I've got 5 clear strategies that you can use as you're trying to figure out
how to deal with a stubborn defiant child. Okay. Mom, dad. You know exactly
where I'm going with this. The most important element in dealing with a
stubborn and defiant child is to control yourself. I know you got to hear it again,
probably. Control yourself. That's hard to do especially when the
kid is just bouncing off the walls or refusing to cooperate. That can be so
aggravating and frustrating and we end up losing our cool. That's usually the
worst thing that could happen. But we all do it too so I don't want you to feel
ashamed or guilty because that's happening. Let's just get on top of it in
some ways that can help you to actually keep your cool as a parent. There's a
whole lot of videos here in the positive parenting playlist here on the channel
that will help you with just that. So, go look up a few of those titles and spend
a little time in the playlist. That's going to help. You got to keep your own
cool. Obviously, one of the things that will help you to keep your own cool is
to get clear about what you control and what you don't. Usually, we get really
frustrated about things that we don't even control. We're trying to control
those things but we don't have any control over those things and that tends
to breed frustration and anger. And that's where we're losing our cool. So,
getting clear about what you control. Kids are really good at this. And I've
taught parents for years that there are 3 rules for control battles. Do you
remember the 3 rules? Let's go over them really quickly. Rule number 1,
avoid them. Don't get into a control battle if you don't have to. Rule number
2, if you can't avoid them, win them. I know,
right? Isn't that a great rule? Kids seem to have an uncanny knack for
actually doing this. And it's big they understand rule number 3 which
is you pick the issues. And you always pick something that you control. You're
not going to get into a control battle for example about whether a kid throws a
temper tantrum or not. No. Because you don't control that. Kid does, right? But
you might control where that temper tantrum occurs? You certainly control
what you provide in terms of services and access and privileges. All of those
things are within your control. So, those things are okay to focus on and that
will help you to keep your cool as we're dealing with a stubborn defiant child.
Let's spend a moment on the power of choice and accountability. Choice is
almost synonymous with freedom. Almost. Because if we get to choose things then
we experience freedom, right? We have some control over our own life. Kids are
sometimes desperately trying to gain control. They don't always know exactly
how to do it through appropriate maturity. In fact, we've got other videos
on the channel that talk about that as well. How to teach children
responsibilities as an example. Go check that out after you watch this video.
Giving children choices helps them to experience a level of control which
actually moves them along in their moral development so that they can become more
mature. You'll feel better as a parent too. Because you're offering them choices. And
then here's part of what powers it up: You detach yourself from either choice. I
like to give kids two choices. Both of which I'm okay with. Because then I can
say, "You know what, sweetie? You can do this or you can do that.
Either way is really okay with me." Now, see that puts me in a position as a
parent that is really kind of sweet. I'm not invested in the outcome. They
probably are. And that's what I want to encourage. Defiant oppositional stubborn
kids are usually trying to gain more control. So, let's give them 2 choices.
That way they can feel like they have some control over what's going on in
their own life. That's a powerful strategy. The accountability part
deserves a little bit of attention as well. Once we make a choice, we are now
accountable for whatever consequences come from that choice. This is true for
you and me. It's true for our kids too. So, the best thing we can do as a parent in
that sense is to make sure that we're consistent as we follow up with
consequences and allow our children to be accountable for the choice that they
just made. I just gave you a phrase that I hope you put into your toolbox as a
parent. Either way is okay with me. That phrase is such a powerful tool. Let me
give you another one: No problem. Now, you have to say it with kind of a lightness
to your voice. A little lilt to your voice. You want to raise your eyebrows
just to touch and have a little bit of a smile. "No problem." Okay? Now, when I'm
smiling, kids are getting nervous because obviously, I know something they don't
know, right? And that makes them a little nervous. But it encourages them to think.
So, I want to use that phrase no problem as much as I can. And get to yes. Put this
in your tool box as well. Get to yes. Stubborn defiant children are trying to
assert what it is they want over what it is that you want. What if you could just
agree with them? And they say to you, "I really want that new game." And instead of
a null response, you say, "Yes. That would be awesome wouldn't it? Tell me about
your plans for getting that game? What did you have in mind?"
See, you can get to yes and it could be conditional. Yes if or a yes when. When
you combine this tool with the others that we've already talked about, you've
got a great tool box in vocabulary here that will
put you into a position of power and influence as a parent. For 5 more
specific tips based in positive parenting, watch this video next. "How to
deal with a stubborn child: 5 positive parenting tips." You're going to enjoy
that video. Thank you for being here on the channel. I hope you share this with
others as well.
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