick it up ♪
♪ Stroll away ♪
♪ Put it down my way ♪
♪ Put it in my ends ♪
♪ Maybe put it on the plant ♪
♪ If I knock the ceramic off ♪
♪ You know it goes ching ♪
♪ Hear it splashes into pieces ♪
♪ Smashes on the tarmac ♪
♪ See a little gnome ♪
♪ With his weird Papa Smurf hat ♪
♪ That is okay ♪
♪ I take the Papa Smurf back ♪
♪ Take the gnome over there ♪
♪ Before they pop a cap in my ass ♪
♪ I look from a tower ♪
♪ Like a princess above ♪
♪ Pass your braid down, prince, ♪
♪ And I'm preaching love ♪
♪ I let my hair down ♪
♪ He tugs on and then he climbs ♪
♪ And then he says, ♪
♪ "Princess, you want to recline?" ♪
♪ I'm like, "Wait, ♪
♪ "After love what happens next?" ♪
♪ He says, "I thought it's obvious. ♪
♪ "We're gonna have sex." ♪
♪ And I say, "No, please wait it. ♪
♪ "We gotta establish a relationship." ♪
♪ I shouldn't approach a love-making shit. ♪
♪ Guys are like, "No, I do it my way" ♪
♪ Fast like a highway ♪
♪ Screw any foreplay ♪
♪ I just want to go down right there ♪
♪ When it comes to love ♪
♪ Yeah, I really don't care ♪
♪ Come hard down flaming in ♪
♪ Like I'm a comet ♪
♪ The love I hate, yeah, ♪
♪ It's the type, it's platonic ♪
♪ Move on, next in ♪
♪ I'm gonna talk ♪
♪ Yo, I 'll teach ya ♪
♪ How I went in the coast ♪
♪ Took a snorkel ♪
♪ So people like to see me ♪
♪ Float along the Hamburg ♪
♪ That's a river ♪
♪ So I get up in like a cucumber ♪
♪ I pickle it in the tiny, little jar ♪
♪ I got the best operators by far ♪
♪ I move along ♪
♪ People look at me so strange ♪
♪ As I crawl from A Clockwork Orange ♪
♪ Yeah, they're literary original ♪
♪ I deserve this ♪
♪ I be reading that novel ♪
♪ By Anthony Burgess ♪
♪ The main character had all of those urges ♪
♪ He's Alex, so they said, ♪
♪ "You know I'm beat so I've installed this" ♪
♪ On his fifth, I try and simplify ♪
♪ It's the music pouring and a symphony ♪
♪ They hold his eyes open ♪
♪ He says, "Oh, wow" ♪
♪ Portrayed excellently by Malcolm McDowell ♪
♪ In the movie ♪
♪ Banned in the UK ♪
♪ Last thing, it's a food what you say ♪
♪ I'm gonna mix up a batter ♪
♪ Have a natter with my Nana ♪
♪ Put it in the oven 50 minutes ♪
♪ Never goes to plan ♪
♪ Because the fact I cook it ♪
♪ And it's not hot enough ♪
♪ It doesn't rise high ♪
♪ It's rotten off the edges ♪
♪ It looks like a flat pancake ♪
♪ Any Yorkshire man would know that mistake ♪
♪ You gotta put the oven up ♪
♪ To the highest temperature ♪
♪ Get the heat like we're dropping rhymes in here ♪
♪ I like to eat that food ♪
♪ Keep myself good looking ♪
♪ Because there's very few calories ♪
♪ In the Yorkshire pudding ♪
(audience cheering)