( LAUGHTER ) HEY, SPEAKING OF SNACK CAKES,
DID YOU GUYS CATCH THE SUPER BOWL LAST NIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WOW.
THEN YOU'RE BETTER AT CATCHING THINGS THAN TOM BRADY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S TRUE.
IT WAS A HUGE SHOWDOWN BETWEEN THE DEFENDING CHAMPION NEW
ENGLAND PATRIOTS AND THE UNDERDOG PHILADELPHIA EAGLES.
OF COURSE, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHO WON.
JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THE STREETS OF PHILADELPHIA LAST NIGHT.
( SHOUTING ) >> Stephen: IT'S HARD TO TELL
FROM THAT, BUT THAT WAS A SCREAMING INFERNO OF JOY.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS SO MUCH FIRE AND
CRYING, FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT I WAS WATCHING "THIS IS US."
>> Jon: OH!
OH!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT REAL PEOPLE!
ALL OF THOSE ACTORS ARE ALIVE!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT EVEN A CBS SHOW.
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE PEOPLE OF
PHILADELPHIA WEREN'T SATISFIED WITH JUST TAKING DOWN THE NEW
ENGLAND PATRIOTS, THEY ALSO TOOK DOWN THEIR LONG TIME NEMESIS:
PHILADELPHIA.
( LAUGHTER ) EAGLES FANS HAVE A HISTORY OF
EXTREME CELEBRATION.
DURING THEIR FIRST PLAYOFF WIN THIS YEAR, ONE FAN WAS ARRESTED
AFTER PUNCHING A POLICE HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE HORSE WAS FINE.
HE WAS LISTED IN STABLE CONDITION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO THE COPS WERE PREPARED FOR
PHILADELPHA-GEDDON.
A FEW WEEKS AGO, TO KEEP FANS FROM CLIMBING STREET LIGHTS,
THEY GREASED THEM WITH CRISCO.
AND WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK, THEY STEPPED IT UP TO WATERPROOF
HYDRAULIC FLUID.
SO, LET'S SEE HOW THINGS WORKED OUT FOR THESE NOW-INVULNERABLE
POLES.
"IN YOUR FACE, TOM BRADY!
LET'S GO DROP THESE ON A HORSE!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND IT KEPT GOING ALL NIGHT.
FANS SURFED POLICE VANS, DID TRUST FALLS OFF THE AWNING OF
THE RITZ CARLTON UNTIL IT COLLAPSED, AND SCALED THE GATES
OF CITY HALL AND THEN ATTEMPTED TO CLIMB INTO THE EAGLES
STADIUM.
JUST SO FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS GOING
TO HAPPEN, THE SUPER BOWL HAD ADS AGAIN
THIS YEAR.
VERIZON RAN ONE SHOWING HOW FIRST RESPONDERS USE THEIR
NETWORK TO COMMUNICATE, ENDING WITH THE SLOGAN "THEY ANSWER THE
CALL, OUR JOB IS TO MAKE SURE THEY GET IT."
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT A FIRST RESPONDER, THEY HAD A SLOGAN FOR
YOU TOO: "HERE'S A PICTURE OF MY PENIS.
WANT TO COME OVER?" ( LAUGHTER )
OKAY.
SAME REACTION AS THIS IS THE US THING.
OKAY.
THERE WAS ALSO AN AD FOR "SCIENTOLOGY, WHICH ENCOURAGED
PEOPLE TO GOOGLE "SCIENTOLOGY."
AH, SCIENTOLOGY, HAVE YOU GOOGLED SCIENTOLOGY?
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULDN'T ENCOURAGE THAT.
IT'S LIKE O.J. SIMPSON SAYING "NO, REALLY.
I'M A FAMOUS FOOTBALL PLAYER.
GOOGLE O.J. SIMPSON!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AT ONE POINT, VIEWERS WERE CONFUSED WHEN, DURING THE SUPER
BOWL ADS, THE FEED WENT DARK FOR ALMOST 30 SECONDS.
WHICH I'M ASSUMING WAS AN AD FOR THE HUNGERING DARKNESS THAT WILL
ONE DAY CONSUME US ALL, REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS THE SUPER
BOWL.
( LAUGHTER ) JIM, CAN WE SEE SOME FOOTAGE OF
THAT BLACK SCREEN?
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
YEAH.
MM-HMM.
THAT WAS PERFECT.
WE DON'T HAVE THE CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE FOOTBALL TO SHOW
THAT.
SHOW IT AGAIN.
SHOW IT ONE MORE TIME.
YEAH, UP YOURS, MAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL AD OF
THE NIGHT WAS A DODGE RAM COMMERCIAL THAT USED A SERMON OF
MARTIN LUTHER KING.
>> IF YOU WANT TO BE IMPORTANT, WONDERFUL.
IF YOU WANT TO BE RECOGNIZED, WONDERFUL!
IF YOU WANT TO BE GREAT, WONDERFUL!
BUT RECOGNIZE THAT HE WHO IS GREATEST AMONG YOU SHALL BE YOUR
SERVANT.
THAT'S THE NEW DEFINITION OF GREATNESS.
YOU ONLY NEED A HEART FULL OF GRACE, A SOUL GENERATED BY LOVE.
>> STEPHEN: NOW THAT SOUNDS INAPPROPRIATE UNTIL YOU
REMEMBER THAT DR. KING WAS AWARDED J.D. POWER AND
ASSOCIATES' BEST MIDSIZE HUMANITARIAN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND INITIAL CUSTOMER
SATISFACTION, I BELIEVE, IS WHAT HE GOT.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS AD IS PART OF A WHOLE
NEW CAMPAIGN FOR DODGE.
>> DR. KING SAID HE'D BEEN TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP AND WHAT BETTER
WAY TO GET THERE THAN DODGE RAM'S POWERFUL FOUR WHILE DRIVE
AND MULTILINK SUSPENSION.
FOR IT WAS THE DALAI LAMA THAT SAID THE PURPOSE OF OUR LIVES
STOP HAPPY, LIKE THE HAPPINESS THAT COMES FROM THE 6.4 LITTER
HEMIENGINE.
JOAN OF ARC, WE DON'T KNOW IF SHE LOVED DODGE RAM'S
INFOTAINMENT DISPLAY BUT WHO IS TO SAY SHE DIDN'T.
STHE CABIN IS BIG ENOUGH TO MAKE OUT IN.
HERE'S A SOLDIER WITH HIS CHILD IN THE DOG IF THAT DIDN'T WORK.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
CLAIRE DANES IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I SHARE SOME OF MY PRIVATE CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND.