Greetings, and welcome to Earthling Cinema.
I am your host, Garyx Wormuloid.
This week's artifact is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which -- fittingly for a
story about wizards -- pulls off the incredible magic trick of turning one book into two movies.
The film begins by documenting the rise of Tom Voldemort, who is seizing power despite
having lost the popular vote by 3 million.
But rather than address foreign policy or the collapse of the middle class, his primary
focus is on healthcare -- specifically ending the health of a high school athlete named
Harry Potter.
Unfortunately for him, Harry is healthier than ever.
"Look away, I'm hideous."
Harry is determined to defeat Voldemort by destroying all the pieces of his soul, which
are called whore-crutches, since, as everyone knows, whores have no need for souls.
Apparently all the adults are too busy for this incredibly dangerous mission upon which
rests the fate of the free world, so Harry enlists two other high schoolers, Hermione
and His-mione, or Ron for short.
The first whore-crutch is a locket, and they quickly get that by mugging an old lady.
They can't figure out how to destroy it,
"Incendio!"
"Diffindo! Reducto!"
but then a horse ghost shows up and leads Harry
to a big letter opener, which is perfect for this sort of thing.
Next they travel to someone's dad's house and learn all about the Deathly Hallows: the
Elder Wand, the second one, and the Cloak of Invisibility.
Harry realizes Voldemort wants the Elder Wand because it's the only thing powerful enough
to kill him, a teenager of below-average height.
Some more stuff about whore-crutches and then it's off to school, since they're a few months
late and those tardies can really add up.
Voldemort and his army arrive to burst their bubble,
and Harry realizes Voldemort's snake --
is the final whore-crutch.
Or so he thinks!
In a stunning Pepsi twist, a Coked out Snape Mountain-Dews the impossible by revealing
he's been a good guy the whole time.
Oh, and as long as he's revealing shit, might as well mention that Harry himself is actually
the whoriest crutch of them all.
Harry surrenders to Voldemort so he can get in one last hang sesh with Gandalf, I mean
Obi-Wan, I mean gay Santa.
Voldemort has just finished telling everyone Harry is dead when Harry wakes up, making
the V-Man look pretty foolish.
Some nerd opens the snake with the letter opener, and then Harry and V-Money try one
last time to save their relationship, but to no avail.
Harry breaks the Elder Wand so nobody can do magic ever again.
As a reward for all their accomplishments, the main characters don't age for the rest
of their lives.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows explores the evils of prejudice in a mostly affluent,
mostly white society.
Voldemort considers pure-blooded wizards superior to those with mixed ancestry.
"It is Mrs. Burbage's belief that muggles are not so different from us.
She would, given her way, have us mate with them."
His campaign harkens to the Third Reich, when, ironically, Albus Hitler targeted Jews for
being TOO magical.
Closer examination of the series reveals countless examples of marginalized groups.
House elves are slaves to powerful wizarding families.
"How dare you defy your masters!"
Goblins are seen as greedy and untrustworthy.
"Liar!"
Dragons aren't allowed to wear clothes.
"That's barbaric."
Countless.
Harry disregards these oppressive labels, just as he ignores the stigmas attached to
people like "Loony" Lovegood.
The film suggests that Harry's acceptance of difference is one of the essential components
to his success, along with being famous.
Because he befriended Luna, he gets crucial assistance from a terrifying ghost.
"Are you a friend of Luna's?"
And Dobby, whom Harry freed from servitude, gives his life to provide the necessary emotional
beat to bridge the two movies.
The film uses biblical allusions to accentuate its message of tolerance, and to remind people
what the best book was before Harry Potter.
Harry bears many similarities to Young Jeezy Louise-y.
They share a nickname and both exhibit meaningful scars inflicted by enemy attacks.
Harry's return from the train station mirrors the resurrection story and the idea that a
sacrifice in the name of love may deliver people from trains.
In contrast, Voldemort takes his sobriquet from Satan and shares his association with
the snake, the least Jesus-like animal in the world because of its inability to wear sandals.
The film concludes that moral virtue is not inherent, but rather a product of one's choices.
Despite all the horrible things that have happened to Harry -- like never getting a
cell phone -- he not only refuses to take vengeance on those who have wronged him, but
puts himself in danger to help them.
Nobody is irredeemable because it's never too late to choose to be less shitty.
Snape becomes a double agent so he can have free reign to act like an asshole.
Draco stops being an asshole and develops face blindness.
"Well?"
"I can't be sure."
And Draco's mother develops pulse blindness.
"Dead."
But as the fable of the deathly hallows teaches, in order to be truly good one must curb his ambition.
The elder wand symbolizes the lure of power and its fatal consequences, to which Voldemort
naturally succumbs, as would a great many others.
"Just sayin, that's the elder wand. The most powerful wand in the world. We'd be invincible."
Harry chooses instead to destroy it, emphasizing the fact that he's an idiot.
For Earthling Cinema, I'm Garyx Wormuloid.
Disappeario!