- Sorry, I did not realize those Civil War pictures
in my guest bedroom would freak you out so much.
- Yeah.
I can't sleep with a photographic cemetery
just staring at me.
- Well, the good news is that snoring
will be kept to a minimum.
So you want big spoon or little spoon?
I think I'd prefer little spoon, but it feels like
society tells us that-- - Hey, Chris.
Don't be gross, or I'll put up a pillow wall.
(guitar music)
♫ I see your face and something starts to shine
♫ And it's all right
♫ I mean without you for ♫
(door clicks open)
- Mom.
Oh, no. It's...
(door clicks closed)
- That was weird.
She, like, think we're dating? Ugh.
- Weird.
No, she doesn't.
She probably just thinks...
I don't, I did not tell her that we weren't not.
- Did you not tell her I'm gay?
- She doesn't know what gay means.
- What?
- What are we doing?
- What are you doing?
I'm getting ready to sleep in your weird childhood bedroom.
No.
No. I know that look.
- I'm not, I'm not giving a look.
- When I told you to have casual sex, I didn't mean with me,
you dumbass.
- Come on.
Is it really that crazy of an idea?
- Yeah.
- Is it the nose strip?
I can.
Crazy of an idea?
- Oh, no.
You're serious.
Okay.
That guest bedroom of death is looking real attractive.
- Wait. No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey. Look, look, look, look.
Don't make this weird.
- I'm making this weird?
- I'm putting the nose strip back on.
- Oh, I made it weird?
(crickets chirping)
- But, like, sexual preference aside...
- Aside? Where are you putting it?
- You said you've hooked up with a guy.
- One guy in college.
I'm not gonna magically turn straight for you.
- What if you just, like, look at me as, like,
a human sex toy.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- You know, like, I mean, lesbians use--
- No, Chris.
- I dont...
You kinda say I look-- - Stop talking.
(guitar music)
Good night.
(guitar music)
And you know what?
You wouldn't wanna hook up with me anyways.
- What?
- Yeah.
'Cause you shouldn't hook up with your best friend.
It's a rule.
- Earlier today, you said you would have sex with a friend.
- The best thing about casual sex is
that you can have it with a friend.
Also, you probably have a huge.
No, I said.
An acquaintance maybe, but we'd have to be on the same page.
Do you wanna listen to the Wicked soundtrack again?
- Whatever. All right.
I guess I misinterpreted it.
- Yeah, clearly.
- It would just be so easy. - Okay.
- You know, it's like we're,
we already have so much fun together.
We could still joke around.
We could still hang out with each other and play,
but then we could also do the most fun, most relaxing thing
two adults can do together,
have orgasms.
And no one will get hurt, and no one's gonna fall in love
with anyone else.
And I'll get over my ex-girlfriend,
and everything will be perfect.
- No.
Chris, that's not how it'd go at all.
Okay. This is how it would go.
We'd both have to be incredibly drunk
'cause that's the only way this would ever come up.
And then we'd have sloppy, uncoordinated sex.
(guitar and drum music)
Leaving both of us very dissatisfied.
(guitar and drum music)
Then we'd wake up in the morning
and regret it completely.
The friendship would no longer be innocent and platonic.
It'd be ruined forever.
Is that what you want, for things to change?
- Is that a no?
- Buddy, that's a hell no.
- You're my best friend.
- Mine too.
- And if we could also have sex.
- Ugh! Chris, I'm gay!
- I know.
- Jesus Christ. - I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I had to try, you know. I had to try once.
Like, one time I gotta try,
you know. - That's fair.
- Hey, if I come up there to cuddle,
just know it has more to do with me than it does with you.
- Hey, Chris.
- Yeah?
- If your hand goes anywhere near me,
I will chop it off with your great-grandfather's
Civil War machete.
Understood?
- Got it.
- Kay. Good night.
- Is it the nose strip?
- It doesn't help.
(guitar music)