- Maybe someday you'll get to the point
where you'll see that I am a person not a sexuality.
- Hi.
- I grew up in a conservative Christian home.
I didn't really actually know,
I don't think any LGBTQ people until high school.
I didn't even really know what that meant.
So when I finally realized that I was gay,
which was when I was 23, which his pretty late in my opinion
to finally figure out a big part of yourself.
I was home for Christmas break,
there was this anxiety that was eating me up
to the point where I actually was sick,
like I would throw up like once a day
cause it was eating me alive.
It was Christmas Eve and I grabbed my parents
and my sister and I called them into the kitchen
and the only words that I could get out of my mouth
were I date dudes.
And I was like panicking.
And then my parents and my sister were like,
we know.
And I was like, how the hell could you know that,
I didn't know that.
They were waiting for me
to finally be ready to tell them.
But I didn't expect a lot of push back
from both my church community
and the LGBTQ community to sort of,
like take a stance against the other one somehow.
There was a point where I was unasked
to be a part of church groups that I was in.
One of my really close friends growing up,
he asked me to be his best man in his wedding
and then after I came out to him, about two weeks later,
he called me and un-asked me to be his best man.
So that was pretty painful.
But I have kind of found this small community of people
that they see me now for all of me.
Not just one part or the other.
I've started to find that
maybe there's like a third path
that's not I have to believe this
or I have to be this.
There maybe is a way for me to embrace all of myself.
And find joy in every part of myself
without needing to be one thing or another.
That's where I'm at.
- When I was in middle school
I became friends with a girl named Julie.
Julie was much cooler than anyone I'd ever known
and I was stoked when she wanted to start
having weekly sleepovers with me.
One night during these sleepovers
I was sitting next to her in her playroom
and the next thing I knew her lips were on mine.
Kissing during sleepovers became our weekly secret
as we got to know each other better.
Until a few months later when Julie decided
she had a crush on a boy
and didn't wanna kiss me goodnight anymore.
Later, Julie told everyone we knew
what had happened between the two of us.
And it was only then that I understand
just how not okay this facet of my personality was
with our classmates.
Our peers and friends mocked us every time they saw us.
Screaming "dykes"
and I didn't really know what to do about it.
Being super religious, I didn't even know what dyke meant.
So I had a lot of questions.
Was I one and what did that even mean?
The first time I ever saw real lesbians
was Teegan and Sarah's video for Walking with a Ghost
and I was transfixed.
I grew up in a loving family
and I never once doubted that my parents loved me.
But to me, being gay seemed too much
for this religious family to bear.
I was so scared to tell them what I was actually about
and what I had figured out about myself so I didn't.
I kept it a secret for as long as I could.
One morning, my mom and I went to the California State Fair,
on a hot, 103 degree day in Sacramento.
After sweating it out in the morning,
we went to lunch
and as we sat across from each other,
my mom asked me the question I'd been dying to answer
since middle school.
Was I gay?
I said yes.
I could've never guessed what a beautiful
and honest conversation my mom and I would have
about who I truly was
as she listened and understood this burden
that I'd been carrying for such a long time.
Not only did I know that I could be free
but I could also be fully and completely seen
for who I am as a person.
Better yet, this story has a super happy ending.
I fell in love again.
We share a cute house.
We have two dogs and we are a family.
And best of all, every single night
is a sleepover with a girl who always wants to kiss me.
- Your story was great
and it actually gave me a lot of hope at the end.
- Your story was so relatable to me,
just as someone who was raised religiously.
And worked, I was like a youth leader
and worked at church camp.
Like I was like yes I understand all of it
and I think like when you're raised in the church
it's not something that you get over losing.
Like that felt like a grief to me
and so I really appreciated like
this idea of a third path
that you could have that's such a beautiful sentiment.
- Yeah.
- It's interesting, there seems to be such pressure
to like come out and figure it out.
And while I wish I would've come out earlier,
I also, I had to be ready.
And I'm glad that like, I felt
resolved within myself.
And I was 30 when I came out
so I feel you on being like a little bit later.
Like, 30 is.
I think people need permission to do it
on their own schedule.
It's not too late, ever.
- I guess the biggest question for me was
you talked a lot about,
as sort of intrinsic fears you felt before coming out.
- Uh huh.
- What was the thing you were most afraid of happening?
- I, now I'm gonna get misty,
I love my family.
And
I think I underestimated
how deep my parents love is for me.
And I think that that ended up being,
it's changed our relationship
because I know that, you know they are religious people
and I think that was a hard thing
and I think that too,
a lot of parental angst comes from
wanting the best for their kids
and wanting your kids to have an easy life.
I think seeing how they reacted to me
and how much they love me and supported me
and now love my partner and support us
has been like the best antidote to that shame.
- The friend that I talked about,
I don't tell a lot of people about it,
even my friends.
Because after it happened,
I wrote him a really long letter
cause the last thing he said to me on the phone that day
was I love you, but I can't rationalize this choice
that you've made with what I believe.
And I wrote him a long letter and said like,
I didn't make a choice.
That's like saying that I chose to be this height.
And I still,
I don't know, I still hope I guess
some day that we'll be friends again.
- It's his loss.
Which I know is like a trite thing to say but
like you deserve people who are
fully accepting of who you are.
And I'm so sorry for that pain.
That's, unbelievable to me.
- Thank you.
- I think it's such a precious experience
that each of us go through.
Like whether it's tumultuous or amazing,
it's ours and so getting a chance to hear
other people's stories is always so inspiring.
Can we hug?
- Absolutely, yes, I think we need somebody to hug.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- I'm a teacher.
I am super fortunate to teach where I do now.
We have LGBT educator groups
and it's just accepted in my district
in a way that I never thought that I would experience.
I think it's good for kids to have
a queer adult and it's not something I take lightly.
It just feels like I'm congruent
in all areas of my life.
And that feels really, really good.