What are your icks?
You know like when your guy is with his boys and he's like the side man of the group?
Don't kill me.
I don't like guys who just constantly talk about themselves like, oh my gosh it’s so cringe.
Hi, I'm Tonye Mak, Director, Filmmaker and Storyteller.
Amongst my peers the narratives around dating
have felt really toxic and negative of late.
So, I wanted to create a space to have fun, honest and grounded conversations.
It's time to change the story.
This is Dating Black.
So, what do you guys think about dating apps?
What are your thoughts on those?
Listen, I'm all for dating apps you know.
Really?
Yeah, like I think it's important. And the reason why I say it's important because like,
I think it's important to experience lots of different ways to date,
whether that be through friends, mutual friends,
whether that be just your circle of friends, whether that be online dating.
I think they're fine, honestly. Yeah, I really think they’re fine.
Realistically, you're going to get like, older people that are still single, like,
I actually personally know, like 40 slash going on 50 year olds that are still single,
that do actually need dating apps because they're not as confident
to go out and approach someone because if you're older,
so I'm just focused on the older side but actually matters.
If you're older, you're not gonna know if someone
is already married or has kids or might not be exactly what you want for your age.
Really?
Unless you’re a certain character and even like
What kind of character?
And even like my friends who are like,
I would say, ideal characters for dating apps still struggle.
I think you need to be very strong and I think you need to have like a - the mentality of,
I can date you and it won't work, or I can date you and it won’t work.
I think if you go into it thinking the first person I match with and have a conversation with,
we have to end up - and it's like, it’s supposed to be an experience.
I met my partner on a dating app.
He always says that he's going to tell our kids that,
he's gonna tell them a completely different made up story and...
You guys need to get your story straight then, you need to work on it.
Yeah.
I think they can be good. It just kind of depends on like, how you are like, for me personally,
it didn't really work because I'm just quite lazy when it comes to,
dating in general. Do you know what I mean? So I think,
having because you have to put in the work do you know what I mean?
You have to show you're interested, you have to respond to messages.
So, during lockdown, I was considering - I got I downloaded the app,
I filled in all the details and got to the bit where you have to put in your picture and I said
‘Hell fuck no man’. For some people to be like ‘Hemah, I saw you’.
The thing is, it's not like I think like I'm too known for this,
however, just the, it's just like, it just felt like, too exposed.
I just think it opens up a new perspective of you might have meet someone you would never have,
you would have never crossed paths with, do you get me? And I feel like especially for me,
where I'm going to the same events, I’m seeing the same people,
I probably know the same crowd like so the likelihood of me meeting different men is quite unlikely.
The boys in our group convo literally gassing us like ‘Nah just make one dah dah dah...
there’s Black people on there.' I was like, 'What?'
I think that’s what it was with the dating apps.
When Black people started getting on it,
that’s when people were on it, do you know what I mean?
If I’m online and I use a dating app, then, some Hispanic boy might pop me up
and I'm like, you get me, like 'Okay like, what’s good?'
He was like one of the first people that I started talking to and then he asked for my number
and I was like, 'No' 'cause I'm like, just joining this dating app,
I don't really know how things work, I thought it was a bit early,
you got to like, you got to graft a little bit, do you know I mean?
Yeah.
And then I said 'no' and then he was like, 'Fine.' And then he like, just disappeared.
I was talking to other guys, but the convo wasn't really
Convo’ing.
It wasn't poppin do you know what I mean? And then I deleted it.
And then I came back on it and then he - he basically matched with me again and then he's like, oh
started talking and then like when he wasn't like responding I started feeling a bit like oh, why is he airing me?
I started feeling a little bit of a way about it do you know what I mean? And then
Then you gave him your number.
I gave him my number, yeah.
What gives you the ick? Like what, yeah. What are your icks?
You know like when your your guy is with his boys and he's like the side man of the group?
Don’t kill me.
So like say for example like one time like there was like a bunch of guys
and they all get into a car and they're told ‘Oh nah, you you get in the back’.
Not my man, my man don’t sit in the back.
Body odour, bad hygiene, breath, everything.
I don't like guys who just constantly talk about themselves like oh my gosh is so cringe.
Like no offence to men that sit in the back, do your ting. I'm just saying that like being the side man of the group,
it just like... I love respected guys init and not saying that if you're in the
back you're disrespected but if they tell you ‘Nah you sit in the back’,
just don't come and think you can chat to me when we get home fam.
I run things in the house now.
Dirty nails.
Dirty nails? Okay.
If I see a man with that - I feel sick, like, I can't do it.
Seeing the little crack the bum crack just a little bit.
Frances, you’re being very petty.
Just the little bit. I don't mind seeing the whole thing
but just seeing the little bit like, I do - like the builders bum. I don't like that.
I always look at a guys creps. Like, if your crep game…
if your crep game is like, rah, like come on.
But I think you can kind of tell, like, when he's just having a bad day.
Guys who place all their value and their attention on just getting girls.
I think that gives me the ick like, I don't like guys who like they do everything because of women.
They're making money because they want to impress women.
But I don't like guys who like, adhere to like gender roles so like ‘Can you cook?
Can you, so what you saying’ - Don't do that.
So, do you guys have a forever love? Like that person that you'll always love
even if you're not with them, but you're heart is just, you know?
God forbid, what kind of bondage?
I feel like I'm always gonna love my boyfriend.
Okay.
Even if, like it doesn't work out.
So when you're married with someone else you're still gonna love him?
I mean, like, I think love is like.
Eternal.
This is like awkward 'cause do you see the way she just framed that question?
If you marry someone else you’re still gonna be...
It seems like you have one because you’re quiet.
Feck.
Yes, no I do. Yeah, I'll say so. Don't be looking at me like that.
Basically, my friend sent me a meme, like, a couple months ago,
that was like 'Your friend will say she hasn't got a man but she'll have about seven
soul ties' yeah and when she sent that, to me, I was like, proper triggered.
Sorry.
Yeah, I was proper triggered because I was thinking, do you know what, like, with me,
obviously, I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time.
But there are men out there who I’ve dated and have really strong bonds and connections with.
I do have a forever love and he is - you know, Andre 3000 - ‘The Prototype’?
I think that he is that and so much about him,
I now need from a relationship that I'll go from that I go, that I get in the future,
not to say I compare him to every other guy. But there's just a standard.
And there's such things I've enjoyed that I'm not gonna let go of, basically.
I look it is more like, this is, I will just always love you for like what we had and how great that
was and so because of that, I would want a love similar to that in certain ways.
I think love is a proper commitment, you know, like, you can't, in my opinion
you can't say you love someone if there's no commitment attached, like,
there needs to be some sort of commitment there for you to say that you love someone.
I think yours is very different from most other people's because that's why I said 'bondage.'
Because a lot of times yours is actually quite positive,
Very.
It’d be other situations where like, the relationship was horrible,
he was horrible to you but you’re still attached.
Yeah, that’s why I said bondage because that's not really like a
Yeah.
Like, what are you -
I hope a lot more people have this kind of experience though.
Yeah, yours is a lot more, like
I feel like, God forbid, like, you would also have that.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Yeah.
Do you guys date exclusively Black?
Yeah.
For me, I will only date Black men, like I wouldn't date outside of my race.
And that might be a problem for some but I, like, I would even say that I would
rather date Nigerian men because I'm Nigerian but I probably won’t limit it.
African men. That's my thing. Basically.
You’ll never know like how important dating Black to you is until you don't date Black.
And I have tried to date outside my race before.
The thing is, it's not going to be the same with every guy who isn't Black,
however, just the, the conversations that I would constantly need to have with him about certain things.
Like he'll say something and I'm like, ‘Okay cool right so let me explain to you about this.'
And he’ll say something. I'm like, Oh my God, I don't know if I can do this every day.
Do you know what I mean?
I just want to have like Black kids, them to have Black kids and them to see that
we can pass things and culture and wealth through our generation.
It's my preference. But the older I get, the more I'm not closed off.
Even though most of my friends generally think that it's like a myth.
The idea of it, it wouldn't work.
Even like the accents I do having to be like ‘oh sorry, you won't get that’, is a thing.
I’ve dated a Turkish guy before I can't remember his name.
It was weird. Like we would walk down the street, we would be getting like stared at.
Wow.
And then it just went south and whatever.
But he was very, he was gorgeous.
To be honest with you.
I grew up in Camden, so like, it's quite mixed anyway.
So like, I fancied bare different types of people.
I also don't feel that, you know, just because you are Black, you have to date Black
and I, and, you know, you see it online and all that kind of stuff.
And to certain people, their Blackness isn't so much of them.
Do you know what I mean? And there are some people raised them, you know,
multicultural areas that don't identify with their Blackness like that and feel like they're kind of pressured.
So for me, it's like, there's no pressure for anyone to date Black, you have to do what feels right for you.
What would you love to see change about the dating scene in the UK?
To be honest, I just want to see more of it, whether it be we're looking at like sports stars,
musicians, like, we always look at like, very like famous people to relationships.
And if we're looking at like the disparities,
they are quite big in terms of like just Black couples or young Black couples and stuff.
So when you see it's kind of like, ‘Oh my gosh, that's so nice.'
Because you know that you don't see it often.
I think more men need to go to like, networking events and dating events, like,
you know, there's actually events out there, do you know what I mean?
But it's usually the ratio, more girls to guys, why don't guys go?
I want more confidence in women like I want women to be more confident in like being able
to like approach men and just approach life and like things and what they want and going
after what they want and being a lot more direct about what you want,
being a lot more intentional, like have your list of things that you want.
And do you know what I mean? Like, go after that, that's my thing.
I don't feel like a lot, enough women are as direct as they should be.
Just for people just to be more open. Do you know what I mean? I think a lot of people have had like,
bad experiences and stuff and I just feel like in order to like experience love, you have to actually be open.
And you have to be open to the fact that this person that you're with could either be the love of your life
or your biggest heartbreak but you just have to take the risk.
I'd rather see such a like a plethora of different types of relationships that it doesn't come across as a surprise.
It's not like an anomaly, or it's not like ‘Oh my gosh, like he's got a Black girlfriend, can you believe it?’
It's just, normal.
And also like, men, I feel like need to just work on themselves a bit more.
And not just by chatting to their mates but actually like going to therapy and stuff and like talking through.
Having non-negotiables.
Oh absolutely.
‘Cause you can have your list but just have like certain non-negotiables that.
That are like, ‘cause I've seen a lot of friends go against that.
And they’ll be like ‘Oh but it doesn't matter.’
But then at the end of the road it’s like the biggest thing and it really doesn't matter.
It's a waste of time.
It'll make it easier to actually like meet someone that won't break your heart but I feel like
when you're holding all these things in, you just never, you can never meet anyone and ultimately,
deep down inside, we all just want to love and be loved, do you know what I mean? All of us,
you know and we just need to admit it and just try it out and see what happens.
And I just think that only happens once you've been healed and if you haven't been healed,
it's just never gonna happen and you're just missing out on the other side of what could be really nice.
I think for me like honesty across the board.
I think if men were more honest about what they wanted,
relationship hookup, good time, whatever and women were more -
women were more honest about relationship, good time kind of seeing whoever,
it would be a lot more like - people would get to where they wanted to go a lot quicker.
And I don't necessarily mean like being like, oh, I'm dating 10 people just being like, I'm dating right now.
Or I'm looking to settle down or I just want to have fun.
What do you love about dating Black men in the UK?
Sorry. I can’t help these funny questions.
Nah, why are people, there's too much laughing and sniggering going on, I don’t like it.
Do you know what it is? No one has ever asked me that.
Mad.
I just love Black people. So that in itself,
I just think is a beautiful thing to be able to experience like Black love,
do you know what I mean?
The right Black men in the UK, the mindset, the drive.
Dating Black men I think is nice because the culture aspects like,
I love that you can connect with someone because they have the same kind of culture as you like.
If you tell them a story, they can like, kind of connect
with you because they might have had a similar experience and stuff.
I will say this as someone who does love Black men when they are good,
they are amazing, like the best of them really are really good.
And that's why I've been able to have Black men as friends.
I actually don't need to half ass it when it comes to relationships
because I have Black men who are friends who go above and beyond to show up for me.
Tell me like routinely that they believe in me, encourage me.
The fact that I can talk about things that were on Channel U and we both get it,
we both grew up on the same freestyles.
We both grew up, you know, just in the same kind of environments.
So it's just so much that connects us.
It's the little things that remind me that Black men at their best can actually be great and as I
say that as well as a woman with two brothers who are Black men,
you know, when they show up for you, it is pretty amazing.
My boyfriend now is Ghanian, which is great,
because we're both Ghanian, we both speak Twi together it’s so cute
Wowe.
If people can see her friends faces right now, we’re just like.
It’s, I’m sorry but it’s cute. I’m sorry, it’s cute. It is cute.
That’s what I’m saying, the cultural connection.
It, like and like I'm so happy that the love of my life is a Ghanian man. I'm sorry, I love it.
We have a level of like relatability like, because obviously, well,
in my friendship groups, they'll be like 'We need to go American man like
that's where it's that.' Like, we joke about that but actually,
I feel like there is like a lot of cultural differences and so many things,
even when we've gone abroad and like went to the Caribbean,
it's like it's just not the same, like there's a level of like relatability and like,
alignment and vibe frequency that I feel like I get from guys in the UK,
Black guys in the UK, that I just, I don't experience anywhere else.
So even when it comes to things like traditional weddings and just tradition
and like respect, culture, like, it's no wahala, you know?
Humour like the same jokes, especially like, if you're from South London, I'm from South London.
It's like the south just lives within us.
I think Black men are really funny. Like, genuinely, I think their comedy's unmatched.
When you're bussing joke with them It's literally like rah.
Laughter, in bare different scenarios is such a good medicine, do you know what I’m saying?
If you're able to actually really laugh at that person, that's - it's almost the best gift.
And then they bring you in on new things that you didn't know and you take that to the next thing.
Do you know what I mean? So you take the, you know, the restaurant recommendation.
Now you take that to the new relationship and you’re like 'Wow.'
They're like, ‘Wow, you're so cultured’, and it's like, 'Thanks.'
If I can, I'm sticking with my Ghanaian king. Sorry.
Why is it so funny?
I can’t wait till he sees this!
Some of them are very beautiful. So.
Yeah.
I can always appreciate a very beautiful, good looking Black man, so.
And I also think when they're their own personal best,
not just from a transactional perspective because they're trying to date somebody
or they're trying to put their best foot forward to impress you,
when they're just genuinely trying to be their best selves,
that in itself can be quite inspirational for you.
Yo.
Can you follow on from that?
I don’t care who gets offended. The dating app ting is mad corny.
Yeah, like the way she cares about me in general. What?
Soft.
It is, it’s the truth. Yeah, man said soft.