>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL.
TO OUR LIVE LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT BECAUSE IT'S THE ELECTION.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.
I DRESSED UP.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD TOO.
I'M NOT ALONE.
I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.
I'D LOVE TO LEARN THEIR NAMES SOME DAY.
MY LADY WIFE IS HERE.
SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.
BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.
SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.
AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION, IS MY UNDERSTANDING.
TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH ME.
AND TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHO TIME, JUST LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO.
AND WE KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE, BECAUSE IT'S LIVE.
THE THING IS, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT SOME OF THE INGREDIENTS OF
TONIGHT'S SHOW ARE GOING TO BE.
IT'S LIKE MAKING COOKIES.
AT THIS POINT, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH,
CHOCOLATE CHIPS, RAISINS, OR A HANDFUL OF THUMBTACKS.
AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN, PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND
YOURSELF.
HOLD ON TIGHT.
HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONES.
HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.
AND IF YOU'RE HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING ELSE TURN YOUR ZOOM
CAMERA OFF.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME WHY WE DID THIS AGAIN BECAUSE WE
DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO AND IT WAS A PAINFUL EXPERIENCE.
BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT YOU RIGHT NOW,
AND PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK
ANYMORE.
I'M GLAD TO BE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE HOLY ( BLEEP ).
THIS IS A ( BLEEP ) WEIRD ELECTION.
FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A PANDEMIC, SO BEFORE THE POLLS
OPENED THIS MORNING, 99.7% OF AMERICANS VOTED.
A LOT OF THE VOTES WERE WERE SENT BY MAIL, AND AS WE PEEK,
THE G.O.P. IS WORKING HARD TO
CONVINCE THE COURTS TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON
TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS CHARGES OF FRAUD.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM, FIND A JUDGE WHO
SAYS THAT, NO, ACTUALLY, YOU DID BEAT 'EM."
NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS
RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE STREETS.
IN FACT, ALL OVER THE COUNTRIES, RETAILERS ARE BOARDING UP THEIR
WINDOWS.
IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.
JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.
THE PLYWOOD IS JUST-- IT'S JUST ALWAYS UP THERE.
BUSINESSES EVERYWHERE ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS, INCLUDING SAKS
FIFTH AVENUE AND CVS.
INSTEAD OF PLYWOOD, CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS WITH A
RECEIPT FOR A SINGLE GATORADE.
AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN DELAWARE, THE PRESIDENT IS AT
THE WHITE HOUSE.
IF EITHER ONE OF THEM COMES OUT TO SPEAK, DURING THIS SHOW-- DO
WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO THIS?-- WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO
GO TO EITHER ONE OF THEM, BECAUSE THIS IS MY SHOW.
GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.
AND WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW-- SO FAR-- THE RESULTS
YOU'LL BE HEARING ARE REAL.
WE'RE GETTING THEM STRAIGHT FROM THE PIPE OVER AT CBS NEWS,
THE SAME PIPE THEY JACK INTO THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S
HEAD.
AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY
IS THAT STILL HAPPENING?
IT'S STILL HAPPENING.
IT IS PLANNED FOR 250 GUESTS, DOWN FROM THE ORIGINAL 400.
TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO JUST HIS NEAREST AND DEAREST
CO-DEFENDANTS.
ONCE AGAIN, THE PRESIDENT IS HOLDING A LARGE INDOOR
GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.
THIS WAY, IF HE LOSES, HE CAN JUST SEAL HIS ADMINISTRATION IN
WITH HIM, LIKE A PHAROAH'S TOMB.
HE'S ALREADY GOT GOLD WALLS, HIEROGLYPHICS, AND HIS DEMONIC
ESCORT INTO THE UNDERWORLD.
AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S
COUNTING ON, THE GOVERNMENT ERECTED A NON-SCALABLE FENCE
AROUND THE WHITE HOUSE.
SO, IN THE END, THEY BUILT. THE.
WALL. AND LOCKED. HIM. UP.
PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES' LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A PITCH TO
THE VOTERS.
JOE BIDEN WAS IN PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE HE BROUGHT OUT A SPECIAL
GUEST: LADY GAGA!
BECAUSE NOTHING STEAMS TRUMP'S BUNS MORE THAN A TOP CELEBRITY
SHILLING FOR THE OTHER GUY.
THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.
THOUGHT, IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE RUDY IN A COMEDY BIT WHERE HE'S
NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.
SO AT ONE OF HIS CLOSING RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT
BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.
>> LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.
I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.
I HAVE LOTS OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
YOU HAVE "LOTS" OF STORIES ABOUT LADY GAGA?
THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING THAT ONE ABOUT THE SUPER-STRONG
RANCHER WHO'S NEVER CRIED BEFORE?
OR YOUR MADE-UP FRIEND JIM WHO DOESN'T GO TO PARIS ANYMORE?
OR THE WIFE WHO SUDDENLY LOVES HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401K
IS DOING WELL?
STOP WASTING OUR TIME.
SPILL THE GAGA TEA!
AND I TRUST I DID THIS CORRECTLY!
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN WITH A TWEET:
"NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING
MEN AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA, LIKE CAMPAIGNING WITH
ANTI-FRACKING ACTIVIST LADY GAGA."
YES, THAT'S WHAT LADY GAGA IS FAMOUS FOR.
WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT: ♪ I'M OFF THE DEEP END
WATCH AS I DIVE IN I'LL NEVER FRAAAACK THE GROUND ♪
LAUGH.
>> Stephen: THAT SONG GETS ME.
THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> COMING UP, MORE MONOLOGUE.