- I fell for that shit once, fell in love
and into a semi-longterm relationship with a man
who kept on wanting to wait to have sex.
He was hiding something! (audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- My first movie, I actually booked this
while working at Kaiser, was "Knocked Up".
That was directed by Judd Apatow,
(audience cheering)
With Seth Rogen, thank you.
First movie I ever did.
And I shot that shit while still having my day job.
I shot that during a vacation week
because I'm a good fucking Asian,
you know what I mean? (audience laughing)
I'm responsible. (audience laughing)
And it was the most creatively fulfilling experience
of my life at that time
because I got to work with everybody.
Anybody who's anybody's in that movie, dude.
You had Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd,
Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel,
Martin Starr of Silicon Valley,
Craig Robinson, Charlyne Yi.
You had like Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig.
It was the Avengers of comedy.
That's what that shit was. (audience laughing)
And I swear to god, my first time,
my last day of filming, it was such a dream.
Judd Apatow said to me, he goes,
"You're my discovery.
"You did such a great job.
"I'm gonna put you in all of my movies," and he did.
So I would not be here (audience cheering)
if it wasn't for Judd.
And then the next day, I had to work at Kaiser.
You know what I mean? (audience laughing)
That's how I came up with the Chow jizz toss, Kaiser.
Toodaloo, hopes and dreams.
But can you imagine having a moment like that,
doing a Judd Apatow film, and going back to your day job
thinking that you're stuck the next day?
I could not stop thinking about that.
I was like, "Well, maybe...
"I know I'm playing it safe,
"but maybe it's time for this college kid to turn pro,"
you know what I mean?
Maybe I got to fucking... I gotta rethink my life.
Maybe I gotta... Maybe this is a time
for me to pursue acting full-time,
but you know, look at me.
I know I look like a fucking double-chinned
Asian Mr. Burns with bad posture.
But I don't know, maybe this is time for me.
Maybe this is a sign.
By the way, I'm thinking all this
while 50 patients are waiting for me.
(audience laughing) Not a good look.
And my nurse is desperately trying to get me to focus.
She goes, "Dr. Jeong,
"you have a patient in room two waiting for you."
I was like, "Well, nurse,
"you have a doctor who doesn't give a fuck."
(audience laughing)
Just did a movie, Carol.
Just did a movie, man, you don't get it.
And believe it or not,
I quit my day job the next day, true story.
(audience applauding) I was scared, man.
I was fucking scared
'cause I didn't have any family support.
My strict traditional Korean dad
who wanted me to be a doctor before I was born,
no, he was severely bumping on this shit, dude.
He was just cursing me out in Korean,
"You, you (foreign).
"You bring great shame to Jeong family."
And then after "The Hangover", "We are so proud.
"I knew you make it, boy.
"I knew you make it.
"I believe in you. (audience cheering)
"We are so proud of your tiny ding-dong, so proud.
"The smaller the penis, the bigger the box office." (laughs)
Oh, thanks, papa, great phrase, okay.
And yes, for those of you wondering,
in "The Hangover", yes, that was real in the trunk.
I'm a grower, not a shower, all right?
It was cold, I swear, all right?
It was cold outside, all right?
But I'm secure about it.
It's how the pencil writes, bitch.
It's how it writes.
Mine can write in cursive, in cursive.
Oh, my god, calligraphy.
Calligraphy, konichiwa, bitch. (audience cheering)
When I tell you, man, to be "Hangover" rich and famous
as an Asian kid, man, Asian parents,
they don't know how to govern that.
My dad went from father to freeloader, just like that.
I swear to god, as a kid, he was like,
"You better get me good grades."
After "The Hangover", "You better get me S class Mercedes
(audience laughing)
"Because E class, that's for fucking farmers."
Okay, papa, good.
- I do think this is a crux of a lot of our problems.
I think, men, I think you think your penis
is more important to us than it is.
It's important to you, and it should be, it's yours.
But we do not care about it as much as you do.
I think we also don't care about big dicks
as much as men do.
Men talk about big dicks a lot.
It really seems to be on your minds.
(audience laughing)
You're always saying stuff like, "She needs a big dick."
(audience laughing)
You should ask us.
We're all different.
I have a short torso.
This is a finite amount of space.
I think we should start thinking
about penises and vaginas
as a foot in a shoe situation.
You ever tried to jam your foot
into a shoe that's two sizes too small?
Imagine if the shoe had feelings,
(audience laughing)
and you cared. (audience laughing)
And we should all know our size.
At the end of the night at a bar,
a guy should be like, "I'm an eight,"
and you'd be like, "Well, I'm a four, so no."
Or a guy'd be like, "I'm a two,"
and you'd be like, "You should lie about that.
"Or show me a picture of your apartment."
A two with a good apartment is a six.
That's just math.
And we should talk about dicks in sizes,
sizes that we all know and understand.
We have to stop talking about dicks in inches
because I don't know how much an inch is.
You know how I know a penis is too big?
I see it, and I go, "Uh, no."
No, you think I'm a different person.
You think I'm old long vagina.
(audience laughing)
She needs a big dick.
All right, what do you think I want out of sex,
a hole in my back?
To become a dolphin? (audience laughing)
Which vocally does make sense.
(audience laughing)
And look, I've had sex with guys with big dicks.
Sometimes I'll sorta move away, and they'll be like,
"Where are you going?"
And I'm like, "To safety."
In boxing, if you punch someone in the liver, it's illegal.
(audience cheering)
And yet men still say, "She needs a big dick."
No, she needs you to text her back.
(audience cheering)
And I'm sure, I'm sure there's some women in here
whose preference is a big dick.
And that's fine, to each their own.
Me personally, more of a strong medium.
Small is still not on the table.
If you have a small penis, you should kill yourself.
(audience laughing)
It's an honor killing, it's good.
I feel like this is what Goldilocks was originally about.
And then they were like,
"No, we're not gonna be able to read this to children."
Even in Germany?
Yeah.
All right, porridge, but you get it.
- A lot of people also seem to wonder, "Ali,
"now that you have a daughter,
"are you gonna tone it down?"
Here's the thing.
Just because you became a parent
doesn't mean you grew up.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, bro-y dudes become bro-y dads.
I'm the same piece of shit I always was
before I became a mom,
now just with more responsibility,
and I'm barely rising to the occasion.
(audience laughing)
And I'm not ashamed.
I'm not gonna hide
that I was very sexually active in my 20s.
You know why?
Because everybody knows the secret now,
that when a woman sleeps with a man right away,
it's not because we don't respect ourselves.
It's because we don't respect you.
(audience cheering)
We don't see you as marriage material.
That's why we let your dick inside so fast.
By letting you in,
we're really kicking you out of our future.
Bye, Felicia, be on your merry little way.
(audience cheering)
We're just trying to have fun.
We're not trying to trap yo ass.
But... But you better be careful
because when a man... (gasps)
When a man doesn't sleep with you right away, oh.
Oh, it's not because he respects you.
It's because he has a small dick.
(audience laughing)
And he's trying to trap you. (audience laughing)
Do not fall for that trap.
I'm gonna repeat that shit to my daughter
over and over and over again.
Do not fall for that trap.
I fell for that shit once,
fell in love and into a semi long-term relationship
with a man who kept on wanting to wait to have sex.
And I assumed it was because he thought I was so special
and amazing and worth waiting for.
He was hiding something.
Months later, he finally agrees to get busy
and unveils this tiny mess of a thing
that wouldn't even reach your molars.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It was a black dude.
(audience laughing)
Creepy, right?
Like seeing a homeless Asian person.
What, what happened to you? (audience laughing)
Oh, my god, who are your parents truly?
It was a black dude.
And I told all my black friends about it.
And they were like, "Where the fuck is he at?"
(audience laughing)
We need to assassinate him right now
before he further threatens
to tarnish our sacred reputation.
(audience laughing)
It was the first and last time
I had ever seen an actual micropenis.
And my honest first reaction when I saw it
was, "Oh, my god, are you okay?
"What happened?
"Did you just get hit by a bus?
"Did a car outside just side swipe your dick off?
"And now is your dick rolling around
"on the street like a severed snake head?
"And should we get a mason jar to scoop it up
"and bring you both to the hospital
"to have you sewn back together?"
(audience laughing)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Is this some sort of princess and the frog test?
Did a witch curse you a long time ago
as punishment for calling her ugly?
And now if I put that in my mouth to prove that I love you,
(audience laughing) as a reward for my love,
will it expand? (audience laughing)
Like one of those magic towels you pour water on?
(upbeat music)