Parents take care of a lot of things but who takes care of the parents?
Vicki and I are going to share with you a couple of strategies that you can implement immediately.
But there's a long game here too. So stick with us till the end and we'll give you some tools for that.
-So we're going to start off with who should not take care of the parents right? -That's a good distinction.
-And those our kids should not have to take care of us. At least, not while they're still children.
-Exactly, I can think of such tragic stories. Vicki, you and I have worked with kids for
our whole career and I remember a family who came to see me early on, and these little kids
were in foster care, why? Because they were in a position where they had to take care of their
parents because of drug addiction or disability or whatever it was. They were in a position
that is just not fair for children. -Kids who have to take care of their parents are at risk for all
kinds of things. -Right, like addiction for example, behavioral problems. Vicki, you work in the schools
you've seen this before as it manifests in the school setting. -And even relationship bonding
issues that those come up for children who have to have too much responsibility too soon. -Right,
remember from a psychological standpoint. Kids know at some level that they are helpless.
That they're toast without their parents on. -They need somebody to take care of them or to set limits.
-Right, and if that person is unable to take care of them and they have to take care of the parent.
Well, we could go on about this but I think the point is your kids are not the ones who should
be taking care of you as a parent. Of course, that shifts once you get to a certain age I guess.
Because with aging parents. That's a whole different topic. But while they're kids,
they should not have to take care of you. Before we get into those next points. Take a moment
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Let's get back to that next point. -Alright, so if the kids aren't taking care of you.
Who is? -I still remember a mom who came to my office and I asked her. I gave her a pad of paper
right in front of and she's writing down on this pad of paper everything and everybody that she
gets to take care of and it was a lengthy list. And I remember, right, she kept turning the page.
She got into it probably three-four pages and she's listing everything that she
takes care of. She starts slowing down a little bit. "Okay, I think I got it. At least that's all I can
think of right now." She handed me her list. Guess who was missing? -Herself, right?
-She didn't even include herself there. -Well, I know that is something that I think is very common.
But we really need to bring our awareness. If we really need to take control of taking care of ourselves.
As long as you leave it in the hands of anybody else you don't have control and it puts
kind of an undue burden on other people. So, take care of yourself. -We get constant reminders of this.
When we go to see our grandkids we get on a plane to go to Chicago where most of our grandkids live
and when we get on the plane they always go through the safety routine, you've been there.
Where you're supposed to follow along on the little laminated card, right?
Which we all do of course and they get to this point in the presentation where they say,
"Look, if we lose cabin pressure if something happens. These oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling
and here's how you put them on with a little rubber band." They always say at that point.
If you're traveling with young children or someone who needs assistance.
-Take care if you put your own mask on before you take care of the other person.
-Yeah, and they have to remind us because our gut response is, "Oh, I need to take care of this child",
and you do as a parent you've got to take care of your kids. But if you're out cold in the aisle.
You're just in the way, you're part of the problem now. You gotta take care of yourself. The next step,
the next tip, the next strategy, that we get to employ here is to take care of the home team,
and what do I mean by home team?
What comes to mind for you? The home team can look very different and,
you know, not only from family to family but maybe even time of life within a family.
So, really it's in a very traditional setting. It might be a husband and wife.
It might be a parent and a child. Meaning, you as the parent with your parent. It might
be you and a best friend. It might be you and a partner, I don't know. But there's always a home
team and if you don't have somebody to help you. We are part of your team. -So, you don't have to do
this alone and this is so important. -Matter of fact, it's not really very doable alone.
It's not the best way to go. -That's a good point. -Yeah. -Vicki, you say we can't really do it ourselves.
We really can't. I had a man in my office who was seeing me for some coaching and he was a
little chagrined that he needed help right. There's something shameful about that or something and he said,
"Well, I was just hoping that I could do this myself", and I said, "Oh, like what else?
What do you do yourself? Do you do anything yourself? Do you get dressed yourself?".
And he's like, "Of course, I do", right? Whereupon I asked him, "Using what? Clothing that you made
from fabrics that you put together? From fibers that you harvested?", and then he started to get it right.
I mean, there's probably a hundred people who helped him get dressed and we're going to come
back to that because the network that you have is far greater than the home team itself.
But think for a moment about who your home team is and as Vicki pointed out we're part of your home team.
Okay, because we're in your home right. But who else is there? Do you have a partner? Do you have a spouse?
Do you have friends or family or extended family, who are assisting you on the home team.
You take care of the home team and the home team will help to take care of you. This is part
of how we take care of the parents. -So once you get a little clear about who your home team is.
We can broaden that expand it a little and there are a lot of people in our community
and around us that are on our team. Like for instance, teachers might be on a team
or a pastor or I don't know, a leader on a kid's soccer team. They might be on your team.
-Can I just add a little piece here. Because you've experienced this Vicki working in the schools.
Sometimes we as parents take almost an adversarial approach right like, and we're advocating for our
children which we need to do. But remember that teacher or that coach is on your team. They're not
the enemy and sometimes they do things that we're not happy about. But it's so much better to recruit
them and inspire them and help them to come on board with our parenting agendas than it is to
to pick a fight with them, and maybe, I'm using kind of harsh terms for that. But we've seen how this
plays out for some people. -Well yeah, sometimes we want so much to be an advocate for our kid that we
end up alienating the very people that could be on our team and help the most. So just being
very clear about that what your own needs are and where the boundaries lie. But also where
the cooperation is greatest. -There's a couple of really powerful strategies that will help you
to take care of the community in the network. So, you'll notice we start with yourself.
You take care of you. You move out from there to the home team. So that's just a little larger circle
but they're still pretty close and pretty tight, and then we move out from there to the community
and the network. In fact, we've set up a community of positive parents on our learning center.
There's so many ways that you can engage at this larger scale and the tool that I was just
thinking about to power up that part of your network in your community is simply gratitude.
Gratitude and appreciation. I think those might be separate things. Feel the gratitude for how those
people contribute and then show your appreciation for them, it's huge. I just had David Horsager,
on my podcast. Look him up, he is so much fun and so spot on he talks about trust. His book is
the "Trust Edge" and he's got a new one coming out called "Trusted leader."
Anyway, I had David on my podcast. I was a guest on his podcast a few days later
in the mail, do you remember this? I got a package. -Oh, yeah. -He sent me honeycomb.
I've never eaten honeycomb before. I didn't even know it was all about but he had sent it to me.
Now, the gift itself isn't the important piece here it's that he took the time to take care
of his network this larger circle. -And expressing appreciation. -Appreciation, and you know what that did something
inside of me. Because I knew that David appreciated me and he had taken the time to express it.
So, think about the people in your network, okay. The people who are serving you. The people who
are working for and with your kids. Send them a little token of some kind of appreciation, a note.
Even a text goes a long way. I told you upfront that there's some immediate strategies hopefully
you've picked up on a few of those that you can employ. Who takes care of the parents? Well, you do yourself.
But you got your home team. You got your community and your network and I mentioned earlier
that there's a long game here too. Because what we're doing really is establishing a culture,
a tradition, practices, and habits that can sustain us long term and that implies continual learning
and growth. -Yeah, just be committed to constantly learning and being open to new and better ways to
to build your family and to build the culture and to take care of yourself
and your team. There's going to be a lot of change and that's why the constant learning
and growth is important. -I want you to know that we practice this. In fact, I noticed this morning.
We both did our little exercise routine this morning. We both had our earbuds in listening to what?
What you're listening to? Podcasts, audiobooks. We're constantly seeking to learn. Now, all of our
kids are grown. We're here to help you as well and so we want to stay fresh and we want to stay up on.
-But grown kids still need support as well. -You don't stop being a parent just because your
kids grew up, that's exactly right. So this is a lifetime endeavor. Commit to constant learning,
personal development, growth, and something that I call mental hygiene. It rhymes with dental hygiene.
Okay, you brush your teeth every day right? Well, yeah of course you do, and you don't really just
brush your teeth once and then think, "Okay, I'm good". -No, and you don't even have to make time for
it becomes part of your routine, right? So that's where we're going with this continual learning.
-Can I throw in a little challenge here for you guys. Because I know you're up for it. You're conscious
engaged parents. So, here's your challenge. Spend as much time at least as much time on your
mental hygiene as you do on your dental hygiene are you in and that's only a few minutes a day, really.
But even that amount so, being here on the channel that counts, okay. That counts as your
mental hygiene. But what else can you do to make sure that on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.
You are practicing things that help you to increase your knowledge, your learning, your skill set.
That's where the magic happens. Did you get some good ideas from that? There's more where that came from.
In fact, click on this video positive parenting. There are some tricks to it. Click on this next
video to get some very clear resources that will help you to make this a lifelong practice.