Serena Williams is expecting a little baby, yo!
-Yeah! -(cheering, applause)
Congratulations, Serena.
Although I must admit I was a little disappointed
to find out she was pregnant
when she won the Australian Open, which is not cool
because, technically, that's a doubles match.
Cheating. I'm just gonna put it out there.
And, uh, you know what they say--
for every amazing black baby that comes into the world,
one old white man has to leave.
We have some breaking news to report to you.
Fox news anchor Bill O'Reilly
will not be returning to
REPORTER:
says it came to the decision after a review
of the allegations of sexual harassment and verbal abuse
coming by the host. Of course he settled
a lot of lawsuits. No word yet what will happen
to his show,
One would assume the name changes.
Or... or they just keep the show
and they just find a random Irish guy
with the same last name. You know?
Just like, "It's me, Steve O'Reilly.
Tonight's top story: Bono-- that's not a real name!"
Because, I mean, we assume that they'll change the name
of the show, but we also assumed that Fox would have
fired O'Reilly after the third time
he was accused of sexual harassment, so you never know.
Uh, and now, here at
we want to give O'Reilly the sendoff that he deserves.
Because, let's be honest, he's not gonna get it on Fox,
that's for sure, you know? Those guys are probably gonna
pretend nothing is wrong. Just be like,
"No news to report here. Everything is fine.
"Back to you, Megyn.
"I mean Greta.
"I mean Gretchen.
"I mean Bill.
I mean, who's left?"
(cheering, applause)
So...
so let's give Bill his proper due,
because you may not know this, but Bill O'Reilly
was the biggest figure in the history of cable news.
At one point no one even came close.
Because they were afraid that he might sexually harass them.
His prime time show was the top cable news show for 16 years
with as many as four million viewers a night.
But before O'Reilly was a huge star on Fox News
he was blowing up on
as, uh, shown in this infamous clip.
I don't know what that means-- "to play us out."
What does that mean?
-To end the show? -DIRECTOR: Yeah, yeah.
That's tomorrow. And that is it for us today,
and we will leave you with a...
-I-I can't do it. -DIRECTOR: Okay.
-We'll do it live. -Okay.
-Well, no... -We'll do it live! (bleep) it!
Do it live. I can...
I'll write it and we'll do it live!
(bleep) thing sucks!
Wow. Wow.
All of that just because Bill O'Reilly
had never heard the expression "play us out"?
That is the angriest I've ever seen someone get
from not knowing a phrase. Like, for instance,
in America, I hear phrases I don't understand
all the time, but I don't flip out over it.
You don't see me going, "My neck of the woods?
"Wh-What neck, what woods? Woods don't have necks!
"It doesn't make sense! It doesn't (bleep) make...
"(yelling)
(bleep) it, I'll do it live!"
-Now... -(cheering, applause)
Now, some of us watch that clip and we see madness.
But in the mid-'90s a man by the name of Roger Ailes
watched it, and he saw greatness.
And he reached out and said,
"Come join me at Fox, O'Reilly, and together
"we will build a cable empire
fueled by white Christian resentment.
"And then, as our masterstroke,
"we will both be forced to leave
"because we couldn't keep our penises
"in our white Christian pants.
Allegedly."
And so O'Reilly went forth
and gave voice to that vision.
If you're a Christian or a white man in the USA,
it's open season on you.
There is a war between traditional Americans
and secular progressives in this country.
The left sees white privilege in America as an oppressive force
that must be done away with.
Taking voting power away from the white precincts
is the quickest way to do that.
The New York Times
hate the white Christian male power structure,
and want to change it
by a massive amount of foreign nationals
being able to vote.
The way we've lived for the past 250 years
are under siege.
Christmas has become controversial in America.
The war on Christmas begins.
-The war on Christmas. -...this war on Christmas.
♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas. ♪
So-called white privilege: bad.
Diversity: good.
Okay...
here's what I don't understand:
if white people don't have it good in the U.S.,
then which race does?
Because it's not black people,
it's not Hispanics, it's not Asians.
I mean, that pretty much leaves
whatever mystery race Bruno Mars is.
So who's having a good time?
So, yes, Bill O'Reilly talked about a lot of issues
over 20 years.
But it's important tonight to remember
that he had a special place in his heart for black people,
prison.
Don't get pregnant at 14.
Don't allow your neighborhoods to deteriorate
into free-fire zones.
That's what the African-American community
should have on their T-shirts.
...with African-American youth.
But how are you gonna get jobs for them?
Many of them are ill-educated
and have tattoos on their foreheads.
There's an outreach-- I don't even know what that means--
-by the Obama administration to African-Americans. -Yeah.
I don't... What does that entail?
Are they gonna be on
You always refuse to acknowledge that there is
-institutional racism in this country -Okay, because
-and that there's a legacy -you can't prove it, Powers.
-of racism in this country. -You can't prove it.
Slaves did participate in the construction of the White House.
Slaves that worked there were well-fed
and had decent lodgings provided by the government.
Say you're a cocaine dealer-- and you kind of look
like one a little bit...
(laughter, groaning)
Man, can I just say, Bill O'Reilly's lucky
that black people aren't all the criminals he thinks they are.
Otherwise, that guy would have popped a cap in his ass.
He would have bust a cap in his ass so fast!
(cheering and applause)
But, no, he had to go and be
a highly educated college professor. Boring.
You know, looking back on all of O'Reilly's greatest hits,
the one thing that's hard to believe
was that it took this long for him to lose his job.
That's what I always wonder.
And, like, why did all the advertisers
that pulled off his show now stick with the show that long?
Like, what, were they watching that like,
"You know what, he does look like a cocaine dealer, yeah.
Buy Reddi-wip."
But-but maybe, maybe the reason Fox kept O'Reilly on for so long
was because sometimes he was so racist
it somehow became funny.
O'REILLY:
-MAN: Please, and if... -O'REILLY: You know? I mean...
-(laughter, murmuring) -You...
you know, guys, this is so racist,
I can't even be mad about it.
Because you realize, in Bill O'Reilly's mind,
going to a black restaurant was basically going to be
like walking into the middle of the Rodney King riots.
Like, he thought people wouldn't be ordering food--
they just loot the kitchen and run out with their order.
You know, the waiters would be doing drive-bys.
"You want some ketchup, (bleep)?!" (mimicking shots)
"Get some pepper, yo."
(cheering and applause)
What do you think?
And-and Bill O'Reilly wasn't just a famous newsman.
You know all that anger and victimhood
you hear from Trump voters?
A lot of that started with him.
Like, a lot of people said
that Jon Stewart was the Yoda of cable news.
Well, Bill O'Reilly was the Sith Lord.
And I want to be Daisy Ridley. Can I be Daisy Ridley?
Please? I want to be Daisy Rid...
(mimicking lightsaber)
I think I nailed it.
And you know what they say about the Sith--
there is much anger on the dark side.
You're either gonna stop talking or I'm gonna cut your mike off.
-Cut his mike. -Cut his mike. -Cut her mike off.
-Want to know what I was doing? -Shut up. Shut up.
You don't know anything.
He doesn't have a right to be in this country!
-Not entitlements! One program! -Why are you yelling?
-What do you want to yell for? -Bull... Because you're lying!
Hold on. None of this was your fault! Oh, no!
-People lost millions of dollars! -Do I get a chance
-to talk? -It wasn't your fault!
Come on, you coward! Say the truth!
-What do you mean, coward? -You're a coward!
Damn, I...
I don't know if he should have ever had a TV show,
but I do know he would have fit right in
at an imaginary black restaurant,
I'll tell you that much.
He would have been perfect.
"You're the coward! You're the coward!
Where's my food? (bleep) it, I'll do it live!"
(laughter, applause)
So it's sad to say, but farewell, extremely old friend.
But before you go, Bill O'Reilly, one last time,
please, why don't you play us out.
-♪ ♪ -And they're just running around,
trying to jazz people up.
I give them the same jazz I give everybody else.
Did the sporting crew give him any jazz on that?
When you get back to New Haven, are they gonna give you jazz?
-...which I say... I say... -Oh, I'm only giving you jazz.
You know Trump, uh, gives you jazz all day long.
Jeb Bush give you a little... little, uh, jazz today.
-I know exactly who I work for. -Are they giving you...?
Get some jazz down here? You getting some jazz down there?
That's all right. I'm a big boy.
You give me jazz every time I see you.
O'REILLY: No, no, please. I'm interested...
Obviously, I've given Reich some jazz.
Anybody give you any jazz?
I'm giving you a little jazz on the commies.
Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz. Jazz.
How about you-- do you get jazz?
Gave her a little jazz, Mike.
I gave
(piano plays discordant chord)