So, you're in a long distance relationship
or you're considering
if you can deal with one.
Well, the reality is that
relationships in general
can be a struggle
but long distance relationships
can be a little bit harder
if you don't know
how to make it work.
So, I'm going to give you
the three... I'm sorry,
the five keys on how to make
a long distance relationship work, all right.
So, my name is Stephan Labossiere
aka Stephan Speaks
back with another
dating and relationship advice video.
Like I said we're going to be talking about
keys to making
a long distance relationship work.
Before we start
please like the video, share it,
and comment below.
Let's share some tips
tell me what you think is necessary
to make a long distance relationship work.
So, again, first let me
get this out of the way.
Me personally I haven't always been
the biggest fan of
long distance relationships
and I can't say
I'm necessarily a fan right now.
That doesn't mean it can't work,
that doesn't mean there haven't been
many successful long distance relationships
or relationships that started off that way
and then eventually they didn't have to be
long distance anymore.
However, there's just
so much that goes into it
and a lot of times
people aren't as ready
and prepared for it
as they want to believe.
They're simply trying to hold on
so dearly to this individual
that they really like and they connect with
and all these things.
But they're not really considering,
can I handle these dynamics?
Can I handle this distance
over a long period of time?
There's a lot of questions
you have to ask yourself.
But again, as I stated
in the very beginning of the video,
there is a formula for success
in all the long distance relationships
that I have seen with the people
I have sat down and coached.
I have noticed what has worked,
I have noticed what has been
a point of tension
and what has created a
disconnect in that relationship.
So, let's go over it today
so that I can help you
be set up for success
whether you're in one
or you may find yourself in one,
one day, all right.
So, number one key
to making a long distance relationship work is
communication must be your priority.
Now, some of you all might be thinking
well, that's common sense
of course, we've got to talk
especially if we're long distance, granted.
But here's the thing.
What I find in a lot of
long distance relationship situations is that
the amount of communication
is not really discussed as far as
what each partner needs.
And not just need
from the standpoint of
what makes you happy.
It's also about
what you need from the standpoint of
what's going to help you feel more at peace
and secure in the relationship.
Now, granted some people may say,
well, listen, you have to be
secure within yourself,
you really you can't put too many
high demands on your partner.
To a certain degree yes.
However, again,
when we're starting off
at the very least when we're
starting off, all right.
This is new territory for a lot of people
you've got to get comfortable with this
and you got to get comfortable
with the fact that yes, they're going
to be at a distance from you
and that can be
hard to deal with over time.
So, this is a different playing field
to where yes, you may have to
up the communication initially
to get to that place where
you feel good about this relationship.
You're going to have to be honest about
whatever it is you need.
So, for example, if you are a person
who needs good morning texts so to speak
and that's important to you.
Or hearing from them in the morning
and before going to sleep,
you need to express that.
Because many times
what creates a lot of tension
in these relationships is
these unspoken expectations.
So, one person is hoping that well,
of course you should be calling me
in the morning and at night
because we're long distance.
Why wouldn't you want to
since we can't see each other?
And the other person's thinking,
yeah, we spoke this morning
that's good enough.
Or we spoke yesterday.
Like, they're not seeing it the same way
not because they may not
be invested in you,
not because they may not be as
serious about you
simply because their level of
need for communication
is different than yours.
They also may have a lot more going on,
which then again,
derails off how much they're
focusing on the need to communicate.
So, these things need to be
laid out from the jump.
Both sides need to be honest
not just about what you need
but what you are prepared
and willing to give.
So, again, if that individual is saying
listen, I need face times daily, okay,
because we're at a distance.
And you're like, well listen,
I don't like being on the phone
or showing my face like that
I'm not sure if I can do that.
Be honest,
if that's how you really feel be honest.
Because it's better for you guys to
make sure you're on the same page
and get things right
rather than to act like you can do
whatever they need and
be the person that they're looking for
and then you fall short
and the whole thing blows up in your face.
You'd have been better off just
being friends in the meantime
until maybe at a later time
you guys can actually have a relationship
in person with each other.
So, again, communication
has to be a priority
but you have to lay out the needs
and what you are willing to
pour into them communication wise.
Be upfront and honest about it
so there's no confusion.
The number two key
to making a long distance relationship work is
create structure.
So, again, I'm a firm believer
in creating structure in all relationships.
But I do think that when
we're talking about long distance relationships
it becomes even more important.
You can't go all really nearly
into these relationships.
So, when I say create structure
I mean creating structure
again, with as we mentioned
in key number one
having an understanding of communication,
how much is needed and maybe there is
a set structure as far as
when it is our time to talk?
So, I have some friends who
they had a long distance relationship
and the guy was a very busy guy.
And initially it was a lot of conflict because
he was getting caught up in work,
she wanted her time
and again, they had no structure.
He was kind of
free styling it the whole time,
but that would leave
too much room for disappointment.
Now, they sat down
and they discussed it. Okay, well,
here's what we're going to do
these are my work hours,
these are the hours that
I'm dedicating to just you.
So, he gave her I would have said
let's say, an hour a day
where it's just him and her
getting to talk, face time, whatever.
And on certain days
it might be where okay,
he's completely unavailable
because of you know, work
but they'll still text.
So, they had structure.
That allowed her
and his needs to be met on both sides.
Whether it be the emotional
needs of the relationship,
the personal needs when it comes to
work and things of that nature.
There was structure
and there was an understanding.
So, now, if it's 5 O'clock on Monday
and I know that's a time where
you're dedicated to your work.
Even though I want to hear from you,
I'm not going to get mad at you
because I'm not hearing from you right now
because I already understand
how we're doing things.
The structure clears up confusion,
the structure removes that
unnecessary disappointment
and it helps people
now say to themselves okay,
since I know
not to expect to hear from them
between this time and this time
let me use that time I have
for something else I could be doing.
Let me go work on something,
let me go you know,
enjoy my life in other ways.
That structure is extremely helpful.
So, create structure in relationships
as well as structure as far as
when we will see each other in person.
So, if we know okay,
going three months
without seeing each other is too long
we've agreed upon this upfront.
Then let's agree, all right.
Every three months or every two months
whatever the case may be,
one of the other
flies to see the other person
if that's feasible, okay.
And we also can agree upfront
if it's going to be
I'll come to you the first three times
you come to me...
Anything that you can basically
have set out up front
is going to eliminate trouble later.
So, if we can come to
an agreed structure.
And that also helps because now,
a lot of times people are getting antsy
and then it start to really
get to them that they can't
see their partner and
physically touch them.
However, when you already know
that the plan is every month
or every two months,
whatever the case is,
that we're going to actually
physically see each other,
that helps keep you at bay.
That helps calm your nerves,
it allows you to
push through those moments a lot easier
because you know
the payoff is coming.
When you don't know that
payoff is coming,
it's easy to get antsy,
to lose sight of things
and to get yourself into some trouble.
That is very...
It happens a lot,
it happens a lot in this situations.
Not with everybody, I don't want
anyone who's in it to think
your partner is doing anything crazy
but it does happen.
So, that's why I think it's
very, very wise
to have that structure
and agreed upon time frames
of when we can see each other
physically to make things better.
The number 3 key to
making a long distance relationship work is
be spontaneous.
So, we just talked about structure
and I do highly believe
you have to implement structure.
But that doesn't mean
don't ever be spontaneous.
That doesn't mean
don't do things to kind of
throw some flavor into the relationship.
So, everything doesn't always have to
fall within the agreed structure.
Maybe there is a surprise visit
depending on you know,
the relationship you guys have
and if you guys have an understanding that,
that's an acceptable thing, all right.
Maybe it's just a surprise call,
maybe it's a surprise random picture
you send your partner, you know,
smiling whatever you want to send them
to brighten up their day.
You still want to do
little things here and there that
you know, are spontaneous,
that kind of breaks the rhythm so to speak
but break it in a good way.
And again, I think
that spontaneity really helps
when we're having
a long distance relationship.
Because sometimes
I don't want to say,
out of sight, out of mind.
Because when we're really into someone
they're really not out of mind
even when they are out of sight, all right.
But again, it can get difficult when
we're not always connecting
on a level that we want to
and as when I say connecting,
more so engaging
on the level that we want to.
And so again, those little surprise things,
those little spontaneous things,
it just helps, it helps.
And again, it grows the bond stronger
and it really helps strengthen
the relationship.
So, consider one of those
special surprising things
you can do here and there in the relationship.
Of course, learn your partner,
learn the things that they like
that they're going to enjoy and appreciate
and tap into that
and add that to
the formula of making this
long distance relationship work.
Now, number four on this list of
keys to making
a long distance relationship work is
have a plan.
Now, have a plan is different
than having a structure
though it does pour into it.
When I say have a plan I mean
have a plan as far as
when are we going to end
this long distance part
and actually be together
in the same city,
in the same place
or at least much closer to each other?
What is the progression
of this relationship?
So, again, many times
people struggle because
they don't really know where this is going.
We know up front
that we're far away from each other,
that right now we can't be
physically with each other
and ultimately we know we want to
but we don't have a plan as far as
when we will.
And so, that I can create doubt,
insecurity, you know,
again, anxiety in the relationship,
that can make it very difficult.
And also we have to understand
if we discuss up front
what the plan is
and we come to realize
there is no foreseeable future
where we can actually come together.
Let's say we discuss this and realize
oh, my goodness,
we wouldn't be able to make anything
happen until maybe five years from now.
Now, we have to ask ourselves,
can we deal with this for five years?
And if not then that means
maybe we just need to be
friends in the meantime
or reconvene this potential relationship
at a later date when we're closer
to a time that we can
actually come together
and it's a easier pill to swallow
so to speak, all right.
So, discussed up front,
what is the plan?
And again, how long can you both really
hold out till you can
finally be in the same place?
As well as,
who will move to who?
Or if you both will move
somewhere else neutral
because that is one of
the discussion that can
tear apart a relationship.
You got one side thinking
that individual should be moving to them
and vice versa.
And now there butting heads
because neither one wants
to move from their city
to the other person's city, all right.
These are things you want to discuss up front.
Now granted, life throws
different things at us
and so initially
you may have a situation where
let's just say this example,
the woman is fully prepared
to move to the man,
she's cool with it,
you know everything's all good
they're on the same page.
And then she gets a promotion at her job
or she finds an opportunity
that's only in her city
and now moving is a lot more difficult.
So, you know, things can change
but when that moment happens
when you realize okay,
this is going to be a
change in plans now,
you have to go back to talk to your partner.
Hell, you have to even
discuss with your partner beforehand.
Are we okay with you
taking this opportunity?
Again, if the goal is
to be together and marry each other,
then we can't just say
well, you have to deal with
whatever decision I want to make.
We have to make decisions
looking at what our future is
and how we're trying to
come together later.
So, we have to discuss these things up front
so there's no surprises and again,
there's no animosity or tension created
because we weren't
on the same page about this.
And now, we're going
back and forth about who should
move to who or
if we should move somewhere else.
Let's try to get that out of the way
as best as possible up front.
And then the last key to
making your long distance relationship work
is define all the boundaries.
So, what I mean by that is this.
You have a lot of relationships where
again, because we are not
in the same place,
it can get easy to
what's the word?
Lose sight of sometimes
how you may not be
acting as appropriately
as your partner would like.
And to give an example let's just say,
you go out with your friends,
let's just say the guy
goes out with his boys,
they go they have a few drinks, all right.
And at this lounge, club whatever,
there's an opportunity to
dance with some women
and he's not thinking of it
because his girl is
hundreds, thousands of miles away, all right.
Now, some you may say, well,
he should be thinking about it.
Again, I added he is drinking.
Not to make an excuse for it,
I'm just saying this stuff just happen.
But here's the thing.
Sometimes it's not an act of
I'm trying to be blatantly disrespectful.
Sometimes it's I personally did not
view it as an issue at that time
because again, that discussion
had not been had.
And so, we need to talk about it up front.
What is okay and not okay?
Even like, if you're going out late.
Like, when you're living together,
many people have the mentality of
you can't be coming back in the house
3 O'clock in the morning
and that's when I hear from you
when you've been out all day.
Well, some people have that same mentality
even if you're in a long distance relationship.
It's like hey, you can't be
out all night and I don't hear from you
when I'm expecting to hear from you
at night before bed
or earlier that day.
Whatever it is
we need to have an understanding
up front about this
and define our boundaries as far as
what is acceptable and what is not?
Now, some you might be thinking
well, they're not going to find out anyway.
You shouldn't be thinking like that, okay.
You got to respect your partner.
And you never know who sees it
comes back and tells your partner
when they are in your city
about oh, remember that time
we did such and such?
Like, you don't want to have
that kind of scenario play out.
And it's happened to people.
So, again, discuss all boundaries,
all boundaries of
whether it be how we engage
with other individuals,
all boundaries of how we carry ourselves
within this relationship.
We have to establish an understanding of
just because we are a long distance
it doesn't mean we let things slide
more than we would if we were
in person, all right.
And I would argue that
it's best to take that approach anyway
because the last thing you want to do
is to become so accustomed to
living in this kind of on the edge
because your partner is far away, all right.
Then your partner finally
comes to you or you come to them,
you're on the same city
and now it's hard to break old habits.
Now, you're having a harder time
adjusting to a more strict structure,
with your partner
being physically there with you.
Don't put yourself in that position.
You want to practice what's going to be
the actual expectation of the relationship
if you guys were physically together,
the same way if you guys are going to be
thousands of miles apart.
So, again, have that understanding,
discuss all things,
define the boundaries,
so that no one crosses a line
that they should not be crossing.
So, again, it's not easy
but with effort, with desire,
with communication, with a willingness
to make things work then yes,
a long distance relationship can work.
So, just be open
and honest with each other
and make sure you are willing to
put forth the effort needed for success.
So, again, like this video,
share it, leave your comment below
any other tips that you have
for long distance relationships,
for them to succeed
and I look forward to
seeing you in the next video.