i was a medical student in new york city
and started in 2005 and in 2006 i'm not clear on the exact time had a profound psychotic break
didn't know that it happened to me i was too psychotic i had childhood trauma
i had a lot of childhood trauma and med school was stressful and the people i was closest to
were dying you know my grandmother who was like my purest love unconditional
relationship and my parents were lovely people but grandma was like she was dying
and then i think i really actually broke after she died i think i couldn't process the grief
and my life fell to shreds you know i went from being
functional obviously and i'm a med student crashed into debt
very very painful you know confused time in life i mean it's it's a pretty horrible place to live um
i was 26 maybe and started to claw my way out of it
probably around 2012 reading various spiritual texts and about energy and
it's weird because i was a complete atheist and i believed in nothing um science guy
and i was desperate enough to try anything and i started to put the pieces of some semblance
of a self back together but i had no idea what was wrong with me but i was very very sick i mean like
extremely self-destructive and in 2014 i had i guess you could call it a mystical
experience bizarre for me because again i come from a science world where i felt surrounded by
just these very loving angelic beings for several hours and i went in the room next door and started
sobbing and i said out loud oh my god i've had a psychotic break therapy deeper movement into
these spiritual healings i i got back to life i got back to the place where i could function i
didn't really tell many people this had happened to me because now i knew i didn't want people to
know slowly got back in school for a little while started working again slowly and it got
better and better and it got to the point where you didn't dig too deep i looked pretty normal
but i would fight my mind all the time every minute of every day
that part wanted to take over so walking meditation here at the joe dispenza retreat
filling my body up with energy the way you're shown to
which is wonderfully scientific it works my science brain i'm using breath and motion
and i remember dr joe saying that the suprachiasmatic nucleus it's a organ in the brain
that processes light and makes serotonin but he mispronounced it he said super charismatic nucleus
and i thought in the moment he said that that's not random i should listen to that
i was walking and i sort of just listened to my own brain and it said you know this nucleus
makes serotonin in response to visible light but ecstasy mdma the drug which i've never done
also works through a serotonin axis maybe if you stimulate this with pure love it will make ecstasy
so as an experiment i saw the light as love i felt it go in here touch that
region of the brain and something popped inside of my mind and i felt ecstasy wandering around
the beach feeling literal ecstasy heart opening if the drug affects us there's a receptor and there's
an endogenous analog right so i knew enough i was like okay something in me can produce this i don't
know exactly is it endorphins is it in keflan is a pure serotonin regulation i don't know exactly
what blend of neurochemistry gives rise to mdma's drug effects but i know it must have endogenous
analogs and i i proved that to myself and then i did it again and it was like insane there's a
piece to the story i haven't told yet my my best friend in the world who passed away a few years
ago was possibly the smartest human ever met on planet earth he was at harvard doing his phd and
had a total schizophrenic break and again this was weird for me but i literally felt him come to me
and i knew that i had taken on somehow what had happened to him
i wanted to save him and i felt terrible that i'd maybe abandon him as a friend
i felt him love me i felt him forgive me i felt something like a massive shadow
rip out of my body i think i was spasming on the sand at this point and i put myself
and and i felt him touch my shoulder and i just knew he was okay and we always talked about
what we would do to change the world together and he said you carry the torch now
so i get up and i'm feeling really good and i've learned enough from joe to know there's always
something new that's awesome that's possible so i sort of was like you know i just want
something awesome to happen right now and i said that in my heart this guy walks up to me with a
blondish brown beard and glasses and bushy brown hair which is exactly how brian looked and says
hi i'm brian and i just lose it and i'm like and i tell him the story and i get to the part where
he was at harvard and had a schedule he was like oh i went to harvard you cannot make this stuff up
so a couple hours later i'm sitting in a chair and i start walking
and i say to myself something's something's weird what the hell is going on something's wrong
and i i go to wrestle my mind into shape and i realize there's nothing to wrestle for the
first time in 15 years the part of my mind that broke shattered me destroyed my life
physical health shattered has also healed it's just quiet quiet today and it feels
normal it feels like no big deal it's it's like a movie i watched not a life i lived
so that's pretty wow and i wanted to share that one because
like my gosh that is possible