(loud music)
That was, without a doubt, a life-changing night.
We started out last night as roommates, but we finished it like brothers.
Dude, the bonds that were formed last night will stand the test of time.
I never thought that I would go windsurfing and have a black bear
lick honey off my belly. And sing the entire Les Misérables song,
"Who Am I?", pitch perfectly, let alone all at the same time.
I never thought I'd see you win a hot dog eating contest,
a pie eating contest, and a Spam eating contest--all in one sitting.
And yet, tonight...the champion.
(medal clatters)
That was one hell of a night and I'm proud to say that you are my best friend.
Oh, stop it.
Come on!
In one night, you saved my life by performing the Heimlich maneuver
on me when I swallowed that bee. You sucked the poison
out of my backside, after urinating all over it
when that rattlesnake bit me. And then you took 12 bullets for me
when we got caught up in that gang war.
They completely downplay how painful bullets really are.
And who could forget when you snuck into that Civil War reenactment
and knocked out one of the actors, who actually turned out to be
the FBI's number four most wanted fugitive,
leading directly to his arrest and having the mayor give you
the key to the city!
What am I supposed to do with this anyway?
Who cares!
- That was one hell of a night. - One hell of a night.
Oh sh--!
It's Monica! [bleep]
[bleep]
You think she saw me? [bleep]! I think she saw me.
Come on, man!
After all we've been through, and you can't say a word
to your number one crush of all time?
I mean, you've lived next door to her for three years, man!
It's time to make a move.
Absolutely not, man.
Look, I'm a boney freak and she is a goddess.
I won't ever talk to her.
Dude, on any other night I would agree with you.
You're a vile, weird-looking, boney little freak.
But you know what?
This is a sign.
After a night that you run a marathon while carrying the young child
on your back that needed to get to the hospital
that was precisely 26 miles away at the finish line.
Little Billy's gonna make it. I know it.
But Monica is out of my league.
You still feel that way after a night where we partied so hard
with the Prime Minister of the Netherlands, Mark Rutte,
that he gave us every single secret the Dutch has to offer.
We had to have your brain wiped so we wouldn't be executed for treason.
I don't remember that.
So you're tellin' me that after a night where we discovered
that flowing from your nipples is not milk, but is actually the best
tasting beer we have ever had in our lives!
And we believed in that product so much, that we contacted Kevin O'Leary
from Shark Tank and sold the company to him for $3 million!
My nipple's still a little sore.
Those sore nipples...have the best tasting beer I've ever put my lips to.
Hell of a beer. Hell of a night!
A night where aliens from the planet Zebulon
beamed us up to their ship and gave us the power of the birds.
(hawk cry)
You're telling me that after all that, you can't go up to your goddess
and make her your girlfriend?
All right. All right.
Uh...I'm finally gonna do it. I'm gonna ask her out.
A great ending to one hell of a night!
Not just one hell of a night. The perfect night.
Wait...
- Hey! - Hey, how's it going?
Oh, great. Listen, Monica.
I gotta get some stuff off my chest. So we've been neighbors
for the past three years and I've gotten to kinda love
the little things that make you you. Like the way you walk
and the way you smile. Even the way you say things like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
Um, so I just had the most unforgettable night of my life
and I feel like the only way I can top it is to...well...
Wow, are you--you're finally asking me out, huh?
Uh...(nervous chuckle) Uh, what do you mean, "Finally".
You knew how I felt?
No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get upset.
This is actually a great thing. I've been wanting you to come talk to me.
I mean, to be honest, when we first met
I always kinda thought that you were a boney, vile, freak man.
And you always kinda seemed like the guy in those movies who love
the girl, but never say anything, and we never have a chance.
And I kinda always hoped that one day you'd have such a crazy night
that you'd finally get the guts to ask me to be your girlfriend.
Uh...wait.
You want to be my girlfriend, like right away?
Yeah, I'd like that.
- Really? - Yeah!
- Really? - Yeah.
WOW! Yes! Yes!
You did it, Rick! Whooooo!
Okay, Monica. I promise to be good to you
and love you, and this relationship is gonna be so great,
you won't know what hit you.
(screams)
(hawk cry)