- How do you overcome the denial stage?
I'm not in the denial stage, so I wouldn't know,
like, am I in the denial stage?
"Mended Light."
(bright music)
Okay, so in their book, "On Grief and Grieving,"
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler
talk about the five stages of grief.
And one of the things they talk about
that brings me a lot of comfort,
some of you know,
I take a lot of pains to express myself clearly
on this channel
and to avoid misunderstandings,
and yet, misunderstandings happen.
And sometimes, I feel like it's on me.
I didn't express myself as clearly as I may have.
Other times, I feel like, aw man,
I really went outta my way to be clear on this,
and people are still accusing me of saying
or thinking things, often offensive,
that I'm not saying or thinking.
And it brought me so much comfort in this book,
"On Grief and Grieving," that the author said,
yeah, we came up with the five stages of grief
and people get that wrong all the time.
People know denial, anger, bargaining,
depression, and acceptance,
but they don't fully understand them.
And because they only partially understand them,
they often misapply them.
And so, this just brought me a lot of comfort.
This is just a tangent, sorry.
This is my ADHD brain on display for you folks today.
Okay, so denial.
What we often think denial is,
is saying, this isn't happening,
or it didn't happen, or it's not going to happen.
Often the idea that something is staring you in the face
and you are just in denial, right?
Or that I don't have this problem
or I don't have this struggle.
And sometimes, that is what denial means.
But far more often than not,
denial is part of the grief process
where we know something rationally,
but emotionally, we're not fully feeling it.
You know, we feel it for a little bit
and then emotionally, we retreat.
We need these portals of refuge, right?
Because we can't be flooded with it all at once,
it's the reason why we feel numb after a tragedy
and then the grief kind of sets in later.
Or in a moment of catastrophe or high pressure,
oftentimes, we aren't afraid
and we're clearheaded, and we're not panicked,
and we're surprised that we're doing so okay,
and then the crisis passes,
and then suddenly, the emotion kind of comes running in.
I did an episode on Jack Bauer from "24"
where he's been fighting terrorists all day,
and saving lives all day, and taking lives all day
and there's just a lot of pressure,
and then the threat has passed,
and he just gets in his car and he cries.
Well, that is a form of denial and it's not unhealthy.
So the question, how to overcome the denial stage?
First of all, we have to recognize
that sometimes, there's nothing to overcome.
That in the case of emotional denial,
as long as we're not willfully suppressing our emotions,
and sometimes we should, right?
It's a crisis, so I will feel this fear and sadness later.
Right now, I have to be present.
Like that's fine,
but as long as we're not denying our emotions
and just letting them come as they come,
there's nothing unhealthy
about a subconscious unwilling denial
where our brain is saying,
hey, here's your limit for trauma today.
You can't go further than that because you can't handle it.
So you get to this point
and then you just like stop and you go numb, that's healthy.
But this question is more about denial
in the sense of I'm denying my problems,
I'm denying what's gone wrong,
or I'm denying what is off about me.
Why do we deny, in those circumstances,
the way that people classically use that?
We deny very often because of insecurity.
If there's a situation, if there's a problem,
and it's my fault, then I feel diminished,
and that is basic human psychology.
That's everyone I've ever met.
If I make a mistake that anywhere from inconveniences
to really hurts another person, then I feel guilt and shame
and I don't wanna feel guilt and shame.
Those are unpleasant emotions.
I'd much rather deny that this was my fault.
I'd much rather shift blame to somebody else.
Let them own it.
Okay, I'm sorry I got mad,
but you shouldn't have talked to me that way, right?
That's taking a step into an apology
and then a hard left into blaming somebody else.
Denying, or we also deny because we don't see the connection
between our choices and behavior
and a certain outcome, right?
If I'm a parent who's overbearing and controlling
and I don't see myself as overbearing and controlling,
I see myself as involved because I love my children
and I want them safe,
and my children resent me,
and are sarcastic and rude to me and withdraw from me,
I don't see that connection because in my mind,
my intention is good.
My intention is to help, right?
And so, I'm just loving them.
I'm just helping them.
I'm just guiding them along,
and they're ungrateful, and they're spoiled brats,
and they're mean, right?
That's a form of denial
because I'm refusing to see
how no matter how well-intentioned,
my choices are making them feel controlled and resentful,
and instead of wanting to draw near to me,
they're wanting to push me away.
Very, very, very often,
we have a stronger hand in creating our circumstances
than we would like.
So how do you overcome that form of denial?
First and foremost, hold yourself accountable.
Use your own head and look for connections.
What are the rocks you don't want to appear underneath?
What are the things that you're afraid to admit
and acknowledge?
Most of us have pretty good self-awareness,
we just ignore it and suppress it,
but it's there.
If I yell at my child, I feel guilty
and I may brush that away and say, well, they had it coming.
And then dig into that mentality
instead of, I don't like how I talked to my kid just now.
And that's not on them, that's on me.
Like their behavior may have been out of line,
but they're two separate things.
So you start with self-examination.
And when you find things to be accountable for,
take accountability for them,
not just inwardly, but outwardly as well
with a genuine apology,
and in an apology, the best apology is changed behavior.
So a verbal is good and you should start with that,
but then from there,
what's the plan to do things differently?
What's the plan to make things right?
The next thing is to get an accountability partner.
Someone to call you on your crap.
Most of us don't want to be called on our crap.
We'd much rather call other people out.
It's uncomfortable to have someone hold the mirror up
and say, this is where you're hurting me.
This is where you're dropping the ball.
This is where I feel like pulling away from you.
It's not pleasant,
which is why sometimes people go to therapy
and at the end of the session,
they said, I thought you were supposed to
make me feel better?
And that is long term, the desire of therapy,
but in a session by session basis,
sometimes it's not about making you feel better at all,
it's about making you see what is actually going on.
And that discomfort can be a good thing.
That discomfort can lead you to make changes,
to make adjustments, and to grow.
So a therapist is a good accountability partner,
loved ones, family members, spouses, et cetera.
Here's the thing about an accountability partner, though,
they hold you accountable.
They're not responsible for your behavior.
You are asking them to show you what they are seeing.
And that can be really helpful
in overcoming the denial stage.
I would journal,
what are some hard things,
lessons that I learned about myself,
things that I was unwilling to see
until the consequences became so great
that I had to see them?
I, myself, have believed in the idea of my own goodness
so much that I was blind to how I was hurting people,
how I was mistreating people,
how I was taking advantage of people
because I believed that I wasn't capable
of that sort of thing because I'm a compassionate person,
I'm a kind person, I'm a caring person.
And then I had to see, oh,
I'm all of those things, like the good and the bad,
that's all part of me.
We get into denial when our worldview
or our self-view is challenged, but it's not either or.
You know you can be a kind, compassionate, giving person,
genuine person, and still bowl over others,
or steamroll over others, or hurt their feelings,
or insult them,
and think you're justified when you're actually not,
and I would embrace my complexity if I were you.
I would embrace my complexity
as both someone capable of great good and of great harm,
and I would take ownership of both of those things.
How do we overcome the denial stage?
Well, if it's grief, don't suppress the feelings.
Let them in.
And if it's life, if it's life choices, if it's you,
then take the time to do self-exploration,
be accountable and make changes,
and make specific plans to change,
have someone hold you accountable,
and accept both the good and the bad as part of who you are.
What other questions would you like me to answer
in these Ask a Therapist segments?
Let me know in the comments below.
If you enjoyed this video,
checkout this other one,
"That Jackass Cheated. Should You Be Done?"
Another one of our video series here.
When do you find that you are in denial?
What have been your struggles with that
and how have you worked through it?
Or how are you working through it?
Or what are your hangups?
Let us know in the comments below.
As always, folks, keep shining because we need your light.
(bright music)