- Hello? How's it going?
Um, I'm excited to be here.
I just moved to New York.
I actually broke up with my boyfriend to move cities, um.
But, no I , my friends don't like talk me out of it.
They're like, this is a bad move.
I had a friend who was like, she was like,
I'm in a long distance relationship, you should try it.
It's awesome.
And I was like,
I thought you were in an open relationship.
And she was like, yeah, we're open and long distance.
And I was like, oh, so you know a guy that's cool.
(crowd laughing)
- And that's fun that you've got like a little pal.
But I'm sorry if the the only rules are you never see him
and you never fuck him.
Like I'm dating your boyfriend too.
That's not,
(audience laughing)
an exclusive club at all.
I also made the mistake after the breakup
of like trying to go to guy friends for advice.
And it was not, it did not translate.
Every single one of them was like,
you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get out there.
You just gotta like, go fuck somebody.
And I was like, yeah, that's not how it, like, I'm a woman.
We don't, you don't get.
You don't go.
You just kind of like get fucked.
It's really not.
(audience laughing)
It's not a Kodak move.
Like, like I've never wiped come off my tits and been like,
I can do anything.
(audience laughing)
That,
is not the vibe at all.
(audience laughing)
I would describe it as contemplative.
That's more accurate.
(audience laughing)
I know.
That's okay though.
I did have a one stand.
I did fuck an Irish guy, uh which I'm very proud of.
I think he just thought I was a potato.
But it's like however you,
(audience laughing)
can get it.
I was like, I know your people are hungry and thirsty
all the time here you know.
(audience laughing)
So.
I am just glad to be,
I just graduated college a few months ago.
So it is nice to be able to,
( audience cheering)
Well, barely.
I scraped by, but thank you.
But it's just nice to be now in an apartment.
I'm not in a dorm.
I can bring somebody home without
having to check them into a building.
That's a real upgrade.
My least favorite part of sex was like clerical work.
That was not really doing it for me.
(audience laughing)
You don't want that step in the process.
You want to be able to see someone in a bar and be like,
let's fuck, and then go home and not think about it.
You don't want a moment in between
where you have to walk up to someone,
look them in the eyes and be like,
this is who I chose.
Like,
(audience laughing)
that's not a good moment for anybody.
Cause there's a security guard there and like,
she'll judge you.
She won't say anything,
but she would look back at you
and every time be like, yeah, he's not going to
choke you with those tiny little forearms.
Like what do you think is happening?
And you know what she's right, he didn't.
I asked him to stop.
His hands were clammy.
Don't, don't fuck a dude with clammy hands.
He was fingering me and he was like, you're so wet.
And I was like, that's you um.
(audience laughing)
Hmm, ahhh.
Yeah, I'm not horny.
You're nervous.
But it feels the same so.
Boo!
(audience laughing)
Now where were we?
I don't know.
That is uh,
(nervous giggling)
that you know choking stuff is neat.
Um, it makes it hard too cause I'm trying to be
a better feminist, right?
And it's hard when our oppression is my fetish.
(audience laughing)
Like 90% of the time I'm like,
don't fucking tell me what to do.
And then I get in bed and I'm like,
oh my God take away my voting rights.
Like you can, do anything.
It goes from girl boss to come slut real quick,
and it is not helping the movement at all.
(audience laughing and clapping)
At all.
And I've been very depressed this year too.
Uh I take antidepressants.
I think they're great.
They like saved my life.
I'm trying to get all my friends to take em.
But that's not an easy pitch,
cause it's not like other drugs.
There's no fun.
Like you can't just come up to people and be like,
hey this party sucks, do you want to make it just fine?
Like that's not,
(audience laughing)
That's not a fun pitch you know?
(audience laughing)
The only silver lining is I think
this is the best country to be depressed in.
Not cause it's a great place, but just because we're,
I don't know if you know this
we're one of the saddest countries on Earth.
That's not like a, that's not like an opinion.
Like they asked all of us and everyone wrote it down.
They were like, yeah, I'm bummed out.
It's like, it's like a mathematically sad place.
But what's weird
is that we still have one of the lowest suicide rates.
Which is great cause like some countries it's flipped.
Like Sweden they're one of the happiest countries
but they also one of the highest suicide rates.
Which, that's weird to me
because I'm like, who's killing themselves in Sweden dude?
(audience laughing)
Like everyone has healthcare.
Like they're shutting down prisons
because they don't have enough people.
Like the whole country is just like
a Skyrim loading screen of like
(audience laughing)
happy little Swedish people doing jigs like,
(indistinct singing)
and then you're, and you get depressed there
and then you look and see that?
You're just like, I guess it's me.
(mimicking gun going off)
And then you just, are out of there.
(audience laughing)
Which honestly, yeah if Sweden, if you were in Sweden,
you're like this isn't nice enough.
Well, that's all we got, So bye.
(audience laughing)
That's it.
But you know what I mean?
That doesn't happen here.
Cause you can hit rock bottom here,
but then there's like a community of sad people.
(audience laughing)
you know, like you can get the gun in your mouth
and be like, this sucks.
And the guy next to you is like, oh I know right?
And it's like new best friend okay?
You're back in it.
(audience laughing)
And I think,
I think the bigger safety net here that really is,
is if you want to kill yourself here,
you have to go to a Walmart to buy a gun.
(audience laughing)
Like as soon as you walk in and look up, you're like,
ohhh I'm fine.
Wow.
(audience laughing)
Whoo yeah.
If I kill myself before he kills himself,
I'm gonna to kill myself.
This cannot happen.