- The internet exists for two reasons.
The first one is to Google things
that you probably know the answer to, but you're not sure,
but you want to double check.
And the second reason is to suffer needlessly
at the hands of these trillion dollar
Silicon valley tech giants.
(screams)
(typing)
(metal music)
We're gonna be doing the latter today
because suffering in unison is one way
to build a lifelong bond that is unbreakable.
And that's what I'm trying to build here with you guys.
The Snapchat discover page.
It's what millions of teenagers are logging into daily
to get their dose of smooth brain content.
I imagine there's like maybe 0.5% of it that's funny.
And the rest of it is just the,
the equivalent of a lobotomizing our youth,
opening their brains and funneling a bunch of sludge
in there to turn them into fucking
useless members of society.
I'm guilty of it. I mean we're all guilty.
What is social media but just numbing our brains?
So let's go through and suffer together.
See what we can find here.
Relationship memes.
Vacuuming her lips, so she can't kiss other guys.
This is gonna be so lit.
(pounding techno music)
- Oh my god! No!
It's dark I think. Did you guys see my coochie or my butt?
Say yes if you did.
(dial-up tone)
- Dude what is happening?
- Three things that are a waste of your hard earned money.
- Can you follow this? Everything's happening so fast.
- What are you doing?
(singing along)
- Me being kidnapped but it's okay
because my girlfriend tracks every step I take.
(violins playing)
But does your boyfriend play cars on your ass?
- How how, how am I, how am I gonna,
I'm, I'm, trying to clean up,
you taking a nap in the middle of the,
I'm trying to clean up
and the vacuum accidentally sucked on you.
That wasn't my fault. That's your fault for,
I don't, I don't, I can't--
- Hold on. Is there, ugh.
(thinking music)
This is happening so fast, dude.
My brain, I'm having trouble keeping up.
I don't know if it's because I'm ancient,
or if there's no punchlines,
if they're supposed to be related,
or if there just fucking,
pop! Pop! Pop!
One after the other! Meme! Meme! Relationship meme!
Five seconds, three seconds.
They just don't give you a chance to think.
That's the whole point, I guess.
- [Automated Voice] Putting a raw egg
in my boyfriend's orange juice prank.
- About to be a how I broke up with my dumb ass bitch prank.
- Okay? So that one's yours.
Ready, set, go.
- Honestly you wouldn't even be able to taste the egg
but the consistency is gonna be nasty.
(laughing)
(error sounding)
- He didn't even eat the egg.
He didn't even drink the egg!
(somber music)
It's not a prank, if he doesn't actually ingest the egg!
Zero delivery, whatsoever.
This is just not for me.
We gotta do better than this Snapchat discover.
No one cares about relationship memes.
Those are stupid.
The baby is jacked.
Dude, look at the size of this three year old.
All right so they basically bait...
Wait where did that baby go?
Where'd the baby go?
There he is! There he is!
Wait, what? Who is this baby?
That's it?
There's no explanation they just use it as click bait
and then they, now it's softball.
Like what the fuck is happening?
What is happening on this goddamn app?
So they get you sucked in because this fucking
three year old is super jacked
and then it's just like spam of like three second clips
of people flexing and shit.
Is this how we consume things now?
Is this what it takes to keep people's attention?
Is this how fucking brain fried we've become?
None of this makes sense.
I just imagine everyone just like sitting at home
I'm so fucking bored. I'm so bored.
And everything has to be ingested in fucking
two and half second clips or your brain can't handle it.
You gotta love this click bait.
The doctor crawls into the ocean to save a stingray.
With that photo right there, I'm gonna be honest,
I see something I'd crawl into, but it isn't an ocean.
You know what outside like to crawl into?
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You won't believe these Tik Tok trends.
I bet you I will.
Okay. That was fine. I mean that I believe.
Anything for views.
- I literally already know this is a bad idea.
We have a match here.
All right. Ready?
Three, two.
It's so hot, I'm scared.
- Putting it out with your tongue.
- Just gonna go for it this time.
I'm just going to go for it.
- Or is it something else?
- Three, two, one.
Oh my gosh. I actually did it.
It didn't hurt.
All right so if you take a bottle of
(door banging)
(gun cocking)
(gun firing)
- Guys, guys, guys, guys.
I don't know who needs to hear this.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you're worthy.
You're beautiful. You matter.
No, I'm just kidding.
You're probably a piece of shit degenerate like I am,
but if you didn't know,
you could put a match out on your tongue, you're an idiot.
There's no way to explain if you didn't know
that that wouldn't hurt,
you're an idiot.
It's the same way you can lick your fingers
like this and squeeze out a candle flame.
It's not rocket science. Everyone knows this shit.
- All right so if you take a bottle of Coke
and you put it over the candle right here,
it creates this cool vacuum effect where it sucks up the
liquid, just like that.
But this is cool.
- As it burns the oxygen.
- Kind of slow, kind of boring.
But what's cool is if you take some rubbing alcohol
and you pour a little bit in the Coke
and then you shake it around
And then you put it on top of the candle.
Oh my gosh. It's much more exciting.
- I don't know if exciting is the word I would use.
I love this vein of content that is hugely popular
on Facebook and I mean I guess it's been popular for years,
even on YouTube, where people look up, you know,
like fourth grade science experiments,
second grade science fair projects,
and they turn them into fucking YouTube videos,
add a little bit of food coloring to it,
and the shit bangs.
I don't know why, I guess it makes for good click bait,
but I've always noticed that like
the shit you used to see at like
your second grade science fairs, like, oh my God,
add this sulfuric acid.
And it makes a fucking volcano and 60 billion views.
Carey what the fuck?
(upbeat music)
(laughing)
Bro. Hold on. I finally found proof
that birds are battery powered drones.
No that seagull is dead ass riding the other seagull though.
This is good. This is good.
Oh! My man had the distance though.
(screaming)
Bro why is there a black bear in the house?
You come in from the hot tub,
you fixing yourself a ham sandwich, a little bit of mustard,
shredded lettuce, like a couple of pickles on there
and just a black bear comes fucking strutting
down from the second floor.
It's time to abort. You take the sandwich.
You get the fuck out of there.
I guess at that point, the black bear owns the house.
There's nothing you can do. You've lost your house.
It might be time to find a new one on Zillow.
- Dom, you got a big (beep) spider on your back, dude.
- Whatever dude, shut the (beep) up.
- Um, no for real.
- Dom. You got a big (beep) spider on your back.
(horror music)
- I just get the chills, dude.
You know what?
I don't get skeeved out by much.
Centipedes,
- No God!
- can burn in hell and spiders close second place.
I understand,
but Leon spiders are good for the ecosystem
and they make silk and they,
and they capture other bugs and catch all the...
I don't give a shit.
They're disgusting and they're gross
and I want them all to die.
Heal yoself.
Here we go. Satisfying.
It's gonna be a chiropractor one.
A big toe adjustment?
When's the last time someone was like,
man, I've been struggling these past couple of weeks with
a tight big toe.
Got to go to the chiropractor,
got to get the old big toe adjusted.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, you're getting married?
Better get that big toe adjusted.
Don't want to fucking trip over your big toe
when you're walking down the aisle.
Shut the fuck up.
Why Lana Rhoades is number one.
Who's Lana Rhoades?
How she got this bump will blow your mind.
I doubt it. But yo, this kid.
This kid rips dude.
I've definitely seen this.
There's nothing funnier than him selling out
off the top rope to Kendrick Lamar in the background.
Yeet!
I could watch that 1,000 times.
- Welcome to body shop.
You think I'm crazy, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- Okay.
Impressed.
Dude, fuck that.
No. No, no.
Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second.
Fuck that.
I need to see that again.
That car was flying dude.
That car was going like 50 miles an hour, bro.
He would've got fucking wrecked if he fucked that up.
What?
- You learned a new jitsu?
Okay show me.
- But I don't wanna hurt you.
- What? No, just show me, just show me.
- Okay.
- How was that...
(laughing)
- This one's good.
We found a diamond in the rough baby.
Boys and girls we found an absolute diamond in the rough.
These are fucking good.
Bro, what is going on with that? No.
(screaming)
Please be fake? Thank you God.
- What's a really weird thing that your body does
that you're not sure anybody else's body..
- I'm gonna find a joint in my neck.
- Surprise mother (beep).
(laughing)
(exploding)
- Oh my God. No dude. The magic show.
I think I made a Snapchat video like a year ago and this was
one of the main features of it.
And it was painful back then.
I imagine not much has changed, but this show
gets so many views.
She has no idea what's about to happen.
This will be a great reminder
not to hold your dog with one hand maybe.
She gonna steal the dog,
ah, replace it with the stuffed on, nice, nice.
Yeah, this is good.
I'd love to be in the writer's room for this one.
I can't wait to see her reaction.
She's going to be blown away.
Wait for it.
Her reaction is priceless.
Like and thumbs up, guys.
Follow the magic show for more great content.
Jesus Christ. Hurry up.
Hurry up. How many...
She's dead ass...
I've clicked through three times, still doesn't notice.
Still going, I've clicked through like
seven of these snaps.
Oh, there we go.
This is the worst.
This is the worst kind of tumor right here on the internet.
(Mocking)
What's this guy's name? A Rich, Rich, whatever.
He's like that. He is the head orchestrator.
He's like the Rich something Rich Lax
y'all know Rich Lax you've seen the drew good video.
He's like the Maestro of all of the micro content
that is completely aids on Facebook and Snapchat.
And he's like made millions of dollars from it,
but I want him and every one of his associates
and everyone that's worked for him to produce
this fucking malignant tumor
of a channel just to line up
and I want to go down the line one at a time, just...
There's a little something for everybody
on the Snapchat discover.
And if you ever need a lesson in how to click bait,
this is an excellent resource.
In the age where people are afraid to sit down
for a second without stimulation
and be with their own thoughts
because that's scarier than pretty much anything else,
Snapchat is the perfect alternative
'cause you can go on and just rapid fire
have all of these two to three second clips
injected into your frontal lobe
with no stopping and no slowing down.
And they'll even sneak like an advertisement in there
and you won't even notice it's happening.
And the next thing you know,
you've watched 367,000 videos and 444,000 advertisements
in the course of an hour.
And your brain slowly starts to atrophy
and the world keeps on spinning.
But there were a few gems in there though.
Thank you guys for being here with me though, as always.
If you wanna do me a favor and yourself a favor
and join an incredible movement,
you can go ahead and subscribe if you haven't yet.
It's a movement, which ironically is just me
not moving at all in this computer chair
and you know, like crying about things on the internet.
You're basically an activist.
You're an activist for change in the world by subscribing.
I love you so much. Thanks for watching.
We'll see you in the next video.
I'll also,
don't forget to do me a favor and hip thrust that
mother fucking like button before you go.
That would mean the world to me as well. We'll see you soon.
Peace.