News. There is a lot of news. And it's happening.
Justice Souter is retiring.
There's a swine flu pandemic. People are turning into pigs.
Michele Obama: she's wearing a cardigan.
- You know, Joe the plumber is making headlines... - He says they are called queer for a reason.
(lots of talking)
Joe the plumber, I think he's really shiny.
I mean his head. I wanna touch it.
You guys, this is not making any sense at all.
- Can we please just sing about it? - And I mean, they know where I stand...
I think this is an ignoramus statement. Umm, I was even a person who thought...
You know what, power to Joe the Plumber at that point.
Before he went around layin his pipe all over town.
Well, Joe the Plumber is not invited anywhere around me.
Does baby need a tissue? (tissue)
Thinking about the time the plumber kissed you. (kissed you)
Before you caught him creeping with the Shih Tzu. (Shih Tzu)
As republicans, the party does seem to be in chaos.
They need to change their attitude. (Eh) Attitude. (Oohh)
Their attitude. (Eeehh) Attitude. (Oohh)
Ay, tell us what your homeys can do to make a change.
They talk about personal freedoms; they have to believe in it, you know.
(We know!) To believe in it, you know.
We know! We know, we know, we know you just got to believe.
You know... (We know!)
To believe in it, you know. (We know!)
To belieeeeeeeeeve! Lieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!
You sayin Republicans on crack. Are you cozy with the Democrats?
I just don't think that either party right now offers a whole lot.
You'll see some real change from the 3rd party at my house.
Poppin champagne, bacardi; gettin crunked out.
Triple rhymin with Joe Biden while we imbibin Hennessy.
Come on over. Drinks on me, homey.
- We'll be friends with you. - And bff with you.
- Main Damies with you. - And colleagues with you.
- I'll be in your crew. - I'll be in yours, too.
- Jumpin rope with you. - Playin Donkey Kong with you.
- Hatchin plans with you. - Invade Tajikistan with you.
We do not believe either Afghanistan or Pakistan can achieve lasting progress
without the full participation of all of your citizens,
including women and girls.
- Having a barbecue. - Grilling a goat with you.
- Grilling terrorists, too. - Getting matching tattoos.
The rights of women must be respected and protect--
- Picking flowers with you. - Hot showers with you.
- Falling in love with you. - Nude at the zoo.
Making memories at the pottery wheel, rubbing clay on you all afternoon. (Oh!)
It would be one of the most dramatic foreign policy about faces ever.
To what do you refer, shawtayee?
A bipartisan bill in Congress would end the 47-year-old trade freeze with Cuba.
Ojalá congreso le gusta esta.
It has only spotty support so far,
but President Obama's already taken some baby steps
letting Cuban Americans visit family members and send them money.
But for most of us it's still a place that is strictly off limits.
Not for this G. I just went there illegally.
Speaking of which, will you buy drugs from me on national TV?
Don't fret. The people think I'm joking. But guess what? (what?)
I've never joked in my life; ooh-wee, shawtayee.
The trade embargo made sense a half century ago. (that's 50 years)
During the Cold War Fidel Castro took sides with the enemy,
but the Soviet Union is long gone. (Disbanded)
Long gooooone. (Disbanded) Long gooooone! (Disbanded)
(Disbanded) The Soviet Union is long gooooone!
Dick Cheney. Rush Limbaugh or Colin Powell. Who's your damie?
Well, if I had to choose, uh...
In terms of being a Republican I'd go with Rush Limbaugh.
My take on it was Colin had already left the party.
I don't think that actually happened. [awkward silence]
This is an awkward silence; I guess I'll fill it with ad libs...
Ooohh! Ooh oh oohh! Shawty!
- Now it's up to Fidel and Raúl Castro. - Esos Castros locos. Cuidado.
President Obama says he wants to see Democratic reforms;
particularly on human rights and free speech. (free speech)
So congress will be looking for signs of change...
...after almost 50 years. (Ay, that's half a century)
U.S. policy will not reverse overnight; relations remain chilly.
But for the 1st time in generations, a thaw is possible.
A thaw, but what sort of thaw? What exactly is thawing?
Very, very, very, very very thin ice.
Very thin ice, very thin ice, very thin ice!
Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news) Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news)
Everything sounds better auto-tuned!
Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news) Auto-Tune the News (auto-tune the news)
Everything sounds better auto-tuned!