>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HER
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME HANNAH EINBINDER!
( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, WHEN SOME COMEDIANS START OFFSIDE THEIR SET, THEY
WILL SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME."
WELL, THIS IS MY VERSION OF THAT.
♪ ♪ ♪ MY MOTHER HAD ME WHEN SHE WAS 42
BECAUSE BEFORE THAT AGE, SHE WAS...
BUSY.
( LAUGHTER )
OUR HOUSE.
SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLDER THAN MY FATHER AND REFUSED TO LEGALLY
MARRY HIM.
WHAT DOES BEING A WOMAN MEAN TO ME?
( LAUGHS ) IT MEANS BEING A MAN.
( LAUGHTER )
US GOOD NIGHT, SHE KISSED US TWICE-- ONCE FOR THE EVENING,
AND ONCE TO MAKE UP FOR NOT BEING THERE THE NEXT DAY.
BUT DON'T FRET ON ME, NEW YORK CITY.
NO, SEE, I WAS RAISED BY MY REAL MOM, MI MADRE ISRAEL-- GLORIA
LOPEZ CABRERA.
SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYBODY I KNOW.
SHE IS THE REASON WHY WHEN I BURN MY HAND INSTEAD OF SAYING,
"OW!" I SAY "AY!"
BUT LET'S GO BACK EVEN FURTHER.
THE YEAR WAS 1995, AND MOMMY AND DADDY WANTED A BOY, SO GENETIC
ENGINEERS SORTED THROUGH MY FATHER'S...
GENETIC MATERIAL AND ELIMINATED ALL OF THE SPERM WITH THE "X"
"X" FEMALE CHROME SOAMES.
ALL BUT ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
LITTLE BOY ARRIVED A GIRL AS A REMINDER TO MY PARENTS THAT IF
THEY WANTED TO PLAY GOD, THEY'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE DEVIL
HERSELF.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
I PREFER TO DATE WOMEN.
MEN TO, ME, ARE LIKE LAS VEGAS: I SHOW UP.
I LOSE EVERYTHING THAT I CAME WITH.
I VOW NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE, "LET'S GO TO VEGAS!"
( APPLAUSE )
THESE DAYS, WOULDN'T YOU SAY, FOLKS?
WOULDN'T YOU SAY?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT IN FRONT OF A FOUNTAIN WITH
YOUR HEAD IN YOUR HANDS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SOBBING, WITHOUT
SOMEBODY COMING UP, TAKING A PICTURE, AND CAPTIONING IT,
"CURRENT MOOD."
YOU JUST... CAN'T GET A MOMENT ALONE.
AND I THINK SOCIAL MEDIA HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THIS.
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
I HEARD A YOUNG WOMAN ON THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY, HER
CONVERSATION SOUNDED A LITTLE BIT LIKE THIS: "SO, DID I TELL
YOU, MILA UNINVITE MEADE TO HER BIRTHDAY BRUNCH?
YEAH, I KNOW, FULLY CRIMINAL.
IT WAS ALL SET UP, AND THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE CALLED ME AND SAID,
VEER, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO WITH MY PARENTS.
I WAS PISSED, BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, THE NEXT DAY, THE
SNAPCHAT STORY AT 1:27 P.M. AT CATCH AND WEST HOLLYWOOD.
YUP, INSTAGRAM, 2:00 P.M., THEY UPLOAD A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF
THEM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY B.P.F.
IT GETS WORSE, FACEBOOK LIVE, 3: 58 TO 3: 59.
DID SHE THINK I WASN'T GOING TO SEE IT?
( LAUGHTER )
SITUATION HAD OCCURRED IN, SAY, THE YEAR 1935, IT WOULD HAVE
SOUNDED SOMETHING LIKE THIS: "HELLO, MOD.
HI, BLANCH, WHAT'S THE NEWS FIT TO PRINT?
REMEMBER THE SOIREE WE ARE PLANNED?
>> SURE.
>> MOMMY AND DADDY SAID NO CAN DO.
THIS IS FINE.
THIS IS FINE, INDEED SO LONG, SO LONG.
AND THAT'S IT.
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING A WOMAN IN THE 30s, AND I DON'T CLAIM
TO, BUT I HAVE CRIED WHILE WASHING THE DISHES BEFORE.
AND I THINK THAT'S CLOSE.
( LAUGHTER )
GOOD NIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HANNAH EINBINDER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.