Alright, since April Fool's Day is in pissing distance
I figured I'd talk a little about pranks
But more specifically
About the prank war between me and a few friends of mine
Now, this prank war all started with a Christmas tree
It was an old Christmas tree, that my friend Stephen had to get rid of
Now, instead of taking it to the curb, like most people would
He decides to drive over to my house with it
He sees my car parked out in the street
It's totally unlocked, it's looking vulnerable
And he starts thinking:
"Hey, I wonder if this Christmas tree would fit in this car?"
So in broad daylight he starts shoving this pine tree into my car
Nobody stops and asks him any questions
"Hey, why are you doin' that?"
"It looks like a shitty thing to do"
No, my roommate Brewer comes outside right in the middle of all this
And he sees Stephen, penetrating my car with his pine tree
And he's overjoyed!
It's not his car, after all He doesn't care!
"I like what you're doin' here! You are giving that car THE BUSINESS!"
So somehow Stephen manages to squeeze this dead pine tree
Into my tiny-ass Chevy Cavalier
Like he's some kind of shitty David Copperfield
And a few hours go by, I walk out to my car
I take one look at it, and I'm like: "Hey, wait a minute, something's different!"
"I don't remember putting a..
"I don't remember putting a.. GODDAMN PINE TREE IN MY CAR!"
Part of me wasn't even mad
He kinda had me impressed, that he actually got the tree to fit
It had to be at the precise angle!
His ass had to be out there with a giant protractor or some shit!
That's pretty impressive!
But I tell you what's not impressive:
The eight million dead pine needles that are scattered throughout my car!
They're on the cup holder
On the dashboard
Every time I sit down, it feels like small porcupines getting shoved up my ass
Now I got to figure out how to get back at Stephen
But before I get back at Stephen, I decided to get my revenge on Brewer
Because after all, he could've blown the whistle on this whole operation
He could've at least shot me a text message
Like: "Hey, dude! There's a Chrismas miracle happening outside"
"You wanna come check it out?"
No, he didn't do that
So I form a little posse, have a couple people come over
And we decide to try to duct tape Brewer's bed to the ceiling
Now, I don't know if you've ever attempted such an ambitious maneuver
But taping a bed to a ceiling is a little difficult
You have to have three people standing on chairs
Holding the bed up to the ceiling, box-spring and all
While one person goes around and tapes everything
We used three rolls of duct tape on this goddamn thing
And it just wouldn't stay
[Thud]
"God damn it! Well, I guess we're gonna have to use plan B"
Plan B was we were just gonna steal his bed and hide it somewhere
And then, since we're so goddamn funny
We're gonna put a piece of bread, where his bed used to be
And then we're gonna drive to his work
And leave a note in his car, and the note says:
"You look tired, go to bread"
God damn it, we are comedic geniuses!
Now, I can only imagine the look on his face
When he read that weird cryptic-ass message that we left in there
"You look tired.. go the bread"
"What in tarnation does that mean?"
But I'm sure it made perfect sense, when he got home
And had to go on a shitty little scavenger hunt for his bed
But you bet your ass he did find it
Because a slice of Wonder Bread makes a shitty place to sleep
Okay, cross Brewer off the list
Now on to Stephen
But before I could get back at Stephen
For whatever reason my friend Cody decides to throw his hat in the ring
He wants to get involved in this prank war!
So the next day I'm at work, making pizzas
And Cody shows up, and he wants a pizza
So I make him a nice little pizza
And I don't even spit in it, because I am a gentleman, what can I say
But before he leaves..
He decides, he's gonna go to my car
He's gonna draw a big ol' wiener on my back windshield with a window chalk
So a few hours go by, and I leave work
And I'm totally oblivious
Hell, it's not until I'm in the middle of traffic at a red light
When I look at my rear view mirror, noticing
"What in tarnation is tha..
"What in tarnation is tha.. OH, MAN, IT'S A BIG DINGUS!"
Everybody on the street can see it
People are honking their horns and shit
"Hey, that's quite a wiener decal you got there!"
"Uh.. thank you!"
I drove all the way home with the wiener on my car
Looking like a NASCAR, that is sponsored by Wieners Inc.
Okay, looks like Cody's name is going on the shit list
I call him up in the middle of night
"I'm gonna get you back, you're not gonna know when.."
"And you're not gonna know how, but I'm gonna get you back!"
"You drew a wiener on my car.."
"And you soiled my reputation GOD DAMN IT, I'M GONNA GET YOU!"
But Cody was easy to get back
All I had to do was get some window chalk of my own
And write "I drink pee" on his bumper, right before he'd leave work
I did that sporadically for like a month
I also wrote shit on Brewer's car too [I eat poop]
Because.. well, what the hell, why not?!
Okay, so back to revenge on Stephen!
Because after all he's the one that started this whole goddamn mess
After 12 days of Christmas at my Cavalier
So me and Brewer sitting there one night, thinking
"What's worse than drawing a big wiener on his car?"
"How about drawing a thousand tiny wieners on his car?"
"THAT is a great idea!"
"You are a goddamn genius!"
So that was the plan
Me, Brewer, his girlfriend, and my cousin David
Were all gonna sneak over to Stephen's house at two in the morning
And by golly, we were gonna draw as many wieners as we could on his Ford Contour
So we're out there, sneaking around in the dark, like Seal Team Six
Markers in hand, ready to draw some wieners
And there is his car, looking vulnerable, just like mine was
So we get to wiener drawing
Some of them have smiley faces
Some of them look like they've been hit by car
In 15 minutes we covered every square inch of that car with phalluses
"Job well done, gang! Let's hit the road!"
The morning rolls around, and Stephen's uncle pulls up in front of the house
He's the first one, that gets to lay eyes on the wiener mobile parked out front
"Oh my God!"
"What kind of shit has my nephew got himself involved in?"
He goes inside, tells Stephen's mom
"Hey, there's a bunch of wieners on your son's car!"
"WHAT?!"
"Steve's car, there's a bunch of dicks all over it!"
"Like.. like severed dicks?"
"No, no! Jesus Christ, they're drawings!"
"Not a bunch of cut-off dicks all over his car, what the hell is the matter with you?!"
That morning was the morning that Stephen had to get up
And scrub a thousand wieners off his car
And I take great pride in that, I feel like that's ample revenge for what he did
"Hey, that's quite a bunch of wieners on your car there!"
"Yeah, I'm aware, thank you!"
My favourite part of the story
Is that six days later, Stephen's at the gas station, filling up his car
And he looks over to his gas tank, and he sees one little wiener that he missed
With a little message that says: "Insert here"
"Oh, God damn it!"
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