Clay Andrews: Why does your ex lose interest in you
when you reveal your interest in them? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great loving
relationship that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to
be hard to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because
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This can happen sometimes. Someone will reveal to their ex that they actually have a lot of
feelings for them, that they actually love them, that they want to get back together with them
or something like this. Maybe up until this point, things were going pretty well.
Then afterwards, their ex pulls back, things start to fall apart, and things don't go so great.
Now, why is this? Why does this happen? There is the possibility that maybe your ex is emotionally
unavailable and maybe they're only interested in unattainable people. This is definitely something
out there. There's a lot of information out there about emotionally unavailable men and all of that
dynamic, but there's also kind of the flip side of the coin. It's not specifically men and women,
but generally tends to fall into emotionally unavailable men and emotionally unavailable women.
But generally the emotionally unavailable woman, again, sometimes men, but
generally women will be equally emotionally unavailable as the guy that she's lusting
after and longing to be in a relationship with. But she'll be like, "Well, how am I emotionally
unavailable? I'm ready to commit to that guy right there, right now. I'm totally ready for it."
But the thing is, is there's a part of her that says, "Hey, that guy is emotionally
unavailable. He's never going to commit to me. Therefore, if I can get him to commit to me,
that means that it's going to prove all of these people from my past wrong and that I
really am worthy of love and I really can get all these things that I want and all of that."
So in a certain sense, she knows that it's a losing battle, but she's going for it anyway
because it feels familiar, because she hopes that it can prove everything else
in the past wrong. Also because probably on some deep level, she knows that he's never
going to be able to commit to her, and it's going to, instead, solidify her worldview
that relationships are hard, she's not worthy of love, et cetera, et cetera.
So if your ex loses interest in you when you start to actually show interest in them,
that could be where they're at. They could be in a place where they're like, "Well, you know, I have
this worldview that I'm not worthy of love. So if you're actually interested in me, I don't know,
I just don't feel it. There's no chemistry. I'm out of here." That could be where they're
at. Again, man or woman, they could be there. Other things that could be going on is that
maybe your ex isn't in a place right now where it makes sense to actually
reveal your emotional feelings for them. You know, we have what we call your ex's five stages
of getting back together. Again, you can check that out right up there in the video playlist.
But there are five stages that we have identified that your ex might go through on the process of
getting back together with you. Obviously, if they're in one of those earlier stages,
like Riding the Dragon or Test Drive or something like that, or definitely Wall of Reactance,
it's probably not a good time to actually say, "Hey, I love you. I want to get back
together with you." Sure. Maybe in one of the later stages, like New Beginnings, definitely,
or maybe even Crisis Point, it could make sense, but we don't want to rush this.
We want to be able to meet them where they're at emotionally and kind of
say messages and say things that are going to be understanding about where their emotional state
might be at. Now if they're kind of up in the air and confused, or maybe they're still upset at you
or something like that, confessing your feelings for them is probably not the right way to go
at this point in time. Sure, maybe when you're in one of those later stages, that might make sense,
but probably not in one of the earlier stages. Another thing is that maybe you're not
communicating your emotions in a very appropriate way, let's put it that way. We've had in the
past talked about positive vulnerability versus negative vulnerability. Now there is positive ways
that you can go ahead and convey your emotions to your ex where you might just say something along
the lines of, "You know, I really miss being able to talk to you like this. It's really so great to
be able to just catch up and joke around and share stories about whatever. I like this.
Is that something that you've missed?" You can talk about it like that and that you can totally
do something like that to create connection. But if you start to notice them,
you're pulling away a little bit, or maybe you're not really connecting with them or anything like
that and you're just kind of coming at them out of nowhere, coming at them without kind of slowly
easing into it, and you're just saying something like, "You know, I just want you to know I love
you. I've never stopped loving you, and I'm never going to stop fighting for our relationship,"
then, obviously, that is going to be a little bit too much, and it's going to come across
as a little bit like bad vulnerability. Bad vulnerability, negative vulnerability
is when you're using someone as a means to an end for you to feel better. Basically you're like,
"Okay, I'm feeling heartbroken because we went through this breakup. I feel bad about myself.
I want to feel better. That means I want to be in a relationship with you again. Therefore,
you are the means for me to feel better about myself by giving me this relationship."
That might be what you're thinking is true. But from their point of view, that's not going to
feel very good because it's going to come across as "I don't care how you feel. Your
emotional state is not important to me. What's most important to me is that you give me what
I want so that I can feel better about myself" and it's going to come across that way. Sure,
you might be able to pretty it up with some nice language, but it's going to come across that way.
What you want to do is you want to make sure that you're not phrasing things in a way where it could
be taken as you using them as a means to an end, as a stepping stone to get to what you want. You
want to be able to simply just be present with them, connect with them where they're at, enjoy
being present with them and let that organically give rise to the relationship. Let it organically
give rise to the connection and the commitment that you might experience with one another.
So those are some things to think about when it comes to, if your ex is losing interest in you
when you are revealing your interest in them. Maybe they're just emotionally unavailable,
possibly. Maybe it's just too soon. Maybe you haven't had time to warm them up on that scale
of the five stages. Or maybe you just need to kind of work on positive vulnerability versus negative
vulnerability. If these are some things that you need some help with, you might benefit from our
course called Effortless Connection. Once again, you can find that down in the description box
below. It's our communication course for helping you build more collaboration, communication and
consistency in your relationship. Anyway, if you do like this video,
once again, hit that thumb's up button for the algorithm, leave a comment down below,
subscribe to the channel, all that good stuff. If you do want to learn more about those five stages,
once again, we have that video series right here. You might want to check that out, or you can
check out this video over here. Anyway, please take care, and I'll talk to you next time.