Here are 5 awkward things that often need to happen when God is revealing the one to
you. 1. When God Leads You to the One, There Is
Often an Awkward Season of Expressing Interest and Gauging Interest
Everyone’s story is different. Some people just click instantly and there is no awkwardness
at all. But for the vast majority of couples, this is not the case.
As Christians, we know that God has a plan for our lives, including when it comes to
our future marriages. But we have a tendency to romanticize what this process will look
like which causes the reality of the situation when it actually occurs to be very confusing
sometimes. For example, you may think that God will reveal
the one by allowing you two to have instant chemistry that is clear and straightforward.
But more often than not, God will allow you two to go through a very awkward “feeling
out” process at the beginning of your connection. When you really take a step back and look
at the reality of marriage, it makes sense that God starts most relationships off with
confusion and awkwardness because throughout their future marriage there will always be
a need to communicate and express inner feelings because your spouse won’t magically know
what you are thinking just because you are married. So it should be no surprise that
right from the beginning of your relationship, God will force you two to communicate and
express your inner feelings verbally and with actions rather than just waiting for the other
person to read your mind. Notice the link between learning to speak
the truth in love and maturing as a Christian found in Ephesians 4:15, “Rather, speaking
the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ
. . . .” Your future spouse won’t be able to read
your mind in marriage, they won’t be able to read your mind in dating, and they won’t
be able to read your mind before dating. So you two will have to go through that awkward
stage of expressing interest and gauging interest before you become an official couple.
2. Before the Relationship Can Get “Serious,” There Needs to Be a DTR, Which Can Often Be
Awkward A DTR stands for a “define the relationship”
talk. There are different levels to these types of conversations. My rule of thumb is
that anytime you want the relationship to go to a different level, there usually needs
to be a DTR. So when you go from non-dating to dating,
you have to have a DTR. Or when you go from dating to engaged, you have to have a DTR.
But one phase that often gets overlooked which then causes a long period of unnecessary confusion
is the need for a DTR so a couple can go from “just dating” to being in a “serious”
relationship. When I use the phrase “serious relationship,”
I’m referring to that type of relationship that is still before engagement but the couple
is clearly very connected with each other and starting to think about marriage. They
are not totally sure the other person is “the one,” but they are hoping they are and they
are starting to believe they are. But before you can go from dating to engaged,
there is usually an awkward middle phase that redefines the relationship as more than being
just a casual boyfriend a girlfriend into a couple who are seriously considering marriage
in the somewhat near future. You are not ready to commit to marriage yet, but you are also
clearly headed in the direction. As Song of Solomon 2:7 (NIV) states, “Do
not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” This verse implies that there is a process
to fully awakening love. There’s a time that is not right and then there is a time
that is right. And along the journey, there will need to be some conversations that can
feel awkward. 3. When You Meet The One, Relevant Past Relationship
Information Needs to Be Shared Along With Relevant Future Goals
One question that pops into my email box now and then goes something like this, “I’m
starting to get serious with this person I really like, but I don’t know how much I
need to share about my past relationship sins. What should I say or not say?”
This is one of those types of questions I don’t think there is a clear right or wrong
answer to. Usually people are referring to past sexual sins. What often happened was
that someone sinned sexually in their past, perhaps with many people, but then they later
came back to the Lord and repented. Now they are walking with the Lord and prepared to
be in a godly relationship. They meet a godly person, but they wonder how much of their
former life they need to share with this person. Again, I don’t want to say you have to share
this detail from your past or you have to share that detail from your past. I don’t
think there is a clear rule here that makes this a right or wrong issue. But here’s
a few principles I think you should follow: Never lie (Ephesians 4:25). If someone asks
you if you are a virgin and you are not, then don’t lie. That doesn’t mean you need
to share specific details about your sinful past, but you also both need to know enough
to know whether or not you want to be together or not.
Remember the gospel promise of new life. If someone wants to judge you based on your past
life of sin, this is a sign you should probably not be with them because they don’t understand
the power of the gospel to truly change our hearts (1 John 1:9, 2 Corinthians 5:17, 2
Corinthians 3:17-18). Treat others how you want to be treated (Luke
6:31). If there is something in your past that you would want to know if this person
had that in their past, this is a good sign you should talk about it.
The other part to this type of conversation is the future. The past is what it is. But
the future is moldable. This means there is room to compromise with each other. But if
you know there is a clear direction you will be walking towards in the future, then it’s
best to make this clear before you two get so connected that this person feels blindsided
one day. If you know you are going to med school, going to the mission field, or going
to move to a different state, these are the types of things you need to share.
It can be awkward to talk about the past and the future with someone you are not yet fully
committed to, but when God reveals the one, eventually you two will have to have these
types of difficult conversations. For more on this topic, you may want to watch
my video called, When, Why, and How to Talk About Your Past Sexual Sins with Your New
Christian Partner by clicking the card in the right corner of your screen.
4. When You Meet The One, Eventually You Need to Discuss Your Philosophy of Marriage
When someone goes through seminary, eventually they are required to write a paper that is
usually titled with something like, “Philosophy of Ministry.” As Bible-believing Christians,
there are certain truths and practices that unite us that we can all agree on. But if
you’ve gone to more than one church in your life, you will quickly realize there are many
things each ministry does differently. There will be some key similarities and some key
differences. For example, some churches are fine doing topical preaching sermons while
other churches believe in only preaching through books of the Bible. This would be a part of
their “philosophy of ministry.” Likewise, when it comes to marriage, there
are many things all Bible-believing Christians need to agree on. For example, being faithful
to your husband or wife is non-negotiable (Exodus 20:14). But, when it comes to the
roles of a husband and wife, there will be some differences between the different Christian
couples out there. Long story short, there are countless issues that can be very important
to some people. When you meet the one, you two will need to talk about your philosophy
of marriage. How do you both view a “healthy marriage,” what do you want to accomplish
together as a couple, how do you want to raise children, and so on?
Sometimes these conversations make it clear that the person you thought was the one is
not really the one. It can be awkward, but before you can fully commit to someone in
marriage, it is very wise to first talk about your beliefs about marriage and how it should
look. 5. When You Meet The One, You Two Will Need
to Make Sure You Are Actually Spiritually Compatible
“Compatibility” is truly an overrated term in my view when it comes to the ingredients
of a healthy relationship. What I mean is that there are healthy couples who are very
similar to each other and there are healthy couples who are very different than one another.
The personal traits that make us all unique are important. But the keys to a healthy relationship
are not dependent on personal preferences; they are dependent on character and spiritual
maturity in Christ. With that said, “spiritual compatibility”
is different (2 Corinthians 6:14, Philippians 2:2-5). This isn’t about what type of worship
music you enjoy or what type Bible studies you like most. Rather, this is about your
core beliefs as a Christian. Are you two compatible enough in your spirituality and Christian
beliefs to be a healthy married couple that enjoys life together? That is not always an
easy question to answer, and thus there needs to be some difficult and sometimes awkward
conversations about core beliefs. There are basically three main tiers when
it comes to spiritual differences. If you don’t know about these three tiers, I encourage
you to read this article right here: Theological Differences in Dating and Marriage and How
to Handle Both. This article will help you learn what type of differences are grounds
to go your separate ways or to simply compromise on.
I’m Mark from ApplyGodsWord.com. Until next time God bless.