WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.
WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I AM SO GLAD YOU COULD BE WITH US TONIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )
I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF THE WARMTH, OF BEING WITH THE GOOD
PEOPLE HERE TODAY.
TOMORROW IS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE JANUARY 6th
INSURRECTION, THAT HORRIBLE DAY WHEN MILLIONS OF AMERICANS
STARED AT THE TV IN SHOCK AND GRIEF AND SAID, "AH, CRAP.
IS THAT UNCLE DAVE?"
THE HOUSE SELECT COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE ATTACK HAS SET
ITS SIGHTS ON A NEW TARGET: FOX NEWS HOST AND PROOF THAT THE
IRISH WEREN'T MEANT TO LIVE PAST 60, SEAN HANNITY.
LAST NIGHT, THE COMMITTEE SENT A LETTER ASKING HANNITY TO TALK TO
THEM ABOUT SOME BOMBSHELL TEXT MESSAGES THAT INDICATE THAT
HANNITY HAD "ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE REGARDING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
PLANNING FOR JANUARY 6th."
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE MOMENT HANNITY
RECEIVED THAT LETTER.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO THE COMMITTEE, ON DECEMBER 31 2020,
HANNITY SENT CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS A TEXT THAT SAID, "I DO
NOT SEE JANUARY 6 HAPPENING THE WAY HE IS BEING TOLD."
SO HANNITY CLEARLY KNEW WHAT WAS COMING.
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF THE FORMER PRESIDENT PLANNED THIS
COUP WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE ENTIRE FOX NEWS LINEUP,
INCLUDING THE COMMERCIALS.
( LAUGHTER )
DOWNSIDES TO DESTROYING OUR SYSTEM OF REPRESENTATIVE
GOVERNMENT.
ON JANUARY 5, HE WROTE TO MEADOWS AGAIN, SAYING THAT HE
WAS "VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE NEXT 48 HOURS."
SO HE EITHER HAD ADVANCE KNOWLEDGE OF THE PLOT OR HAD
JUST EATEN THREE TACO BELL BURRITO SUPREMES.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOURS WAS GOING TO BRING CHAOS.
IF THE COMMITTEE REALLY WANTS THE INSIDE SCOOP ON THE WHITE
HOUSE'S PLAN TO STAGE THE COUP, THEY SHOULD TALK TO PETER
NAVARRO, SEEN HERE THROWING A PILLOWCASE OF KITTENS INTO THE
RIVER.
NAVARRO WAS ON MSNBC LAST NIGHT, AND HE REVEALED THAT THE WHITE
HOUSE'S PLOT TO OVERTHROW THE ELECTION EVEN HAD A CUTE
LITTLE NICKNAME: >> THIS PLAN WE HAD CALLED THE
"GREEN BAY SWEEP."
>> Stephen: NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE "GREEN BAY SNEAK,"
WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ASK AARON RODGERS IF HE'S
VACCINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- SURE.
NAVARRO EXPLAINED THAT WHAT THE COUP PLOT HAD IN COMMON WITH THE
FOOTBALL PLAY WAS TEAMWORK-- AND, OBVIOUSLY, BRAIN DAMAGE:
>> WE HAD OVER 100 CONGRESSMEN AND SENATORS ON CAPITOL HILL
READY TO IMPLEMENT THE SWEEP.
WE WERE GOING TO CHALLENGE THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IN THE
SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES.
AND AT 1:00 P.M., SENATOR TED CRUZ AND GOSAR, A
REPRESENTATIVE, STARTED THE GREEN BAY SWEEP BEAUTIFULLY,
CHALLENGING THE RESULTS OF ARIZONA.
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T SEEN CRIMINAL ACTIVITY SO CLEARLY
EXPLAINED ON TV BY THE CRIMINAL SINCE RACHEL RAY WELCOMED
CO-HOST JEFFREY DAHMER.
YUMMO!
BUT NAVARRO SAYS THERE WAS ONE FLAW IN THE JANUARY 6 PLAN:
>> ALL THIS REQUIRED WAS PEACE AND CALM ON CAPITOL HILL.
>> Stephen: (AS SCOOBY VILLAIN) "AND WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY
WTH IT, TOO, IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT MEDDLING MOB WE UNLEASHED
ON CAPITOL HILL.
DAMN YOU, SCOOBY-COUP!"
BY THE WAY-- THEY GOT THE REFERENCE.
GOOD.
GLAD THEY GOT THE REFERENCE.
BY THE WAY, THAT'S NOT AN EXAGGERATION.
CHECK OUT HOW MUCH PETER NAVARRO LOOKS LIKE A SCOOBY-DOO VILLAIN.
NAVARRO THEN EXPLAINED HOW HIS GOOD OLD-FASHIONED FOOTBALL COUP
WAS SUPPOSED TO GO: >> THE REMEDY WAS FOR VICE
PRESIDENT PENCE AS THE QUARTERBACK IN THE GREEN BAY
SWEEP TO REMAND THOSE VOTES BACK TO THE SIX BATTLEGROUND STATES
FOR 10 DAYS FOR A LOOK TO SEE IF THERE WERE ANY ELECTION
IRREGULARITIES OR FRAUD.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
PENCE IS THE QUARTERBACK IN THIS SITUATION?
HE DOESN'T STRIKE ME AS THE QUARTERBACK TYPE PERSONALITY.
I'D GO WITH TACKLING DUMMY.
TOMORROW--
SEEMS LIKE FUN.
TOMORROW, CONGRESS IS GOING TO MARK THE DARK ANNIVERSARY
WITH SOLEMNITY, WITH EVENTS INCLUDING A PRAYER VIGIL.
AND DO NOT EVER DOUBT THE POWER OF PRAYER.
REMEMBER, ON MONDAY, DEVIN NUNES FORMALLY RESIGNED FROM CONGRESS.
THANK YOU FOR HEARING ME, LORD.
( APPLAUSE )
THE SOLEMNITY OF THE DAY WAS IN DANGER OF BEING UNDERMINED BY
FORMER PRESIDENT "MY LITTLE PHONY."
TWO WEEKS AGO, HE ANNOUNCED THAT AT THE TIME OF THE CAPITOL
PRAYER SERVICE, HE PLANNED TO DELIVER REMARKS DOUBLING DOWN ON
THE "BIG LIE," TO COUNTERPROGRAM THE REMEMBRANCE EVENTS.
YEAH, YOU CAN'T LET REMEMBRANCE EVENTS GO ON WITHOUT
COUNTERPROGRAMMING.
THE SAME REASON AT A FUNERAL YOU GOT TO BRING OUT AN INSULT COMIC
FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE GLAD THE GUY'S DEAD.
( INSULT COMIC )
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN HIM STIFF IN YEARS!
OH!
HIS WIFE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THAT'S MY TIME.
HIS, TOO!
TIP YOUR PALLBEARERS."
( APPLAUSE )
THE SPEECH WITH A STATEMENT.
NOW, READING THIS STATEMENT STRAIGHT WOULD GIVE IT WAY MORE
RESPECT THAN IT DESERVES, BUT I NO LONGER DO AN
IMPRESSION OF THAT CRACK WIPE ANYMORE.
SO, INSTEAD, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE HIS STATEMENT READ BY SOMEONE
WHO HAS THE SAME LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL MATURITY: A 7-YEAR-OLD
CHILD.
( IN CHILD'S VOICE )
COMMITTEE OF HIGHLY PARTISAN POLITICAL HACKS INVESTIGATING
THE CAUSE OF THE JANUARY 6th PROTEST, WHICH WAS THE RIGGED
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2020?
I WILL BE HAVING A NEWS CONFERENCE ON JANUARY 6th AT
MAR-A-LAGO TO DISCUSS ALL OF THESE POINTS, AND MORE.
UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER, THE INSURRECTION TOOK PLACE ON
NOVEMBER 3rd.
IT WAS THE COMPLETELY UNARMED PROTEST OF THE RIGGED ELECTION
THAT TOOK PLACE ON JANUARY 6.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT--
I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT: THEY WERE ARMED.
AND WHEN DID WE START HAVING TO SAY "UNARMED" PROTESTS?"
PROTESTS ARE UNARMED BY DEFAULT.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "WE HAD A LOVELY WEEKEND.
IT WAS A TOTALLY BLOODLESS COTILLION."
WELL, GOOD NEWS.
YESTERDAY, THE FORMER PRESIDENT CANCELED HIS JANUARY 6 EVENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL GIVE IT UP.
I'LL GIVE IT UP, YEAH.
I'M SURE HE'S VERY DISAPPOINTED.
I MEAN, HE'D ALREADY PICKED THE PERFECT OUTFIT FOR THE DAY.
HE EXPLAINED HIS DECISION WITH THIS STATEMENT:
>> IN LIGHT OF THE TOTAL BIAS AND DISHONESTY OF THE JANUARY
6th UNSELECT COMMITTEE OF DEMOCRATS, TWO FAILED
REPUBLICANS, AND THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA, I AM CANCELING THE
JANUARY 6th PRESS CONFERENCE AT MAR-A-LAGO ON THURSDAY, AND
INSTEAD WILL DISCUSS MANY OF THOSE IMPORTANT TOPICS AT MY
RALLY ON SATURDAY, JANUARY 15, IN ARIZONA.
IT WILL BE A BIG CROWD!
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S MOVING IT FROM MAR-A-LAGO TO ARIZONA, CONSIDERING THEIR
STATE MOTTO: ARIZONA: AMERICA'S BACKUP FLORIDA.
( APPLAUSE )
ONE.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED ONE.
APPARENTLY, THE REAL REASON HE CANCELED THE EVENT IS BECAUSE
SOME ADVISERS URGED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TO RESCHEDULE FOR A
DAY THAT WOULD DRAW LESS ATTENTION TO A LOW POINT OF HIS
PRESIDENCY.
SO, EVERY DAY OF HIS PRESIDENCY
( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING )
( APPLAUSE )
IT WOULD BE LIKE JUDAS GIVING A SPEECH TO COMMEMORATE
GOOD FRIDAY: "SURE, IT'S A SAD DAY, BUT
WITHOUT ME, NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED!
THE REAL CRUCIFIXION WAS ON NOVEMBER 3rd!
MARY MAGDALENE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
TIP YOUR PHARISEES."
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK TIMES'" MAGGIE HABERMAN, THE
REAL, REAL REASON IS THAT IT WAS BECOMING CLEAR HE WASN'T LIKELY
TO GET THE LIVE TV COVERAGE HE WAS HOPING FOR.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
UPSTAGING SOLEMN EVENTS RARELY GETS GOOD RATINGS.
THAT'S WHY THEY CANCELED "DICK CLARK'S PEARL HARBOR'S ROCKIN'
EVE."
( LAUGHTER )
RIGHT?
THERE'S AN UPDATE FROM THE WORLD OF COVID: EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
HAS COVID.
( LAUGHTER )
WERE CLOSED IN THE FIRST WEEK OF JANUARY, AND THE QUITTING RATE
FOR THE HEALTHCARE INDUSTRY REACHED AN ALL-TIME HIGH.
OKAY, THERE'S AN EASY SOLUTION HERE.
KIDS, THIS IS THE MOMENT DOC McSTUFFINS HAS BEEN TRAINING YOU
FOR.
GRAB YOUR FISHER-PRICE STETHOSCOPE AND ASK MOMMY AND
DADDY FOR A RIDE TO THE E.R.
YOU'RE SCRUBBIN' IN!
DAMMIT, McKENZIE!
THERE ARE LIVES ARE ON THE LINE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M MY OWN TWIN?
IS?
SO, THE COUNTRY'S IN CHAOS.
WHAT WE NEED IS CLEAR GUIDANCE FROM THE C.D.C., WHICH IS WHY
THEY ISSUED YESTERDAY, NEW GUIDANCE UPDATING THEIR RECENT
FIVE-DAY ISOLATION RULE WITH THIS SIMPLE ADDENDUM:
PEOPLE WHO HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE VIRUS AND HAVE ISOLATED FOR
AT LEAST FIVE DAYS CAN TAKE A RAPID TEST IF THEY WANT, BUT
THEY DON'T HAVE TO.
AND THOSE WHO TEST POSITIVE AFTER FIVE DAYS FROM THEIR
INITIAL TEST SHOULD ISOLATE FOR ANOTHER FIVE DAYS.
ALSO, PEOPLE WHO TEST NEGATIVE OR DON'T GET TESTED CAN GO BACK
TO WORK, AS LONG AS THEY WEAR A MASK.
OOH, I KNOW THIS ONE!
THE ANSWER IS...
THE KNIFE WAS AN ICICLE!
NO, YOU TAKE THE CHICKEN AND THE GRAIN, AND YOU VACCINATE THE
FOX!
AM I-- NO.
ALL RIGHT.
EVEN THE NEWS--
EVEN THE NEWS IS STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THESE UPDATED
GUIDELINES.
>> CONFUSING TIMES WHEN IT COMES TO RECOMMENDATIONS FROM THE
C.D.C.
THIS LATEST CHANGE FROM THEM, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?
>> IT IS CONFUSING.
IT DOES FEEL LIKE A BIT OF A CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE:
IF THIS, THEN THIS.
>> IT DOES FEEL IN MANY WAYS "DO THE HOKEY POKEY AND TURN
YOURSELF AROUND."
>> Stephen: GAYLE'S RIGHT.
IN FACT, THAT'S AN EASY WAY TO REMEMBER THE NEW RULES.
JON?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ TEST AFTER FIVE DAYS IN ♪ OR MAYBE JUST GO OUT
♪ HEY, AM I STILL SICK?
♪ THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIGURE OUT.
♪ YOU DO THE NOSEY-POKEY ♪ AND YOU CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP
♪ TIME FOR MY DAILY SHOUT!
AAAAAAAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, YOUNG PEOPLE ARE GETTING SCAMMED.
CAN WE DO ANYTHING TO STOP OLD PEOPLE LAUGHING AT THEM?
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT YOU PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN