From Marvel Studios...
The new logo's still going? Alright, I'll wait.
From.... Still going?
Alright, here it comes! From..
Maaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrvvveee-
Jeez, how long is this thing? Just cut it off. Nobody has time for that.
Great, now we're running behind. It's Thor...Thor Ragnarok.
After The Dark World, Marvel is back with a radical new formula for the Thor films:
NOT making them suck.
YES!!!!!
In an installment that trims all the dead weight off the franchise.
From his love interest,
Sorry to hear that Jane dumped you.
to his homeland,
to his friends you couldn't name with a gun to your head,
to his right eye,
to his dad,
his hair,
Dang, even his hammer?
They just trimmed all the weight off, huh?
It's like the whole franchise got on Hemsworth's steamed chicken diet.
Aaaaabs.
Meet Thor, God of Thunder, who despite being able to shoot lightning, from his hands,
spends most of the film getting electrocuted.
When Thor's father Luke Skywalkers himself into the afterlife,
his sister Hela, Goddess of Pointy Things, will return to claim the throne.
In an epic family feud that will make you wonder:
Are we sure Thor wasn't the adopted one?
Put him next to Hela, Loki and young Anthony Hopkins and tell me he's not the odd God out.
Thrill, as indie comedy director, Taika Waititi, takes the reins of a giant superhero movie.
Because when you're part of a $14 billion global franchise, YTF not?
Now it's out with the old, and in with the jokes.
Behold...
...my stuff.
Where boring exposition scenes get tagged by jokes...
I will tower over the mountains and bury my sword deep in Asgard-
Hang on.
Give it a second.
Badass moments get tagged by jokes.
You wanted to know who I am?
And even heart filled emotional beings get tagged by jokes.
Piss off, ghost!
Yeah, they overdo it sometimes.
But this is a movie where an orgy spaceship shoots fireworks over the Rainbow Bridge,
where Hulk fights a zombie wolf.
If you're mad it tries to make you laugh too, you're doing it wrong.
Follow Thor's exile on Sakaar, a collection of the galaxy's most colorful gladiators,
garbage,
and Goldblums.
Who's gonna get in first?
And thrill as it turns into the closest thing we'll get to a Planet Hulk movie,
where Bruce Banner awakens to find he's spent the last two years of his life as an enslaved killing machine.
I've been Hulk for two years? What the hell happened?
And take all of nine minutes to get over it.
You want revenge?
I'm-um...I'm just undecided.
Together, they'll team up with new additions to the Thorniverse,
like the depressive alcoholic Valkyrie,
Drinks.
a Taika Waititi made of rocks,
*gibberish*
and a mute bug with knives for arms, and they still have more personality than the Warriors Three.
Dodge that bullet, Lady Sif! But don't worry, you still got it coming.
Enjoy the first Marvel film where everything actually looks like a classic Marvel comic book,
that reminds us all..
Thor is a cosmic viking created by nerds on acid in the 60s. It should look crazy.
With the best bridge sequence since Deadpool,
the best two man laser fight since Starship Troopers,
and the best vehicle chase sequence where the hero jumps out to take the bad guys down by hand...
..since all the other ones.
DIE, SPACESHIP!
Hey, we found Marvel's new Sky Beam.
Yaayyy.
So get pumped for what's easily the best Thor movie,
also the best Hulk movie,
probably the best Doctor Strange movie,
the second best Guardians movie
and shoot, probably the best He-Man movie we're ever gonna get too,
that hopefully taught Marvel an important lesson:
Don't fire the weirdo. Embrace him. EMBRACE THAT WEIRDO.
Starring...
Flash Thordon.
Look at these lies.
Note to self, before commissioning a propaganda mural depicting my peaceful rise to power,
DON'T commission another mural depicting the horrible, horrible truth.