MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN AND HOST OF
THE PODCAST "THE STRUGGLE."
PLEASE WELCOME, CANDICE THOMPSON, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW IS EVERYBODY?
GOOD.
THAT'S GREAT.
I AM GOING THROUGH IT A LITTLE BIT.
I RECENTLY GOT DUMPED, AND MY FRIEND SAID SOMETHING VERY SILLY
TO ME.
SHE WAS LIKE, "THAT'S SO WEIRD.
YOU DON'T LOOK SAD ON YOUR INSTAGRAM."
AND I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THAT'S NOT WHAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS FOR,
RIGHT."
NO ONE'S POSTING THEIR LOWEST MOMENTS ON THE GRAM.
NOBODY IS DOING THAT.
I'M NOT GOING TO POAVMENT ME DEEP THROATING MOZZARELLA STICKS
AT THE CAFE YESTERDAY.
THAT'S RECKLESS.
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS POST A PICTURE OF ME FROM THE CLUB
SEVEN YEARS AGO, LIVING MY TRUTH.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
ALL RIGHT.
SO I'M ON ALL THE DATING APPS NOW.
I'M NOT SURE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO.
I'M MESSAGING DUDES ON WAZE.
"YOU UP?
YOU STUCK IN TRAFFIC, BOY?
YOU NEED SOME COMPANY?
ALEXA, FIND ME A MAN!"
I AM LEARNING THE WORDS PEOPLE USE ON THESE DATING APPS HAVE
DIFFERENT MEANINGS THAN THE WAY WE USE IN DAILY LIVES.
I'VE LEARNED THAT "ENTREPRENEUR" MEANS "POOR."
( APPLAUSE )
TERRIFIED OF GETTING INTO A LONG-TERM, COMMITTED
RELATIONSHIP, AND THAT'S MAINLY BECAUSE I WATCHED "FORENSIC
FILES."
AND IF YOU ALSO WATCH "FORENSIC FILES" THEN YOU ALSO KNOW THAT
90% OF MARRIAGESSEN IN MURDER.
AND SO I'M NOT TRYING TO GET STABBED FOR LOVE, ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS KNOW THIS, BUT CRIMES OF PASSION
HAPPEN VERY FREQUENTLY, SO FREQUENTLY, THAT IF YOU KILL
YOUR SPOUSE, YOU CAN GO TO COURT AND THE COURT WILL LEAD YOU
PLEAD INSANITY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IF YOU KILL YOUR SPOUSE, THE COURT WILL LET YOU PLEAD
INSANITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT'S THE COURT SAYING, "I GET IT."
RIGHT?
THAT'S THE COURT SAYING, "WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE.
WE'VE ALL BEEN IN LOVE.
WE'VE ALL BEEN HURT, AND WE ALL WANTED TO HURT SOMEBODY," RIGHT?
THAT'S ALL THAT IS.
I WAS WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY NOT THAT LONG AGO AND IN THIS
DOCUMENTARY THEY WERE INTERVIEWING MEN WHO WERE ALL IN
PRISON FOR MURDERING THEIR WIVES.
AND WHEN THEY ASKED THEM WHY THEY DID IT, THEY ALL HAD THE
SAME RESPONSE, AND THAT SMNS WAS, "I WANTED TO BE WITH MY
MISTRESS, BUT I DIDN'T THINK MY WIFE WOULD LEAVE ME SO I COULD
LEAVE HER."
AND I'M LOOKING AT THIS THINKING, YOU DIDN'T THINK YOUR
WIFE WOULD LEAVE YOU?
WELL, MAYBE IF YOU HAD TOLD HER YOU WERE GOING TO KILL HER,
LIKE, DID YOU-- DID YOU PRESENT ALL THE OPTIONS?
( LAUGHTER )
YOU COULD HAVE MADE A POWERPOINT PRESENTATION.
YOU COULD HAVE MAYBE MADE A PIE CHART SHOWING HER PERCENTAGE OF
SURVIVAL IF SHE STAYED.
( LAUGHTER )
LEARNER.
I DON'T KNOW.
I FEEL LIKE YOU DIDN'T TRY.
I'M SO ANGRY AT SO MANY THINGS.
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SHAME ANYMORE.
I MISSHAME.
YOU GUYS REMEMBER SHAME, THAT FEELING YOU GET WHEN YOU MACK A
BAD DECISION, RIGHT?
THAT'S SHAME, AND WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO IT ANYMORE.
HERE'S THE THING.
YOU SHOULDN'T SHAME SOMEBODY FOR THE WAY THEY LOOK OR SOMETHING
THEY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, THAT'S NOT NICE.
BUT NOT ALL SHAME IS BAD.
IF IT LEADS TO A PRODUCTIVE END-- SHAME IS THE REASON I TOOK
A SHOWER TODAY.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
NOT ALL SHAME IS BAD.
DO YOU REMEMBER EIGHT YEARS AGO THAT YOU WOULD HAVE HAVE BEEN
ASHAMED TO TELL SOMEBODY YOU WATCHED 13 HOURS OF TELEVISION.
YOU HAVE TO THINK BACK BECAUSE THAT WAS SO LONG AGO.
NOW, NOT ONLY ARE WE NOT ASHAMED OF IT, WE'RE BRAGGING ABOUT
TBRAGGING ABOUT ALL THE TELEVISION WE'VE BEEN WATCHING,
MAKING OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BADLY IF THEY HAVEN'T WATCHED THE SAME
AMOUNT OF TELEVISION.
"WHAT YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED 'GAME OF THRONES'.
I WATCHED ALL SEASONS YESTERDAY!
YESTERDAY?
THAT'S 92 WEEKS OF PROGRAMMING.
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
THAT'S NOT MATHEMATICALLY POSSIBLE.
I DON'T KNOW, I PEED IN THE BOOK CASE YOU GAVE ME.
WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ALL THE ANTI-SHAMING IS KEY CREATED A
SOCIETY OF BLIND ACCEPTANCE.
WE'RE JUST ACCEPTING EVERYBODY'S BEHAVIOR JUST TO SPARE
SOMEBODY'S FEELINGS, AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY, EITHER.
CAN'T YOU LOVE ME WITH ALL MY FLAWS?
NO!
( LAUGHTER )
NO!
NO.
PICK UP A BOOK.
GO TO THERAPY.
FIND OUT WHY I CRY EVERY TIME YOU HEAR "I WANT IT THAT WAY"
PLAYED AT A WEDDING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HER AT THE COMEDY STORE IN LOS ANGELES
TOMORROW NIGHT.