-
I don't-- I don't think we can."
I'm like, "Why?" And she goes, "I think--
I think my vagina's too small."
And first off, that's fucked up.
Like, all you have to say is,
"I think your dick is too big."
[laughter]
[dark electronic music]
- [gagging]
♪
[electronic whirring]
[alarm blaring]
♪
[explosion booms]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir.
Tonight all the stories are about disasters.
[cheers and applause]
You know him from the "Nerd of Mouth" podcast.
Please give it up for Mr. Mike Lawrence, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
♪
- I'm gonna talk for a second about my hands.
They're glistening.
I have the worst handshake ever.
You want to shake my hand?
Is that not the most disgusting handshake
you've ever felt in your life, right?
I have Edward Jizzerhands.
They are disgusting.
And the reason why is,
I am perpetually nervous and terrified,
because my experiences with women,
growing up, were awful.
I'm first gonna tell you about the first time
I ever said "I love you."
It was in an AOL chat room,
of course.
Ba-duh.
My screen name was Poetic15,
because I was a poetic 15-year-old,
and I wanted the world to knows it.
And also, AOL rejected my first screen name,
TheJizzBlossoms.
[laughter]
And I'm in this chat room.
I'm spouting my poems,
and this girl, IguanaLover69, comes in,
which is just proof she's better
than the first 68 iguana lovers,
and she's like, "Hey, I like your poems."
I'm like, "Why don't we move this to a private chat?"
[singing funk tune]
And I realize that sounds
more like a Seinfeld-based guitar,
and less like an erotic-based guitar.
"Hey, girl, let's fuck."
[imitating Seinfeld riff]
[laughter]
So we're in this private chat. I'm like, "What are you into?"
She's like, "Poetry." I'm like, "Me too.
Like, what else?" She's like, "Comic books."
I'm like, "Me too.
Who's your favorite superhero?"
She's like, "Batman." I'm like, "Me too.
So obscure."
Then I'm like, "Is there anything else you're into?"
She's like, "You and your smile,"
and I'm like, "I love you."
27 minutes in. It was time-stamped.
And I was like, "Why don't we meet up
at a coffee shop sometime?"
She's like, "Why don't I meet you at your place?
At 164 Paradise Way."
I'm like, "How do--how do you know where I live?"
She's like, "I know many things about you,
including your father's credit card information."
So then I have to type out "Oh, my God,"
because "OMG" hadn't been invented yet.
Rough times.
And...
I bring in my dad.
He is furious.
My dad cancels all of his credit cards.
30 minutes later, we get a knock at the door.
It's my brother, and he just goes,
"IguanaLover69, bitches."
[laughter, applause]
I was incestuously chat-fished.
[laughter]
And the worst thing about this was,
me and my brother were never close growing up
because I thought he never understood me as a person,
and in the 27 minutes
I talked to IguanaLover69,
he said everything I ever wanted
to hear someone say.
[laughter]
And that is the worst possible feeling,
to realize that your brother is a fucking douche bag
but an incredible listener.
[laughter]
And so I was 15 when that happened,
and I was traumatized, and at that point,
I was like, "I just want to find real love
"attached to a real, actual person
that isn't my brother,"
and it happened a few months later.
And I--I met a girl named Beth,
and we started to go out,
and we're sitting on a pickup truck
one day, making out.
This was Florida. That's how you dos.
And she was like, you know.
She was like, "This is great," and I'm like, "Yeah, it is,"
and I'm like, "So--so when are we gonna do it?"
'Cause that's what people say before they do.
You know, "getting busy," "do it."
No one who's actually fucking says those things,
just horny teenagers.
And she was like, "I don't like the idea
of something inside me,"
and I was like, "Okay, that sounds great.
Let's stay together,"
and we did, for six more years.
We never had sex once.
Now, the weirdest part about this
is being able to look at these women
and just see them go, "Yeah, I could believe that.
I completely understand."
Wait, isn't she the protagonist now?
I know, it was a--it was a-- it was a tough thing.
It--that is not a good combination
when one person's prudish
and the other is respectful.
That never works out.
So I'm gonna talk you through the years
of our relationship.
We started in 2000, 2001.
'Cause I always believed that it would happen.
I was like, "This is gonna fuckin' happen."
2001, got my hand over the right boob,
over the shirt.
2002, under the shirt.
Yeah!
2003, left boob.
Even let me get both in at the same time.
It was amazing.
Like, she basically, like, made me, like,
explore the boobs in installments.
Like, she "Kill Bill"-ed me on the boobs.
She was like, "I could release this as one,
"but, you know what, I'm gonna make him wait for it
and make more money."
That marketing genius.
So--and that's the thing.
It's like, I got to the first base,
but I think, like, I don't think, like,
I--I hit to first base.
I think, like, I-- I was walked there.
You know?
Like, I got there on a technicality
when it takes that long.
2004, finally,
I get to--I get to touch under the panties.
She--she touches my dick for the first time.
Now, this is the thing.
It didn't get hard at all,
because at that point, it was like
an old man waiting in the DMV who just believed
his number was never gonna be called at all.
"Oh, wait, it is me? Oh, shit.
What am I here for again?"
[laughter]
And so I'm touching around the--the--the pantie region,
and the thing you must know about this girl, Beth,
is that her father lived next door--
in the room next door,
even though her parents had divorced.
He was just, like, a sad man
who listened to one song
and would sing it out loud,
because it helped him reconcile with the divorce,
and that song was "A Long December"
by the Counting Crows.
And I need to believe-- and I have no proof of this,
but I need to believe that the moment
that she pulled the pantie aside
so that I could stick my finger in
after four years of being with her
is the moment in the song where Adam Duritz goes...
♪ Yeah
[laughter]
And it was an amazing feeling.
I didn't see--I was like--
like, we were both on the bed,
like, looking like this, you know,
like, looking through, like, a kid's pillowcase
for trick-or-treat candy,
and all you pull out is Tootsie Rolls.
You're like, "I wanted real food."
And then it was like, so--
so we're gonna-- we're gonna have sex now.
She's like, "Yeah, let's try it."
So we go-- we go to the pharmacy,
and I send her in to buy the condoms.
I can't buy condoms, because-- I mean, look at me.
Like, I feel so bad for that cashier
that would have to imagine me having sex.
Like, she's making $8.75 an hour.
She doesn't want to also have to deal with--
[groans]
[laughter]
So she goes in.
She buys a 12-pack of condoms.
I was like, "Why did you buy a 12-pack?
That's pretty optimistic." She's like, "It was on sale."
I'm like, "Oh, that's why we've been together."
[laughter]
We go--we go home,
and I'm literally, like, I--
I try to--to put it in,
and she's like, "No, I don't--
I don't--I don't think we can." I'm like, "Why?"
And she goes, "I think-- I think my vagina's too small."
And first off, that's fucked up.
Like, all you have to say is,
"I think your dick is too big."
[laughter]
I get to feel great about myself,
and I'm still not gonna fuck you,
because I'm not an awful person,
and I'm just like, "Watch out, ladies.
"It's 'Excalibur.'
Who is worthy?"
So we just sit there the rest--
the rest of the day,
and we last together for-- for one more year.
We try to spice things up one more time.
It was January 14th, my birthday,
2005.
She buys erotic dice.
She's like, "Let's--let-- let's try something different."
You guys--you guys know erotic dice?
So it's two dice, always.
One dice is, like, a verb, and it's always, like,
"peruse" or "tickle,"
and the other is a body part like
"earlobe" or "tummy."
Like, they--they--they sound like they're all, like,
manufactured by a Midwestern couple
who hasn't touched each other at all in years.
"Let's peruse the tummy,
don't you know," you know?
"We're more frigid than the winters in Minnesota."
So I--I roll the dice,
and I get "lick inner thigh,"
and I'm like, "Yeah."
I'm excited, 'cause you know, I--I never--
[stammering] I never saw her vagina,
and I'm like, "I'm gonna finally fuckin' see it."
And she goes, "Yeah, sure,
but I'm not taking my jeans off."
[laughter]
And I proceeded to go
down and rough in that corduroy muff.
[mumbling] I was like, "This is--
this is pretty good, you know, this is."
I had 100% cotton mouth.
And...
as I'm doing it, she's like, "You know what?
"I don't think this is gonna work.
We should break up,"
and then I have to lift my head above, like...
[mumbling] "Are you sure about that?
We deserve to be more than friends."
And we--we--we-- we broke up,
and that always bothered me, the fact--
I'd never-- I never saw her vagina.
Six years in, some of this, some of that,
never saw her vagina.
So, after six years,
her vagina became, like,
Wilson from "Home Improvement" to me.
[laughter]
There were glimpses of it,
but because I never got to truly see it for what it was,
I gave it a power and wisdom it didn't deserve.
[laughter]
By the end, I didn't even want to eat her out.
I just wanted to seek guidance, you know?
So the epilogue to this is--
so we broke up.
I called her about a month later
to see how she was doing.
She was like, "Yeah, I've had sex.
It's pretty good." I'm like, "What?"
She's like, "Remember all those times I said that it was--
"it was me and not you?
I think it was you the whole time."
And I was like, "All right," and I was upset,
but then I was like, "You know what, though?
I'm gonna-- I'm gonna one-up you."
So I went on the dating website "PlentyOfFish."
It's a dating website named
for one of Jesus' lesser superpowers.
[laughter]
And I was like, "I'm gonna find myself a woman
who's seen some things."
I found--
found a woman named Gladys.
That is an out-of-model person.
The Gladys factory hasn't produced new product
in over 35 years.
There's just an old man outside
like, "No one goes in the Gladys factory."
Her name--her name was Gladys. It was intense.
Like, she fuckin'-- she was crazy.
She--she sat on my face,
which after not seeing a vagina for six years,
and then just seeing too much vagina.
It'd be like if your first movie
was all four Michael Bay "Transformers" movies.
Nothing at all-- too much!
She was-- she was intense--
she, like, smacked my balls.
She was, like, she slobbered.
She was like, "Does Baby want some?"
And you know what, like, it was crazy at the time,
but it was perfect, because at that point,
I was like, "You know what?
"I'm not just gonna lose my virginity.
I'm going to throw it away."
Thank you so much, guys.
♪