What do you do when you get angry with your kids?
Do you feel kind of bad after? I know many parents do.
In fact, i have helped so many parents over the years
learn how to control their anger with their kids.
I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach self-government.
a big part of self-government is mastering the power of
calm within. In this video, we're going to talk about
how you can control your anger with your kids and have better relationships.
For 24 years, I have spent nearly every day with my children. In fact,
even more time in that day than most people. Because
I actually chose to homeschool my children. There was a friend of mine a
number of years ago who said "Nicholeen, I don't know if i
could do what you do. I don't know if I could homeschool my
children. Because i don't know if my children
would be safe." And I thought, "Oh, that's too bad."
Because my power, my energy, my happiness
comes from my children. I'm refueled when I'm with them
because we don't have fights. We don't have power struggles.
And I don't have to get mad. Well, another friend of mine decided she was going to
homeschool her children. After 6 weeks of homeschooling her
children, she put him back in school. And that's
not necessarily a failure on her part. But she came to me afterward and said,
"You know what? I just couldn't do it. I had to put him
back in school." And I said, "Well, why?' She said, "This is
going to sound really bad but my children are safer there." I know that
sounds really funny but she was honest. She did not have a
handle on her own anger and her own stress and she didn't want
to be mean to her children. She never planned on becoming a monster.
She wanted to be the best mom ever. And she was hoping that more time
with her children would help. But she didn't have herself reined in
yet. So what can you do to rein yourself in?
I'm sure you don't want to be a monster either. No one plans
that when they're choosing to become a parent. In fact, their visions of
parenting seem like bliss and happiness and skipping through flowers and
catching butterflies. And then the reality hits. They cry,
they need stuff, they tell us no, they have attitude problems.
How do we handle all of that without the proper
skills? So, that's exactly what we need is skills.
So, in these books right here, there are 4 basic skills that I teach to
children. They are following instructions,
accepting no answers, accepting consequences and disagreeing
appropriately. And in these books right here, especially
in this one, Parenting: A House United, I have the
skills that i need for how to correct these things when
they go wrong. Do you have the skills that you need?
That could be a big factor in why you are still
choosing anger when you really don't want to.
Here are 3 tips to help you have calm communication with your children
and to control your anger. Tip number 1, you need to check yourself. Don't be
afraid of self-assessment. Sometimes we're afraid we'll find we
failed. It's okay to find you failed. In fact, that's a step in the right
direction. The fact that you're finding something that you can work with
is a big plus. So, anytime you're communicating
with your children, stop yourself and check "How am i
communicating? Are my eyes narrowing? Are my hands on my
hips? Is my finger pointing and shaking?
Is my body language not calm? What about my voice tone, is it
communicating love and understanding and caring and also
firmness at the same time? Or is it communicating
emotion, frustration, anger tiredness?" There's a lot of reasons why
people choose to be angry. I do want to tell you it is a choice. I
know that some days when the baby's kept you up all night
or you've had bad health or there's a lot of family stress
that's going on, it seems like it's not a choice.
But it is. Calmness, good communication and anger
are all choices. Your brain is strong enough to make the change.
You don't have to accept those excuses as your reality.
And I know. Because I am the type of person
who's had to reign in her own emotions. I'm changed, I'm different and many other
people are too. Because they've learned the power of
calm. Calmness cannot happen unless you analyze
yourself, check yourself and then choose
to make those adjustments. Tip number 2, after you check yourself, you've got to
make sure that you say the right thing. Sometimes that first thought that pops
in your head is exactly the wrong thing to say. In fact, the more you dwell
on that thought, the more likely you're going to say it even
though you're telling yourself, "No, don't say it. Don't say it." It's the wrong
thing to say. Remember that. You need to plan the right thing to say.
When I started doing foster care for troubled teens years ago,
i recognized that my strong will and fiery personality
was going to get the better of me. I wouldn't meet my goals as a foster
parent if i didn't plan out exactly what to say.
So, I got recipe cards out of my pantry and I started to write down:
This is exactly what i will say when things go wrong. When I correct the
children these are the words I will use. When they go out of control, these are
the words I will use. These are the words i will use when i
praise them and tell them they've done a good job.
I planned every word. That may seem mechanical and strange
but I promise you, you're already a robot. Those words that pop into your head,
those emotions that come flaming up out of nowhere --auto response.
You've trained yourself. You have a habit. You've got to replace it with a new
habit and do new training. You've got to know
what to say. You've got to plan for that. That's why I
have other books and courses. I tell my scripts
the things that i know to say in the moment.
Tip number 3, redos. Redos are magical. Guess what? You're not going to be
perfect every time. You're going to check yourself. You're going to be diligent
about that. And you are going to learn new words to
say. And then guess what? Sometimes
you're going to do the old habit. The one you did not want to do.
You're not perfect. That's okay. Just redo it the right way. If you want to
correct yourself, catch yourself doing it wrong, stop
yourself and tell your children, "Mom, wasn't doing
it the right way. Dad told you he'd do it this way. Sorry,
he's not doing it the right way right now." Then say, "Now, we are going to do that
interaction again. This time with calmness and using the
words that I told you I would use." And you can say you're sorry too. You
know what? We don't have to take mistakes like that personally. In
families, we learn how to communicate. We learn how to be forgiving. We learn
that everybody's a work in progress. You are too. You can conquer this.
Your anger does not have to destroy your happiness
or your relationships. You can choose to do something differently.
It is a power that you have within yourself. If you click
this link, then you'll go to the video called
How To Avoid Power Struggles. This is going to help you
master your calmness, bond to your family and become the person you want to be.